I know a woman, a good friend of mine, who recently told me that she can not forgive her mother, although she knows she should and prays for the willingness to forgive. It just hasn't happened. This lack of forgiveness is not due to how horrible her mother's offenses were, and they were serious. The world would say my friend has a right not to forgive. But what happened to my friend is not the issue as much as the fact that every time she tries to forgive and allows her mother back into her life the damaging behavior is repeated, causing my friend to be hurt all over again.
As my friend put it, if I punch her in the face and then ask her to forgive me, and she does, what happens when I immediately punch her in the face again saying I'm sorry seconds later? How long is she expected to stand there and let me punch her in the face just because I keep saying I'm sorry and asking for forgiveness? I responded that the simple definition of forgiveness is to release someone from a debt that is owed, to no longer demand payment and justice for what has been done to us. But just because we forgave the debt doesn't mean that we have to keep giving the person checks to rack up more bad debt against us.
There is truth in my response, but my friend and I suffered from the same problem. We both confused forgiveness with reconciliation. They are not the same thing. Forgiveness is something that we have to do in order to be healthy spiritually. It is commanded of us by God. We are told to forgive as we have been forgiven. I won't go into to much detail about forgiveness here though. At the end of last month I wrote about forgiveness, what it is and its importance in an entry entitled The F Word. You can give that a read if you want to see more on the subject of forgiveness itself.
Reconciliation is different than forgiveness. It's the restoration of the relationship between two people. With full reconciliation two people are restored to the same depth and quality of relationship as there was before the hurt occurred, perhaps the relationship becomes even better than before. Sometimes this is possible and a good idea. Sometimes restoring that relationship is simply asking to be punched in the face again.
Reconciliation can never happen without forgiveness, but forgiveness doesn't always bring reconciliation. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the person who did the harm and everything to do with the person giving it. We have to forgive whether the person who harmed or offended us deserves it or not, asks for it or not, changes or doesn't. Holding on to resentment and unforgiveness hurts us, not the other person. It hinders our walk with God. But while forgiveness is commanded regardless, reconciliation is dependent upon the other person.
It's important for us to understand that unlike forgiveness, reconciliation and restoration of a broken relationship is a process that is conditional. The conditions are determined by the attitude and actions of the one who has been forgiven. Those who commit serious and repeated wrongs against us must realize that their actions and responses affect the timing and the process of reconciliation, whether it happens quickly or slowly or not at all. Those who are truly sorry and repentant will accept this truth with brokenness and humility. It is only with God in control of the lives of both involved that there is grace for true reconciliation to occur when the damage is great.
When the hurt is relatively minor and not great, forgiveness and reconciliation should happen together. I Peter 4:8 reminds us that love covers a multitude of sins. When we withhold reconciliation over little things we are not walking in the love of Christ. For more on that idea, see Ephesians 4:32-5:1. Immaturity and manipulation are often the prevalent attitudes in a situation where the love spoken of in these two scriptures is absent. This lack of walking in love is something that we need to deal with in ourselves and is not contingent upon the person who needs forgiveness.
When we are deeply or repeatedly betrayed though, forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean or require that we immediately grant the same level of relationship back to the one who hurt us. Even when God forgives our sins, He doesn't promise to remove all consequences caused by our actions. Forgiveness does not negate the truth that what we sow is what we reap. Reconciliation is amazing and should be the goal, but it's important for those who hurt others to understand that their actions will affect the process of rebuilding trust and if that is even possible. Just saying I'm sorry is not enough in serious cases and without a change in behavior and attitude, reconciliation can cause more harm to both parties.
A victim of domestic abuse is a good example of this idea. Let's say that a husband or boyfriend hits his partner. Regret sets in and an apology is made along with a request for forgiveness. Forgiveness needs to be given. But while forgiveness should be given, he should be made to understand that this kind of hurt destroys trust and will not be tolerated. If he continues in the behavior there will be consequences that could include jail time and loss of relationship.
When we have been significantly hurt and feel hesitant about reconciliation and restoration of the relationship, it's both right and wise to look for and require changes in the person who did the damage before allowing reconciliation. This is especially true when the offense has been repeated.
