“That’s me in the corner…that’s me in the spotlight losing my religion.” What I would like to do is pretend it didn’t happen, to wish my wife didn’t witness the zombie of self rise from the grave in all its stinking, slimy glory. But yesterday life got big and taught me a lesson. For years now as God set me free from addiction I confessed that I don’t handle pain well at all. Yet yesterday despite all I know, despite all I’ve been taught and taught on realizing I can’t, He can, I will let Him, I tried to control my attitude myself after days of hurting worse than usual. I failed. Miserably.
If someone had been able to witness me during times driving with my wife they wouldn’t have seen the light of Christ. No one would have believed that I’m a minister. They would however, have no problem believing I’m a convict. I haven’t been and stayed so angry in a long time. At one point I actually said that some guy was about to make me lose my religion as I fought the urge to get out of the car and introduce him to the techniques of violence I honed behind bars.
It’s embarrassing to admit that. I am indeed ashamed, and it would be easy to write something else. To jot down something spiritual that doesn’t show my failure and humanity. But God can use our failures as much as our successes. As I lay in bed awake off and on last night, the pain kept me from sleeping the night through, I reflected on the day and the week and my inability to be a good, loving, non-angry Christian on my own. As my wife suggested, I checked myself. The truth is that we are as powerless over our attitudes as we are over our actions, perhaps more so. The attitudes lead to the actions. The grace of God helped me confine my foolishness to the privacy of Leah’s company yesterday, but my heart was full of self-pity, fear and anger.
Sometimes it takes a few days before we get miserable enough and defeated enough to remember the simplicity of the truth that we can’t elevate ourselves by determination, positive thinking and will power. However, if I remember that, and surrender even my pain to God as a sacrifice of praise, then I can go through anything, including pain, by the power of Christ who gives the strength that I need. Today let us surrender so completely that even when the hardships are not removed we can access the grace that lets us be a light of love regardless of the circumstances. So that even if the pain and fear are not taken away as quickly as we like, we can say with our attitudes and actions that it is indeed well with our soul.
This morning I hurt worse than I did yesterday morning. Yet there is a smile on my face that is coming from somewhere else. That’s a much better declaration of the grace and power of a loving God than the physical healing of my back would provide. Peace during the storm is a better light in the dark than the removal of the storm. I lost my religion again, but as a result I improved my relationship, and that is better by far.
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