Unshackled Moments ~ January 7 ~ More Than I'm Sorry

In my experience, reaching step nine comes with either a hesitation that can bring things to a standstill if allowed or a rip-the-Band-Aide-off rush. Both can get us in trouble. We have our list of people we've hurt. The next logical progression is to make the amends that we became willing to make in step eight. Scary? Yes, it can be. Which is the reason it is so common to hesitate or rush to get it done and over with. It can be quite frightening to face people we've avoided, to swallow our pride and admit our wrong, to ask what we can do, if anything, to make it right. There are so many what ifs involved that sometimes it feels like we could do anything else to gain our freedom, anything but this.

There are a few things that help when it comes time to clean up our part of the wreckage of the past. The first is found in the wording of the ninth step itself, regardless of what 12-Step program is involved. All who use the steps add to this one that we make our amends except when to do so will hurt the people we are making amends to or others. Others is not us. It's not about avoiding our pain or discomfort. The point is that we are trying to make right the damage we've done in the past, and you can't do that by doing more damage. We do not ever have the right to lighten our load at the expense of another.

Most of the fear comes from the idea that we may look bad, or that we may be rejected or attacked. Well, it's possible we might look bad, after all we are there to admit that we did something that caused someone harm in some way. That looks bad. Don't make excuses. Don't explain it away, justify what was done or try to spin it were it looks like it's not that bad or not really your fault. The more we talk, the more likely we are to try to squirm out of the blame. I can't help but think of an NFL team  general manager who was fired this week. He held a press conference and accepted full responsibility for every player hired, traded for, drafted, etc. under his tenure, even though he didn't make the decisions alone and other staff were involved and...It was like he said to the press I accept full responsibility for all this stuff that wasn't my fault. That's not accepting responsibility.

And it's not just trying to justify or shift blame that we are to avoid. We don't attack. Often people we've hurt have also hurt us. Sometimes they hurt us first. We don't go to them and say anything like after you did such and such to me I retaliated by hurting you. No. Leave their part out of it. We might look all the worse, but we are clean before our Lord and forgiven. Don't hide in shame and don't try to make the past look better.

But what if they are mean to us or reject us? It could happen. Remember that we are not there to be accepted. We are not there to be forgiven. We are not there to look good. We are simply trying to clean up our mess. How they respond is on them and between them and God. If they tell us to get lost and never contact them again, have we really lost? We've probably been avoiding the confrontation for a while anyway. If there is reason to fear a physical attack, meet in public and take someone with you. But don't let how someone else may react keep you from doing what's right and what will set you free of fear and shame you might not have even realized was holding you down.

Ask God to guide you through this process so that we don't draw it out longer than it should take or rush into a situation before we're ready. Forgive their part, if they have any, before meeting them. Accept forgiveness from God for your part. But don't balk here. This is the step where the past really begins to lose its hold on us and becomes the word of our testimony that can be used to help others and give God glory. Restore what can be restored, repay what can be repaid and do more than say I'm sorry whenever possible. Humble yourself, swallow your pride, admit and take responsibility for your part without excuse, blame shifting or spin and offer to make it right, and you will be surprised how much healing can be accomplished before the job is done. It is as freeing and relieving as it can be frightening.

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