The act of forgiveness releases the desire for revenge and repayment. Romans 12:9 tells us that it's God's place to avenge and repay, not ours. Forgiveness is first and foremost about our relationship with God. When we truly forgive we should be open to the possibility of reconciliation. Forgiveness requires us to offer a repentant person an opportunity to demonstrate that repentance and rebuild trust, unless personal or family safety are clearly at risk. But when a person has repeatedly behaved in a harmful and irresponsible manner, they must accept the fact that reconciliation may not be possible, and it it is possible, that it will be a slow and sometimes difficult process.
When we're the ones who have done the wrong and desire restoration of relationship, we must guard our hearts against frustration and anger when it doesn't happen as quickly as we would hope. We need to continue to surrender to God and allow Him to do the needed healing in His own time rather than attempt to force a quick fix. Refusal to do this can show that we are not truly humbled over and repentant about what we did, that we fail to see the significance of the damage we caused.
If their relationship is not right with God, the person who did the harm, and this may be us, might begin to demand to be restored to the same level of relationship as before. They allow hurt and anger over the lack of relationship to dictate the process rather than God and love. They put the blame on the one who forgave, forcing the issue and implying that they should be restored by virtue of spoken apology and request for forgiveness. Anger burns within them over the very idea that the other person has shut them out of relationship. There may come a time when they remind the forgiver that they have asked for forgiveness and demand to know what more is wanted from them.
It's a very good question, and the forgiver has every right to say I need to be able to trust you again before I allow you into my life. Forgiveness is commanded by Jesus, Restoration must be earned. That takes time and effort from the one who did the damage, not just words.
There are a few main considerations in the timing and possibility of the process of reconciliation. They are the attitude of the person who harmed us, the depth of the betrayal, and the way we were hurt (the type of damage and if it was repeated).
When we work towards reconciliation the first and most important step is to confirm whether or not the person who hurt us is truly repentant. (Luke 17:3) An unrepentant person will resent having to jump through hoops. They will be angry over our desire to confirm the genuineness of their confession and repentance. They may even resort to manipulation by accusing us of refusing to forgive if we don't also restore, by saying that we want to get back at them for what happened, by reminding us that we have made mistakes as well (and maybe that they have forgiven us). They may even say that if we don't restore the relationship we can't have forgiven and therefore are not truly Christians.
These types of manipulation reveal either a misunderstanding of the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation or an unrepentant attitude. Don't be manipulated into releasing them from accountability because of attitudes that cause statements like the ones above. We should carefully and prayerfully wait to see signs of true repentance before restoring relationships that have been extremely damaging to us. We may even need to seek guidance from a counselor or spiritual adviser who understands the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation and can help establish boundaries and levels of accountability that govern steps toward reconciliation that are restorative rather than damaging.
It's hard to truly restore a broken relationship when we're unsure about the sincerity of sorrow in the person who hurt us. We need to be certain as possible that they are repentant, especially in cases of deep betrayal and repeated offenses. Even with God, if we will not forsake our own selfish betrayals towards Him there will be areas of distance in our spiritual relationship.
Only God truly knows the heart and mind of anyone, so we have to evaluate actions. Jesus said in Matthew 7:16 that by their fruit you will recognize them. We can't allow surface appearance of repentance to control our responses. Tears and repeated words of sorrow must not be allowed to substitute true changes in attitude and behavior.
So what do we look for in the process of reconciliation? The person who hurt us needs to accept full responsibility for their actions and agree to accountability from others. They can not continue in the same behavior or anything like it. They shouldn't be defensive about being in the wrong or have a light or dismissive attitude regarding the hurtful behavior. They shouldn't be resentful over doubts about their sincerity or the need to demonstrate that sincerity, especially in cases involving repeated hurt. And they must make restitution when necessary. If they are not willing to make right what they can about what they did, then they are not truly repentant.
Remember, "If we can restore to full and intimate fellowship with ourselves a sinning and unrepentant brother, we reveal not the depth of our love, but its shallowness, for we are doing what is not for his highest good. Forgiveness which by-passes the need for repentance issues not from love but from sentimentality." - John R. Stott, Confess Your Sins, p.35.
When we've been seriously and or repeatedly wounded, we are not wrong to feel hesitant about reconciliation. When there is true repentance on the part of the one who hurt us though, we do need to remain open to the possibility of restoration. God loves restoration, and we shouldn't close that door without clear guidance from Him to do so and without just cause. We need to be honest about out motives, making sure our desire is to do what pleases God and isn't about demanding justice, which shows unforgiveness in us. Settle the question of forgiveness through your relationship with God. Requirements for reconciliation shouldn't be retaliatory.
