Unshackle Moments ~ May 4 ~ Fighting The Fleeting Thought

I can't believe that it's May already. In less than two weeks now I will hit my "birthday" marking the six year anniversary of my getting clean and sober. I have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body, and that means that I now have some hope. It doesn't mean I never ever think about a drink or that I don't sometimes have the idea that getting high would feel good. I do. Those moments are few and far between, but they happen occasionally. The main thing is they have no power over me today. I am still powerless, but there is One greater than I whose sandals I'm not worthy to,,,,,you get the idea. God has all the power I need, and I have learned that I don't have to listen to that voice. I have learned from experience that God's grace is sufficient. I do not fear the fleeting thought.

But that wasn't always the case of course. The fleeting thought terrified me more than just about anything and always led to failure. When you add that phrase sooner or later, then always becomes accurate. Even now after the time that has passed there is a part of me that acknowledges that all I can really say is that the last always hasn't happened yet. If I start trying to do this on my own, sooner or later a fleeting thought will get me high or drunk again. Thank God I don't have to do this on my own, since I've never been able to and have no reason to believe that has changed. Keep in mind, in order to recover from a hopeless state of mind and body there has to be enough failure and misery to produce true hopelessness.

The fleeting thought is a terrible beast, the undefeatable dragon. And I can vividly remember those days of hopelessness. I was not the Dragon Slayer, and I knew it. I never had been and never would be, so when I heard and felt the great dragon approach I knew all was lost. I couldn't stand against it, and the most messed up thing is that part of me didn't want to. That's the hardest, most frustrating aspect of the wickedness that is the fleeting thought. It is me. It is my thought. It is my own mind defeating me, hurting me, setting me up to fail or even die. It's not the devil whispering in my ear. It's my very self saying let's do it again. I know I will sooner or later so might as well do it now. Or go ahead, if it makes you feel less guilty, pretend to fight for a while or promise once more to quit tomorrow or the next day while I'm over here in the other corner getting the fixings ready.

I can remember that feeling  of wanting to do better, of needing to do better, that fear that if I didn't get clean I would lose everything, again, and die a miserable death. I wanted to keep my promise to myself, my vows I had made to God and others. Or at least I felt I should want to keep them and that I should keep them regardless of how I felt about them or what I wanted. But I knew it was only a matter of time till the failure came. And I knew that if, when, I gave in I would feel good for the briefest of moments and then I would find myself drowning in guilt, shame, self loathing and even more hopelessness....oh and oddly enough, the desire to do it all over again. But I also knew that this was a fight I couldn't win.

I hesitated to pray for help, because it felt like failure was what I wanted. I wanted to slip back into the chains and feel the dragon's fire. How could I ask God to help me fight something I didn't want to fight? I had prayed before and failed anyway, and something inside said it was because I didn't mean it enough, that I prayed so that I could say I drew my sword, but deep down we all knew I had no intention of seriously fighting the dragon. This idea of fighting the desire, resisting the temptation only prolonged the agony. Only made me feel more like a failure. God knew I was going to fail, because He knew that I wanted to fail, at least in part, and I knew I was going to fail, so why not just quit fighting, give in and get it over with?

And I did just that. Repeatedly. I would walk free for a day or two, maybe even a couple of weeks, occasionally a month, and then the dragon would whip my butt and eat me for breakfast. I simply couldn't do it, and it always, always started with the fleeting thought that stuck around and became the great obsession. Distract yourself. Think about something else, anything else. Whatever. There's a huge dragon in the room that wants to eat you. Tell yourself all you want to that you need to think about something else, and it won't matter. You're thinking about the dragon, what color it is, what it smells like, and all the times it's eaten you before and how it will eat you again. He will win. He always wins. Your weapons can't pierce his armor. His too big. And he overrides all rational thought, all ability to resist his call to bondage and death. You can't outrun him or fight him. You're screwed, so why bother trying at all? That's the hopelessness  I felt over and over until I couldn't even ask for forgiveness, because obviously I had only done what I wanted to do and therefore didn't deserve forgiveness.

Well, I was right. I didn't deserve forgiveness and still don't. Neither do you. If we deserved it, it wouldn't be forgiveness it would be justice. And we will never be the Dragon Slayer that some tiny part of us wants to be. Because the dragon is us. He is the great beast of self, born cursed to exist outside the will of God. He will always be contrary to the new life within. He can't be tamed, only killed. And he always rises and has to be killed again and again. It never gets easier in the sense that we never grow strong enough to become efficient and mighty dragon slayers.

Overcoming the egg that is the fleeting thought that births the dragon is not a matter of becoming more determined. It's not fighting better or harder or smarter.  It's about always giving up, always surrendering. There is a Dragon Slayer, and He will fight the beast for me, wants to fight for me. He can and will win, every time, always, if I just get on my knees and get out of the way. Here comes the fleeting thought. Yes, I want to give in. I hear the call that makes the siren's song sound repulsive by comparison. I am powerless over it. I may fail. I will fail if I try to fight it. So I won't fight it. Not now, not today. I may get stupid and try to fight tomorrow or run to  the beast to embrace him even, but not today, not this moment, not this hour, or this minute. Tomorrow, tomorrow, you're always a day away. This moment I choose to surrender the fight to a Champion, the Original Undefeated Dragon Slayer, even if I don't want to, even if I want to embrace the dragon. Surrender.

I may fail tomorrow. I can fail tomorrow. I can even choose to do so if I want. But today I will surrender. Today becomes one day of victory. One day becomes one day at a time. One day at a time becomes two days, three days, 2179 days, and somewhere along the way the Dragon Slayer becomes bigger in my eyes and estimation than the dragon. At some point the fleeting thought of the dragon's cry looses it's power, no longer paralyzes me with fear, no longer lures me to the lair of death. When I hear it, I know the dragon stirs and wants to wake, and I know that I can call on my Champion. The Dragon Slayer knows what to do, how to fight. I can go on about my business. The fleeting thought has finally become just that, a fleeting thought, here then gone, toothless and powerless over me. Not because I am any better, not because I am more determined or even find him less appealing, but simply because I have surrendered.

It worked for me. It can work for you. I can't fight the beast within. Neither can you. We will never become strong enough to defeat Self. But He can, if we let Him. Those three simple steps, I can't, He can, I'll let Him, can be the start of a journey that leads to constant and lasting victory by grace and destroys the power and the the threat of the terrible fleeting thought.

God, my Lord and Savior, Great Dragon Slayer, I offer myself to you in surrender - to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will and live free of the dragon's desires. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Your Power, Your Love, and Your Way of life. Be my Champion today, in this moment, and help me to stay out of Your way as You fight for me. Lead me in Your way that I may walk free from the threat of of the dragons in the land and in my heart and mind. Amen

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