I hate days like this, because I inevitably say something wrong or do something insensitive or uncaring. I want to release everything going on in the tumult of my mind and enter into praise and fellowship with the Father, but I also want to isolate and hide and cry and scream, and I had no idea why I was feeling this way. It may be the steroids I'm taking for my eyes and will hopefully be done with soon. It may be this lingering cold that I can't seem to completely kick to the curb. Or maybe it's because I didn't sleep well at all last night and am in need of rest. It may be something else all together.
Or maybe it doesn't matter. It's nice to know and understand why you're feeling what you're feeling, but in the end it doesn't really matter. I kept telling myself that this morning as I tried to do what does matter. I can get so caught up in what's wrong, why am I off, why do I feel like I'm in an emotional hurricane this morning? Why me? Why now? Blah, blah, blah, self pity, blah blah. Lack of rest and sickness can drain us so quickly spiritually that lifting our heads to find the grace we need can feel an overwhelming task.
But it's a necessary one. If I were to be diagnosed with cancer. I have no doubt I would have some of the same questions and despairing, tumultuous emotions, only worse. Why? Why me? How bad is this going to get? Leave me alone and hold me... but if I had a choice between answers to questions about how and why and all that or treatment, I would choose treatment. I believe most would. Why? Because those answers don't matter. Of course, they matter, but not as much as the solution matters.
Why am I an alcoholic and an addict? I could look into a hundred different reasons that all have some merit. It could be genetic. It could be environmental. It could be..... It doesn't matter. I could know exactly why and say to myself, this is why I get messed up, as I slowly kill myself. Or I could know no definite answers and have the solution. Solution matters.
It doesn't matter that I woke feeling off, and messed up. It matters that I know that no matter if it feels overwhelming to do so or not, the solution is to set aside self and seek contact with Daddy. It's as important to do that when I feel blah or bad as when I feel good. The solution is the same and why I felt wrong is less important if engaging in the spiritual solution wins the victory and brings about change.
It might be nice to be able to say why I drink and drug without God, but it's far more important to remember and proclaim the miraculous truth that I don't drink and drug or wake up wishing I were dead when walking through my life worth living hand in hand with my Heavenly Daddy.
We can get so caught up in trying to understand and figure ourself out that we forget we're supposed to be sacrificing self. The main difference between the Old and New Testaments is God doesn't demand our sacrifice be perfect, because Jesus already made the perfect sacrifice. We don't have to understand ourself, or fix ourself, or get ourself, our attitude or our act together before bringing self to the altar, taking up our cross and following Him for the day. We can come right away, as we are, spiritual morning breath and all.
Today let us be quick to run to Him, and let us focus on the answer more than the questions. Let's keep in mind the things that truly and eternally matter and let the other stuff fall away or at the very least become secondary. What's wrong with me? It doesn't matter. What matters is where I can go for treatment, that there is a solution, that He can make me OK, and better. What matters is that this is true for you as well. What matters is relationship and love. There is a time and a place for the things that aren't eternal and let us not forsake them, but let us not let trivial pursuit distract us from the solution and purpose that matters.
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