Be humble. Don't let pride get in the way of God's restorative work. We can't demand anyone earn our forgiveness, just as we have not earned our own forgiveness from God. To require change and that things be made right in order to restore the relationship is one thing, but to demand that things are made right before we forgive is not forgiveness at all. We can not claim to release someone from a debt that is owed and require payment at the same time. Boundaries for reconciliation are not about retaliation or revenge but rather bringing healing into the lives of everyone involved.
We need to pray for those who have hurt us. Luke 6:28 makes this clear. It's amazing how our attitude towards the other person can change and how we can be freed from the poison of resentment when we pray for them. Also pray for the strength and grace to follow through with reconciliation if that is God's will for us (Hebrews 4:16).
We need to be willing to acknowledge our part in the problem and correct that. Even if we didn't start or cause the dispute or hurt, our lack of understanding, careless words, or unloving reactions may have made things worse. We can't act as though their greater wrong negates our own. If we do, we can become self-righteous and lose sight of how our lives have been bettered by forgiving and by receiving forgiveness. We need to pray about and examine closely our role in the situation and ask forgiveness of God and the other person for our wrongs, regardless of the other person's attitude or repentance.
Don't be afraid to be honest about the process. If we need time to come to grips with the reality of what happened and their repentance, we need to be honest about that without using time as a way to manipulate or punish them. If we have good reason to be hesitant about restoring the relationship they need to be told that. Past apologies that proved to be insincere, for example, may hinder us from trusting their repentance. This is a legitimate concern, but they need to know so that we don't cause them added confusion over what is needed in order for reconciliation to take place.
It is not right to place conditions on reconciliation without letting the person know what is expected of them. What these guidelines are will depend on the nature of what happened, but restitution may be necessary, or counseling, or a period of time without the behavior being repeated, etc. These are possible boundaries that can be clearly understood, while they also leave it up to the other person to do them or not.
Change sometimes requires time and work ~ see Philippians 3:12-14. Occasional failure to meet the requirements doesn't always mean they are unrepentant or not trying. Some offenses such as violence and unfaithfulness can allow for no slipping into old behavior. But behavior patterns are deeply rooted within us and can hold a powerful place in our lives. When it is not dangerous to do so, we should demand progress rather than perfection. God is still working on areas in our own lives that are not yet right, and we should also allow time for Him to work in the lives of those who have hurt us, But this time can also be a factor in how much the relationship is restored. If they stumble, we may need to repeat the process of confrontation, confession and repentance. Setbacks are often a part of growth and change. We can't be too hasty to permanently close the door on reconciliation.
We need to remain surrendered to the will of God and remember that He is in control and that things happen or don't in His perfect timing. All things work together for good for those who love God... When we're having a difficult time forgiving someone and with reconciliation, we can look for ways that God is using the situation for good. Does it provide an opportunity to bring Him glory? Does this experience make us better able to serve others and help them grow spiritually? Is it exposing sin and weakness in our own lives that we need to have healed and removed? Are we being challenged to grow in our relationship with God? Seeing that God can use the wrong done to us as an instrument to help us grow and mature, to help others and to glorify Him can make it easier to forgive and move forward with the process of reconciliation.
Once again we need to remain willing to restore others, as God leads us to. We must not seek to punish or retaliate or prolong the separation longer than needed or directed by God. But for reconciliation to take place the person who did the damage must also seek restoration and realize the harm they caused and have the willingness to stop the behavior and do everything God would have them do to restore the relationship. If they do not understand what they did is unacceptable and are unwilling to change, restoration can not and should not occur. But while we need to be open to the possibility, we need to be careful not to allow restoration sooner than God directs us to. If we do, the cycle will only be repeated.
We must beware resentment and anger. In Ephesians 4:27 we are warned that unchecked anger leaves us spiritually vulnerable. A few verses later we are instructed to Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children, and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God: - (Ephesians 4:29-5:2).
It is important that we forgive. But let us not be manipulated by the enemy or others into equating forgiveness with reconciliation. I am grateful for better understanding in the distinction between the two, because it helps me see how God can protect me from further damage in some areas and also where I have felt the burden of rejection and unforgiveness over lack of restoration in my own life due to the wreckage of my past. We can be healed and restoration can and will occur if everyone involved is willing to surrender to God. But it may take time and require proof that God has changed what needs to be changed. How freeing it is to know that the lack of relationship does not have to mean that we have not forgiven or been forgiven.
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