I sometimes still battle with the concept of rigorous honesty. I wonder if it is something that all ministers have problems with? It's foolishness, but I also think that it is natural to hesitate to admit times of struggle in the midst of times of ministry. How can one declare in a way that can be believed the freedom and victory that comes with walking with God when victory isn't what is being felt? But that fear is in and of itself a form of self-centeredness and pride.
I can't show any problems doing or walking in what I preach or I'll look foolish, or
I'll make the answer seem suspect or, even worse,
I'll look like a hypocrite. Right? Wrong. It is the one who refuses to show and admit that no matter how well or long or faithful he has served God and others, he is still weak, still totally, desperately in need of help and grace that is the hypocrite. God helps us by giving us the power to do what we can not do on our own, and no amount of spiritual growth or consistency ever makes us able to do those things without His help.
This morning has been so difficult for me. I didn't rest last night. The foolishness of my old nature rises up within me and says that I jinxed myself last night by telling my father that I was doing better and resting more, sleeping without having the night terrors. It's not true, the idea that I jinxed myself. I know better. But it is how I feel. To make life less fun, I woke with a horrible headache. This is epic hangover magnitude. In fact, it feels much like a really bad hangover, which doesn't seem fair, since I haven't had anything to drink in almost seven years. I'm pretty sure my last drunk was not bad enough to cause these symptoms years later, but that is exactly what it feels like.
Being tired and hurting has made it difficult for me to get to the place I need to be in order to enter into prayer and mediation, to minister and to write, and to even feel motivated to do anything much beside whine and pray my head stops hurting soon. Self pity really isn't my best look. I took some Ibuprofen and now, about an hour of bouncing back and forth between distraction and prayer and three cups of coffee later, I am starting to feel almost human. My head still hurts, but not nearly as much. And the weird thing is that I am beginning to feel grateful for the horrible start to the day.
Yeah, grateful for the horrible start to the day, that's what I wrote, and I meant it. It helped me to remember a very important truth. You see, it is so easy for us to get caught up in this natural inclination to divide our lives. We have our normal, physical and earthly life and responsibilities, and we have our spiritual life and, yes, spiritual responsibilities. We understand that the health of the spiritual life impacts our other life, but then still somehow separate them. I need to do my spiritual stuff, and then I need to do this other stuff, like wash dishes, fold clothes and take out the trash. But we are so wrong in this approach to our existence.
We have multiple natures. We have a spirit, which is why we are spiritual beings, with or without relationship with God. We have a mind, even if we don't always use it. We have emotions that help and hinder us. And we have a body. We tend to separate all of these. Emotional issues are approached one way while the body, mind and spirit are often ignored. If we are hurting or sick physically, we go to a doctor that looks at the physical symptom(s) and treats those, and we often ignore the impact of the physical on the mental, emotional and spiritual. You get the idea.
The Spiritual life we live is contained, on this side of eternity, within a physical body that is tied to and run by the chemicals and electric impulses produced by the same brain that forms our thoughts, and they all are effected by and effect our emotions, which can be quite helpful and pleasurable at times, but also can't be trusted. Not everything I feel is trustworthy. Actually, it's often the opposite.
They are all interconnected and our lives, the goods and the bads, are all whole life matters. But there is a hierarchy, both of needs and aspects of life. The spiritual life is the life that lasts. It is the part of us that is eternal. Maslow had the right idea, when he listed our needs as being physiological, safety, belonging and love, esteem, and self-actualization. But he was describing our lives without God, just as we can describe all people as being selfish sinners. Selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of all our problems, so there is an issue with anything that puts self-actualization as the pinnacle of having needs met. It also has the body at the foundation. It makes sense. I'm not totally concerned with finding love and friendship if I'm starving to death. People who are dying can be brutally honest because they don't care if they hurt someone's feelings. They're dying here.
But I believe the truth is that the spiritual needs are even more critical than the physical as a foundation and that the pinnacle is God-centered understanding of life centered around and in relationship with Him. That's why there are people starving to death and dying of cancer who are full of joy and love for others rather than bitter and wrapped up totally in their circumstance. The start and end and in between of our entire lives worth living is healthy only when everything is focused through the lens of relationship with Daddy, when we do what we do and endure what happens in life structured by the truth of God being more true to us than what our bodies tell us, what our emotions tell us, and what our minds tell us. When we cooperatively interact with God, feeding our spirit and finding our life in Him, we receive in return a quality of life that effects all aspects, physical, mental and emotional, while not relying on any.
So if I'm starving, I can praise Him and have a life worth living until I die. If I am hurting, then I can do more than endure the pain and make it through the day. I can still have joy, still serve and love others, and I can still have fellowship with Jesus, even if I can't do anything else or function physically. If my thoughts aren't cooperating, I can still rely on His truth and access the grace to love and receive love. And when my emotions are out of whack, I don't have to be tossed about life because of it. I can hold to the anchor of faith in God's love for me that keeps me stable. But getting to that place is not natural, nor is it always an instant thing. Why? Because when I'm angry and don't really know why, the instinct is to figure it out, examine it, look for the cause in order to find a cure. But that places my emotional state as most important. Contrary to instinct, the cause and cure of the emotional issue is less important than addressing the spiritual, running to Daddy, ignoring how I feel and loving Him before valuing even breath. When my head hurts so much I can't think straight, I still need to turn my thoughts from my pain to my Daddy or the whole system breaks down as the physical becomes the most important.
I'm not talking about positive thinking. I'm not even saying seeking God and taking care of the spiritual first and foremost will always change the circumstances. What I am saying is that we are spiritual beings, made for relationship with God, who happen to have bodies, minds and emotions. If we place any of the last three above the spirit we break down and can't function as we were created to. But if we keep our spirits healthy, then life is worth living and we can love God and others, which is the most important thing, even if our body betrays us, our emotions are hurricanes, and our minds are messed up. But, God is our refuge and strength, our healer, and the one who gives us peace, love, joy and a sound mind. So our best hopes for health or smooth operation of our mind, emotions and even bodies comes from healthy focus on Him and relationship with Him.
So when the body is breaking you, turn to Him. When the mind is a minefield, seek His direction. When the emotions overwhelm, cling to Him. It's not always the first reaction or response, but it is the one that will keep us where we need to be, able to love God and love others, able to trust Him, able to find purpose and value in life, even if the other doesn't change or improve. That's what I remembered this morning as I struggled to get out of my funk. The answer wasn't in the Ibuprofen or controlling or curing my anger or even in coffee. The answer came in relationship and running to Him. It works for me, even if slowly because I don't do it first sometimes, and it will work for you. God can and will if He is sought. Thank you for your time, Dear Reader. I will close because this is already long and staring at the computer screen is only making my head hurt worse. God bless you.
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