Unshackled Moments ! January 23 ~ Breaking The Corrosive Thread

It took longer than usual, so I had just begun to think I might escape the horror show sequel that usually comes to the carnival that is my brain when I spend too much time in pain. A little chronic pain has become a part of life for me, but when the volume gets turned up to a six or seven or higher and stays a while, bugs start crawling in my head.

My dreams turn into nightmares and my mental time machine takes me back to the era of steel and razor wire. I don't know if this happens because my subconscious mind associates severe and long lasting pain with prison, or because it's sadistic and hates me. Maybe it's as simple as the devil likes to kick us when we're already crippled and down. Canwe go for the combo platter?

Last night the cycle continued and got ugly quickly. After finally getting comfortable enough to bear the pain in my back, I would drift off and float down and down and down to REMland and Dream River. Dream River bent and twisted its way to Nightmare Rapids and PTSD Falls, which would result in my waking in a panic, heart racing, body clenching and jerking. That last part would send waves of pain washing through me. I managed not to scream. I lay there until the pain subsided enough to ride the ride again. And again. And again.

I hate nights like this. I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up swinging and hit my wife. I'm  afraid I'm going to wake up screaming and frighten and disturb my wife. I'm afraid that I'm going to go back to sleep. I'm afraid I won't be able to function if I don't get some rest. I guess the common thread here is obvious. I am afraid.

Fear is an evil, corroding thread; the fabric of our lives is shot through with it.

- Bill W

Bill is right. But the answer to fear is the peace that passes understanding and the perfect love that God gives. Like so many other things, I am powerless over fear, flashbacks and my subconscious torments. But there is One who is higher than I whose sandals....you get the idea.

But some things really do take more than spouting one liners, platitudes and scripture to handle and manage. There is power in the Word, but it's not a magic spell or a talisman that wards off evil. It's our faith in God that brings peace, not repeating scriptures like mantras.

I got up and prayed, because going back to sleep wasn't an option. The sound of the falls slowly faded and the fog from the dreams began to lift. Now, I don't want to give the impression that I whispered a prayer and rainbows lit up the morning sky and birds whistled and sang as the flitted about and I felt like skipping to Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah What A Wonderful Day. I hurt. My brain still feels the effects of nightmare hangover. I am exhausted but in no way eager to sleep. A dose of peace has quieted the waters, but the lake is still full of fear. Yet,I remember that I don't have to beat this foe. I can run to Him who is able.

It occurred to me as I began to write that this is the best the enemy has. I'm not saying fear isn't dangerous or rough. It is. But fears of the past haunting us and dreading the future are the devil's two best weapons. Even his attacks on the present are just disguised war heads loaded with what was and what might be. In other words, fantasy and illusion. The past is gone, and the future doesn't exist. All that ever enters reality is the now, and today is the day of deliverance. No matter what they do to me mentally, PTSD dreams can't physically take me back in time or leave me there. No matter what my dreams dread about tomorrow, today I am under the shadow of the wings of God.

How many of our fears are just the past or predictions, neither of which exist in reality, being used against us? When we begin to drown in fear, let us remember the Rock on which we can stand as the waters swirl around us is in today, in the now, in this moment. There is no peace in yesterday, and who knows what tomorrow may bring? But peace flows from God to where we are at this moment.

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