Last night Leah and I played some Farkle and had a little Netflix NCIS marathon. We finished up season 8 and got a start on season 9. In one of the episodes we saw, Tony, one of the agents, went to make an amends, and during the amends realized he had the story wrong. He had told the same lie over so many times that he had believed it himself.
It reminded me of a couple of things. The first is a man I know who told me once how working the Fourth and Fifth Steps helped him in unexpected ways. It wasn't until he committed his inventory to paper that he ever noticed that the past he swore was true, and could have passed a lie detector test about, couldn't have been true, since there was no way he could've been in two different cities at once. He had to do some digging to find what was the truth and what was the lie.
The other thing it reminded me of was my own past. I can remember some pretty hinky things I've done. I can remember some that were downright evil. I can remember some that I didn't even think were all that bad at the time because I was so messed up. Sure I would've gotten in trouble if my parents found out, but I'd have gotten in trouble for watching more than half the things that I watched on TV at my friends' houses too. So I told myself the lie that just because some people, especially my parents, thought something was wrong, didn't make it so.
The saddest thing, and most of the few regrets that I still have (as opposed to no longer regretting the past but seeing how my experience can benefit others) are from things I did in that last category that didn't seem any more messed up than watching Friday the 13th Part 3 behind my mother's back and causing my poor little brother to have nightmares because I dragged him along. I was supposed to be watching him and taking care of him, not exposing a seven-year-old to the terrors of Jason. But it actually seemed like a good idea at the time. I really thought he would enjoy it. I saw Jaws about the same age, and I loved it. But he didn't love it. I did some damage.
No, that isn't one of the regrets I mentioned, but it was during the time of the beginning of a messed up pattern of self deception that led to those regrets. It was part of the pattern. The belief system that pushed aside years of being taught right from wrong in exchange for a lie that said if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. If it looks or seems like it might feel good or fun, try it. If it feels good, do it again. If it hurts less than the hurt you feel just from being alive and manages to take away or distract from that pain, then do it a lot. And with it came a lot of lies that said things weren't bad, or all that bad, or not a big deal that turned out to be some of the most destructive things I ever allowed to happen to me or to others by me.
And sure most of those things were done and over long before I was legal to drive. But some of the things I did under that philosophy of life continued to bring death and destruction and be things that took a miracle of God to break. The drinking I began as a preteen didn't finally completely stop until I was almost 40. The drugs that started the same time my teen years kicked off took just as long to be free of as the alcohol. It was choices I made at 11 and 12 and never dealt with or saw as a problem until too late that took me down the path of destruction that eventually took me through having to live with having hurt people I cared and care about, being raped at age 15, multiple suicide attempts, and turning 30 two months before going to prison. It was the things that started out as OK, or at least not that bad, that did the most damage by creating a life lived in secret, where as long as no one knows than nobody can care. A life that said on one hand I am a freak and no one can understand me, so I need to hide away, do my deeds in the dark with the other roaches. But on the other hand, everyone is just like me, and they probably do the same things and just keep it secret too, or at least they want to do them and are just too scared of what others think, or, if I couldn't sell myself one of those two, if they only knew what I've been through then they would understand why I.....
Of course the lies of my youth in those two hands aren't true, and even if one were, they can't both be true at the same time. They contradict. Yet, I lived as though they were both true for decades. And they infested me and my life and my relationships. There is a situation where someone has kind of pulled a Tony with me. I have heard stories that have been told about some of my exploits in the late 90's that never happened. I'm pretty sure the ones telling them could pass a lie detector test though. I know they believe the tales. And the truth is that they aren't nearly as bad as things I did do and readily admit to. So I let it go. It's not worth trying to correct. What reputation would I be trying to protect? Seriously, true or false, those tales are not even on the top whatever list of bad things I did while living in my drinking and drugging bottom.
And another reason not to defend myself is that I know that some of the damage I did in those early days of lingering regret led to the destruction in the relationships that led to the untruths. I may never have done whatever in 1999 and 2000, but I did worse in 1984. Choices made at 13 were stones in a path that ended with me alone and in prison in 2001. The decade of the decadence that preceded it, which was birthed out of the lies I told myself and believed as a middle schooler, cost me every relationship I had. Even the ones that weren't lost completely, by the grace of God, were damaged greatly. Some are only now beginning to heal. They cost me enough money to live on for years. They cost me a career I loved. They cost me my freedom, and they nearly cast me my life.
So much could have been different, so many things spared the fires of hell I set, had I simply looked and went wait, they can't both be true. But we can lie to ourselves and actually believe our own propaganda. It seems stupid, but we do it. And if we aren't careful, those lies can make giants of destruction seem like no big deal, and can make eating the candy that leads to the house of death seem like the most excellent idea ever. It's truth that makes us free, but we can't walk in truth while clinging to the lies. We can't heal while the poison remains. And we can't see through our crap on our own. We can never be truly self-objective. We are either going to go too easy, shift blame and excuse or we are going to be too hard, too critical and accept blame that is not, or not totally, ours. They may have started it or done the most or the worst while we had a part. Or we may have started it or done the most or the worst but they had a part, or someone else had a part. I must own my part, never too little or too much. But I can't evaluate correctly because I can't even always tell on my own that two things are contradicting each other.
We need the guidance and wisdom of the Holy Spirit to show us the truth. We need to stay in close conscious contact with Daddy so that when we see the candy trail and say that looks good! He can say Look again child, that leads to death. We need to be so full of the love of Jesus, that we can't lie and be OK with it because it grieves our heart, but, like Him, we don't always have to defend ourselves either. Sometimes it's best to let things go until God is ready to deal with them. Some of the truth of my life didn't find it's way into my understanding until years and years later as God continued to draw me closer to Him and burn away the things that get in the way of our relationship. I must allow Him His timing in the lives of others as well. But I can't know when to move and when to wait on my own. So I need Him. His guidance. His wisdom. His truth, which is THE truth. His patience. His grace. His mercy, and most of all, His love. And I can't have those work in my life or access those while trying to run the show, handle the mess and the stress, design the plan, or be independent. It takes surrender of my life and will to His care and then staying as close as possible, trying to improve conscious contact with Daddy so that I can know what His will is and have the power to do it. And this, Dear Reader, is one of those things that really is true for you as well.
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