I woke up around 7 AM, because my dreams were becoming a little strange. I should've gotten up. At that point, I actually felt less rested than I had an hour or so before, and I had even less time to do all that needs to get done today. I went back to sleep. Sometime about an hour later I fought my way to consciousness from the depths of a nightmare I had been unable to wake from for what seemed like forever. I woke and lay there for close to a half hour because I couldn't make myself get up. I feel exhausted and my brain is still foggy. The lethargy I'm struggling with is like swimming in cold syrup. I knew I should've gotten up.
I can't tell you if that little voice I ignored was the still small voice of the Spirit or just my subconscious being self aware enough to know that things were going to get rough. I won't pretend to be able to figure it out. Maybe it was just the voice of wisdom, which has been ignored far more often than not in my 46 years, trying to tell me that if I wake feeling alert and fairly rested a couple of hours early on a busy day, I should be grateful for the rest and the early start, do the responsible thing and get up and get started. I still don't know. It could be a combination of all three or even none of the above. What I do know is that either the Spirit whispered in my ear or I had an intuitive thought or the Spirit gave me an intuitive thought that I ignored and bad things happened.
There are so many instances like that in my past. Times where I heard that voice distinctly saying this is not a good idea, or this is stupid, or this is going to hurt, or you should do such and such because you know it's the right thing to do, or....... So often I ignored that voice, and more times than not, by far, that little voice was right. You'd think I'd learn. But that's why I am grateful that it's progress rather than perfection. The times that I fail to heed those warnings are not the same caliber or nearly as bad as they once were. They don't cause the damage and destruction that they once did, to myself or others. I had some bad dreams. I am starting to slip from the fog as I focus on the Son, move around and consume large quantities of the Magic Elixir of Waketitude. It took a while to get going, but I'm going, and while the first hour of being up sucked, in another hour, the effects of the terrors of the past may be completely gone and I will have simply gotten a slightly late start to the day.
There was a time when ignoring that voice caused great pain in my life and the life of others, where I made choices that caused ripples in the pond of my life that are still causing disturbance and making the waters rough today, that led to hospital visits and handcuffs. But there have been times when that voice wasn't ignored that made all the difference. Seven years ago this evening, despite being intoxicated, I had a moment of clarity. That's recovery speak for I heard that little voice. It said I was going to die, and soon, if I didn't get clean and sober again and stay that way. It said that God loved me and would help me. And somehow, as quiet as the voice was, it still drowned out the voice of doubt and fear and despair that said it was hopeless. I listened. I responded to the voice rather than ignoring it and followed the intuitive thought and the voice of the Spirit (in this case, I feel fairly certain of the combo) to the place of refuge and wisdom. I stopped drinking. I let the buzz begin to fade. I braced myself for the new start, hindered by hangover, that I would face the next day. I started over, retracing and reworking the steps that had brought 15 months of recovery before my relapse.
I am learning to listen to that voice. I do so more times that not these days, and it's rare that I am not grateful for doing so. I can't think of any disasters that occurred because I listened to and followed what the voice said. The voice of responsibility, of wisdom, of experience, of intuition, and the voice of the Spirit are all ways that God guides us from destruction to a path of safety, service and peace. One of the greatest rewards of recovery is learning to listen to that chorus and to have the times when we fail to do so be on the little things instead of the big ones. Listen, trust and obey, and life is better.
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