So Far Gone

"I wanna be so far gone in you

So far nothing else will ever do

I wanna be so far gone in you

in you..." 

~ Thousand Foot Krutch

There are times when I look at my life and the situations in it and realize that I've gotten one or two degrees off course. I'm not talking about slipping into the deep end of the pool of self or backsliding, but rather simply realizing that God and my relationship with Him do not quite have the priority that they should have. It's easy to slip into the performance mentality at that point and start thinking of all the things that I should be doing. I need to pray and meditate more. I should read and study more. I need to make sure to put God first in my life, etc.

And there's nothing wrong with those things, especially the last one. The idea of putting God first in my life is a good one. It's even scriptural. "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness..." I've heard repeatedly that if I put half as much energy in pursuing God as I did in pursuing those things I'd become addicted to that I wouldn't have trouble walking with God. I agree.

I don't want religion in my life. I want relationship with Christ. I don't have to prioritize my wife. When I wake up I don't have to make a choice to put Leah before other things and try to spend time with her. I love her so much that when I have a moment of free time that is also free for her my only desire is to spend it with her. It's not a choice, because there is no choice. I want to spend my time with her, and I do that every minute that I can. I have to try to force myself to socialize some and include others in my life, because it would be very comfortable to isolate and hole up with Leah and shut out the rest of the world. But I can't be of service very well when I do that. I've found the most satisfying compromise is to make sure I do my visiting when Leah can go with me. That way I get to see family and friends more but don't lose a minute with her.

I never once woke up and said I'm going to put drinking and drugging first in my life today. I didn't have to. It already was. There were times that I isolated and sought oblivion and nothing else. There were also plenty of times that I went to work, spent time with family and friends, etc that I was not alone with my addictions. But they were always right there. I was either using during those times or trying to figure out how and when I could use again.

I could structure and organize my life and put God at the top like a chore on a to do list. But I don't want that. It makes God a burden. Spending time with God becomes something I have to do to keep from messing up my life, to earn His blessing and power in my life, and that's no way to have relationship. I don't want Leah to feel like she has to spend time with me to keep from losing me. I want her to want to spend time with me the way I want to spend time with her. I'm sure God feels the same way about me. 

I want to be so in love with God that my love affair with my wife pales by comparison. I want to be so consumed with relationship with Him that I don't try to put Him first it just happens. I want to be unable to go anywhere or do anything without my conscious contact and awareness of God being a part of that time. I want to be so far gone in my relationship with Jesus that there's no area in my life where I can say here I am spending time with Him and here I am not. 

For years the first thing I did upon waking was reach for something to chemically alter my body and mind. I didn't think about it. It never got written down on a to do list. It was as natural a part of my day as breathing. The last thing I did each day was ingest something to change the way I felt. And all through the day my life was chemically altered. My desire today is not to feel the need to put God first. Instead I want to be so in love and consumed with that relationship that the presence of God becomes as much a part of each moment of my life that it is as much a part of who I am today as the drink and drugs were in the past.