Today, in the final
Moment on the subject of the trouble we in recovery have with looking to God for freedom, I will be addressing the issue that I still struggle with the most. The first of the
Moments on
The God Problem, from Monday, dealt anger towards God getting in the way of relationship and surrender. This once was my biggest issue, but it's one that rarely is a blip on the radar for me any more.
The God Problem, Part 2, from yesterday, looked at religion and the failings of the church as hindrances to relationship and surrender that lead to freedom, and it is something I see a whole lot of people struggle with, both those in recovery and the non-addicts. But the area I still get hit with the most, even though I know better, is the idea that God doesn't want the best for me.
I don't know if that's how I would really say it, and maybe you wouldn't say it that way either, but can you relate to this fear and struggle, the fear that if we completely and totally surrender our will and lives over to God and say honestly
not my will but Yours be done that He will then have us do something that we really don't want to do and life will be miserable servitude? Sometimes when we have dreams and desires, we can't imagine that giving them up to serve God will make us happier and be more fulfilling. Other times we struggle with giving God control because we really don't trust Him. What if what He wants isn't what we want? What if it hurts? What if it means we don't get to do or have or be what we want? Is what He has for us really better?
I remember when, as a teen, a minister's wife prayed for me and said during the prayer that I was called, ordained was the word she used, to be a minister for the Lord. At the time I don't think there was anything that I wanted less. If someone had asked me if I had to choose working in a sewer until I died or being a preacher, I'd have chosen the sewer. And in a way I did. I looked her in the eyes, said
no, and walked out of the church service. I ran from God and the call on my life, and although I didn't end up in a whale like Jonah, I dug a grave for myself and climbed in, waiting to die. The chains of addiction became tighter and heavier as I looked for things to change the way I felt, tried to fill the God-shaped hole in my soul and looked for an escape from the misery of life.
What's ironic about this is that when I came to the place of surrender and finally found freedom from the drink and drugs, I had forgotten all about that evening where I said
no to ministry. I didn't wake up one day and say
yes to the call or try to repent of running. I simply began trying to give away what I had been given. I felt more and more like ministry is where I needed to be and service in that area gave me more satisfaction and contentment and purpose than I expected. I became a full-time minister, and one night after preaching I thought,
who would have ever believed that I would become a preacher and enjoy it? The Holy Spirit said,
I did, and I remembered the prayer I'd said
no to. I spent years running from God, so long that I forgot what I was running from. And it turned out that what I thought would be the worst thing for me, what I would hate most to do, is indeed what I enjoy most, even more than the photography I loved and made my career before.
What God calls us to do may, usually will, take us out of our comfort zone. It might seem scary and overwhelming. but it will actually turn out to be so suited to us and satisfying we will be surprised that we ever drug our heels against His leading. If that is true, and I believe it is, then why would I still struggle with it? I don't struggle with the ministry aspect. But there are still times when I wonder,
God, why did you take this away or
deny me that? Despite the historical proof that living for myself and pursuing pleasure and comfort and security through living according to my will, through looking out for myself, through selfishly approaching life and relationships with a
what's in it for me? attitude always led to emptiness, misery, hopelessness and despair, I still sometimes fear that giving up what I will and want for His will and desires for me will somehow shortchange me. I still at times hurt over things and wonder if my life would be better if some things I wanted hadn't been denied me, like fatherhood.
But what I have found is that where I can compare and contrast, I have not ever had a time where I chose His will over mine that there wasn't more joy, peace, love, satisfaction and contentment for me in His will than in mine. I never lost or gave up anything that He didn't give me something better in its place. There are other areas that I can't be objective about or compare. I can't check what God has given me against the joy of being able to walk a daughter down the aisle or teach a son how to drive. I never got to do those things, so I don't know. But one day, I believe, I will see and understand and see that God's will, even in that area, was actually better for me.
There is something within us that wants to be our own god. We want to make our own way, have our own will in everything. We want what we want, and we want it now. When it comes time to surrender our will and life over to the care of God, we balk or we do it half way, or we struggle to do it at the very least. It goes against our nature to trust God's plan to be more satisfying and enjoyable for us than our own. No matter how often our will leads to misery and destruction. It can and does get easier, but I won't say that I know this struggle is ever done. Maybe it is for some. But until I experience total freedom from that fight I won't say it happens. I suspect it may not, since we are called to die to ourselves daily and follow Jesus. Dying is hard. It can be painful. I suspect that we can expect at least some discomfort with the idea of total surrender and submission from time to time, if not every day that we do it.
But I can and will say this. I have seen in the lives of others and experienced in my own life the truth that Daddy loves us truly and greatly. He loves us as we are, not as we should be, and He loves us enough not to leave us as we are. Sometimes the last thing I want to do is get out of bed in the morning, but my day is better when I go on and get up than when I stay in bed too long. And sometimes the last thing I want to do is say no to me and yes to Him. But when I do, my day is better. My life is worth living. Even when it is hard or hurts, there is a peace I still don't quite understand, a joy that doesn't die in the midst of suffering and a love that gives me a reason to go on. I never had those in the hard times of my own will. I didn't have them in the best times of my own will. What I have found is that when I and others have continued to say
Your will be done, not mine and surrendered lives over to His care, life has been better. This God problem, the idea that our way may be or feel better, can be overcome through honest experimentation. I didn't say done away with. I said overcome. If you honestly give God control and walk by His power in His way, you will discover that it is the easier, softer way to joy and satisfaction. There will be days when it's still hard to get out of bed and say yes, but when we deny ourselves at that moment, go on and get up and give Him us, there is strength, freedom, joy, peace, love and a live worth living full of contentment in surrender to and relationship with the Daddy in Heaven who loves you.
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