I have been to more funerals than I care to think about of friends in recovery who had one more relapse in them but not another recovery. We don't all die free. I wish that weren't true, but it is. Recovery is tough. Without God, true and lasting recovery is impossible for most. I have never met an alcoholic or addict in recovery who hasn't had difficult dark days where they wrestled with the thought of giving in and going back out, of just trying for one more taste or a day without the struggle and the fight against the old way of life and serving the old master.
Sometimes it feels like the entire universe is against us making it, that recovery, not just restraining from giving in but freedom from the obsession to drink and drug, is a pipe dream, a fairy tale fantasy. It doesn't feel like anything is every really going to change for the better and that sooner or later it will all fall apart. But not everything we feel is real, and freedom from the obsession is possible. It is possible to recover from a hopeless state of mind and body and soul. Because all things are possible with God, and I have experienced this freedom.
It's been a long time since I have had to fight and struggle against the temptation to go back out. Dark days, difficult days, days surrounded by people who are doing those things I no longer do, I have had these and more that would have made my staying clean and sober impossible, or at least an exhausting battle, at one time, and they don't even raise an alert any more. I'm not saying it never crosses my mind. That would be fun. This movie would be cool tripping. A cold beer would be the perfect way to top off this moment. Other such insane thoughts. But insane flashes are not a fight these days. They are usually in my mind and gone before I even realize them. It's like wow, that was nuts, I'm glad I don't really believe that anymore, and they're gone.
The obsession is gone. When those thoughts come, they don't stay. I don't have to force them down and keep them at bay and pray that I don't give in. Because the impossible for me has already been made possible with God. I'm not talking about religion and spiritual disciplines. Those never worked for me. But relationship with my Creator who made a home within me, and, even though I don't and never will deserve it, has given me the power to change, to live differently today than I did yesterday, and to be free, has given me a life worth living, a life where recovery is no longer a battle against relapse.
Even dark days and difficult times don't have to defeat us, don't have to drive us back to the bondage of our past. Even the darkest day can be lit with the love of Daddy for us and used to take us deeper into relationship with Him instead of driving us into the wilderness of isolation and hopelessness. Maybe the snippets of conversation that triggered these thoughts weren't accurate and my friend didn't go back out. But today, this day, some will, and some of those who do will die before finding freedom again. It won't be me, and it doesn't have to be you. There really is freedom in Christ. He died so that we can live, not survive but live, live a life full of love, peace and joy that can be given to others and demonstrates the truth that there is hope, there is a God whose love and power can set the captive truly free and restore the broken. May you find Him now.
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