One of the ways that I knew I felt real love for Leah was that I wanted to please her rather than please myself. I received more pleasure from setting myself aside for her than I did when I ignored her pleasure for my own. After seven years of marriage that has not changed, and I am grateful for that. And one of the things that makes our relationship so wonderful is that the unselfish nature of love is not one sided. She cares for me as I care for her.
One small example of this is sports. It may seem silly, but it is far from it. I love sports. She does not. I have seen such differences produce pain in relationships as selfishness causes one or both people to feel insignificant and unappreciated. But unselfish love makes all the difference. I make sure that Leah knows she is far more important to me than a game. I set aside sports for her often, and when I do indulge, I don't force her to deal with it, to suffer through it or be ignored. Usually the way I watch sports is on the computer with the volume off so that she and I can sit together and talk, or listen to an audiobook together or watch a movie together. We get to spend time together, share something we both enjoy, like the book or the movie, and I still get to keep an eye on how Texas Tech is playing. But from time to time, when there's a big game on the line, she will set aside the book or movie and we'll put the game on the big TV with the volume on. She usually watches the Stanley Cup with me, and last Sunday, she watched the Superbowl with me. Some of her comments made me laugh and made the game more enjoyable to me. I still smile when I think back to her saying someone needs to give the guy with the ball a big hug and tell him to stay right here with me. Yep, it makes me laugh. She didn't watch the game to earn something in return, such as I watched the game with you, so now you owe me such and such. She simply did it to make me happy. The same is true of the opposite. I will not skip tonight's Texas Tech basketball game or watch it with the sound off while doing something with her, to say, see what I gave up for you, so now you need to do such and such for me. Rather it is because I would prefer to spend the time with her in a way that brings her pleasure than ignore her happiness for my own. And the truth is that I have more pleasure in the long run by setting aside self instead of indulging in self.
I think the unselfish love in a good marriage is why we see marriage used an illustration of our relationship with Jesus. As we grow closer to God, we begin to have a desire to please Him out of love instead of as a way to manipulate Him into doing what we want. We find ourselves happily setting aside the things that don't make Him happy and doing what will make Him happy out of love. And when we find that doing so is a struggle, because laying aside self is not always easy or possible for us, His love gives us the grace, the power, to live for Him rather than for ourselves. But it's not a one sided relationship of sacrifice. He set aside His self for us, to make it possible for us to have relationship with Him and to give us the pleasure that comes from a life worth living. He loved us first unselfishly in a way that benefited us far more than it did Him, and made it possible for us to love Him unselfishly in return.
Lord, may we love You as You loved us, setting aside self and doing the things that please You, out of love and not as an attempt to earn Your favor or force Your hand. Help us to set aside those things that don't please you and let even the little things in our life be for Your pleasure and Your glory. Amen.
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