Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
- Step 10
This is not easy to do, and I admit that throughout my day I am not always quick to check myself. I don't shy from the end of the day review, but all too often I slip on the cruise control and go with the flow. I am grateful that I don't have to do this alone, anymore than I have to do any of the other alone. And like the rest of life, recovery and discipleship, it's all about relationships.
Search me, Father, and know my heart
Try me and know my mind
And if there be any wicked way in me
Pull me to the rock that is higher than I (from Psalm 139:23)
I just wanna know
Am I pulling people closer?
I just wanna be pulling them to you
I just wanna stay angry at the evil
I just wanna be hungry for the true
- from I Just Wanna Know by Steve Taylor
If we pray things like the above song quote or even sing it as a prayer, as I do from time to time, or pray the verse that inspired it, or even just ask God to guide us as we go about our day, Step 10 can become so much easier and of more use than simply knowing we screwed up again and need to admit it. It can be a blessing of relationship as the Holy Spirit speaks to us and lets us know when we're getting off track or stops us before we do, like a friend keeping us from stepping into traffic while distracted.
When we let the Holy Spirit check us, take our inventory, we get a true revelation from a friend. Just like my wife can look at me and say that wasn't very nice, when I act unloving toward someone, giving me instant feedback instead of the comfort of waiting until the end of the day and making me check myself then and there, the Holy Spirit can do the same thing and then teach me something or remind me of truth I already know to enable me to grow from the experience. It's not just correction. It's Daddy's patient understanding and compassion with me that blooms into compassion and love for others.
Yesterday morning, I had such an experience, at church no less. Now, one might think that church would be the place where it is easiest to do right or that I am saying that the Spirit simply used the spiritual atmosphere to reveal where I got off course about 180°. But no, Dear Reader, what I am saying is that within a few minutes of getting to church, before the meeting even started, I fell smack dab into a big, stinky pile of self.
I run the sound at Nacogdoches Christian Fellowship, and as anyone who runs sound knows, and most musicians know, if you move the speakers in a room, you change the entire EQ. The room has to be reset, which is a little time consuming and difficult when there are people in the room talking or singing and you're hearing other things besides what's coming through the system. It's just easier to keep the sound right if people leave the soundboard and the speakers alone. And over the years, it's become a bit of a peeve of mine.
There is another church that using the Nacogdoches Christian Fellowship building from time to time for special worship when they are doing something and their building is not large enough. This weekend was one such time, and no one told me. I walked in to church, minutes before it should start, and saw the speakers had been moved. And not just a little bit. Frustration immediately flowered and bloomed. I complained it had happened. I said that I would try to fix it quickly but likely the first song or two of our worship service would sound like crap. I didn't try at all to hide or hinder my exasperation as I readjusted speakers and EQ.
About five minutes after I finished and got still and quiet enough inside for the Holy Spirit to speak and have me hear, He did. What was the purpose of all that? Did it help things go faster or more smoothly? Did anyone in this sanctuary who saw that see Jesus in any of your actions or reactions, or did they simply see how you had been put out and inconvenienced? Is it really too much a hardship for you to give 10 or 15 minutes of your time, energy and ability (which Daddy gave you in the first place) to reset the sound in exchange for a group of your brothers and sisters, whom you are supposed to be loving, having a place to praise and worship Him?
I nearly wept. It had seemed like such a small thing. I didn't get loud. I didn't cuss. I didn't throw a tantrum. I just got all centered on myself, and how this affected me, and forgot completely about anyone witnessing my reaction to being slightly inconvenienced, forgot about why the speakers were moved in the first place (so that people could praise and worship God, and I am all about that), and that my purpose has nothing to do with keeping the sound right at the church. My purpose is to deny self, be a reflection of Jesus, and love God and others. And suddenly that little thing seemed like the actions of anti-Christ, because it was the exact opposite of how I have been called to live. It had become all about self, all about me, instead of all about Jesus.
I didn't make excuses or blame shift. I saw I had messed up. The Holy Spirit took my inventory, and all I could do was admit it to myself and Him that I acknowledged He is right, and I had been wrong. After church I told my father what had happened, and that completed Step 10 on the matter. Inventory had been taken. Not by me, but I heard it and received it. I was wrong and admitted it to God, myself and another human being. But what about the more?
The more came a few minutes after the Holy Spirit's reading my inventory to me. An idea popped into my head that would make it easy to move the speakers, instead of trying to make people work around them, and yet also make it easy to make sure that the speakers could easily and quickly be put back in the right place and position without having to rework the sound. Those who know me well, know I am neither engineering nor mechanically minded. and any such idea was Divine Inspiration, tips from Teacher, and not my own. It will be easy and inexpensive. And the next time the guests come, they will be surprised with a sound man thrilled to see them because they are coming to give God glory, and eager to move the speakers out of their way. I hope it happens soon.
My point is this. The situation has happened before. Most times, unless I got seriously frustrated, I never even caught it upon nightly review, so nothing changed. When I did catch it, I realized I had gotten angry, repented and moved on, not thinking I owed any amends, because the people I was upset with didn't even know. Nothing changed. Nothing got better in or outside of me. But when the Holy Spirit did my inventory, I saw the truths and the depths of self I had sunk into. What had looked to me like no big deal, was huge, because in that moment I had shown nothing of the love of Jesus to anyone. I had made my comfort and convenience more important than the glory of God. As soon as I realized that, accepted it and asked for grace to enable me to love as I should, I had the idea of how to solve the solution for the benefit of all involved and the the glory of God. And that too me is awesome. It's so much better than the result of even catching it myself. Because I need more than to see it, acknowledge it and make amends. I need to see the extent of how unlike Jesus I still am, I need to be led to the Rock that is higher than I. I need to stay hungry for truth and get closer and closer to Jesus, and, in the process, draw others closer to Him as well.
That can't happen as well or as often if I check my heart with my mind. But if I walk in relationship with Jesus, desiring to be more like Him and be a reflection of His light, then the Holy Spirit has the pliability in me that allows Him to say Hey Dude, you screwed up, and here's a better way. It's not just making it right, it's growing in love. Love for God, and love for others. And this is not some mini-success story starring me. This is about how awesome a teacher and inventory taker and comforter and problem solver the Holy Spirit is. Seek first God's glory and relationship with Him and the desire for others to have relationship with Him, and you won't be wandering around trying to figure out if you're on course, doing it right or whatever. You will be going through your days with a friend who will call you on your crap, but also lead you to the love that can make it right and better.
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