Jesus is the truth that makes us free. He is the way, the truth and the life we need and seek, the only way to Daddy.The truth that we need to be able to see, understand and live according to is that there is a God, we're not Him and we can't live good enough to earn His favor, but He loves us anyway, despite us, and He gave Himself to make a way for us to have relationship with Him and sent His spirit to enable us to love as He loves and do what is right and best instead of always messing up and living selfishly. But He must have control of our will and life, must increase while we decrease, in order for us to experience true freedom that means we have a choice.
But in addition to that, there is another kind of truth that helps us get to that place of surrender and close, conscious contact or relationship with our Heavenly Daddy. Yes, we have to have the capacity to be honest with ourselves, to be able to look within and see the truth that we have lived selfishly and self centeredly and have tried to run our lives and the lives of others in order to provide for our own needs of security, comfort, pleasure and acceptance because there was a vacuum within that we couldn't seem to fill, no matter what or how we tried, until we put what belonged there in place, which is relationship with our Creator. He is our Daddy, and we are His children. So a big part of our honesty is simply acknowledging the truth that we have acted like spoiled toddlers, throwing fits and acting like foolish brats because we didn't get out way or understand what we were going through. Like a child refusing to speak to or hug his mother after receiving a shot to make him better when he's sick, we ran from Daddy and refused to listen to His way, guidance and instruction because we suffered in some way or another and didn't understand.
We all have something like this in our history. Some of us have a lot of these somethings. Our siblings, read other people, especially religious folks, cut us to pieces, beat us nearly to death and left us on the street wondering what happened and why. Or one of those many horrible events like the death of a child or a natural disaster or something bad happening to someone who doesn't deserve it or, or, or, one of those things that make you say if God is all loving and all powerful then why didn't He keep this from happening to me, to them, to us? There is some way in which each of us, if we have lived long enough to experience any kind of hurt and misery that cut deep enough to wound our soul, have been afraid of and angry at Daddy. And we'll never have the relationship we need with Him while refusing to be honest about that and acknowledge that truth.
He already knows it all anyway, better than we do, but we need to tell Him. We need to get honest with ourselves and our Lord about why we hate the idea of total surrender to Him. How can I surrender to a God I don't believe loves me? And how can I believe He really loves me while I am so angry at Him and blaming Him for such and such injury and suffering I have experienced? We instinctively pull back from this kind of honesty, because we know it isn't true. It's honest in it's how we feel, but something deep inside knows it's not reality. We pull back from expressing the truth of our heart because we fear His anger in return, like God is some petty human who'll be all like How dare you speak to Me in that manner, I'll show you suffering and give you a reason to cry. You just thought you had it rough before. We refuse to express our feelings because we have empowered ourselves and identified ourselves for so long by our feelings that we don't know who we are or how to live free of our anger, our victimhood, our martyrdom, our whatever that is making us miserable but at the same time is comfortably familiar....the hell you know verses the fear of change into the unknown. And last but not least, we fear looking foolish.
We are like the teen girl who isn't allowed to do something because her mom actually wants what's best for her. No, you can't hitchhike across the country by yourself, not now at 15 and not at 45 if I have anything to say about it. Then comes the reaction to not getting her way and the teen screams that her mother just doesn't understand, she's old enough to make her own decisions, her mom is ruining her life and finally, the horrible foolishness, the girl screams, I hate you!, and runs from the room in tears. At some point embarrassment will kick in. She doesn't hate her mom, not really, but sometimes our feelings in the moment don't line up with reality. And eventually, she'll see the wisdom in her mother's refusal to allow her to have her way. And then will come the I'm sorry that I acted as I did, that I didn't see or believe that you loved me, and that I said I hated you. I don't. I love you.
But before she could repair the relationship, she had to acknowledge the need for repair. If she hadn't expressed how she felt, she may have been able to pretend that everything was OK when it wasn't. There would be a distance between them always until the girl finally admitted how she felt about not getting her way. We're in that same place. Maybe we didn't yell at God and say we hate Him and run off. Maybe we did. But regardless, we took that anger and lived with it. When we came to the place of surrender, there was a barrier. If you want to have the closest, deepest relationship with Daddy possible, it's time for honesty. We need to be honest with how we felt, and how we still feel at times.
But I can't talk to God like that! You need to. He's a big God. He can take it, and He already knows how you feel and think anyway. But He can't comfort you and heal you while you are pretending with Him and yourself that you feel love and trust when what you really feel is doubt and anger. I speak from experience. On more than one occasion I have gotten off somewhere alone with God and expressed the truth of my feelings and my belief of the lies that had clouded my mind, stuff like I don't understand why You love and care about the whole world except me! I know I'm not good, but I'm not as bad as ___________, so it's not fair that they get to be daddies and I don't. Why did my babies have to die? Why did you do that to me?! Oh goodness, whine, whine, self pity, wrongful blame. You've been mean and unfair towards me! I could go on. I did with God. It wasn't pretty. But I didn't get struck by lightning or squashed like a bug, or even have things get worse. In fact, time and time again, after it was over, after I spewed that toxin that I had been pretending wasn't there, tried to ignore and refused to admit I felt and believed for so long, I felt closer to Him, and I was able to really let go of it and see the truth that He loves me. Sometimes I pick it back up, but for the most part I don't blame God and get angry about the misery I have endured. When I need to, I let Him have it again. And He takes it, wraps His arms around my wounded heart and brings a little more healing. Progress, not perfection.
If we want real freedom and a relationship with God that doesn't have barriers that make us miserable we have to get honest, honest with God and ourselves. Dare to drop all our pretense and pride and bare our souls to Jesus, telling Him the truth of how we feel and what we think and let Him accept us as we are, not as we should be, and love us back to life and health.
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