I must admit that I am not very good at taking care of myself sometimes. As I write this , it's about 5:30 in the morning, and I've been up for about an hour and a half. I need to sleep, but I am sick and hurting, and I know that if I stay in bed I will only cough and toss and turn and disturb my wonderful wife. So I got up, but in doing so I had a longer quiet-time with Daddy. What started out as an action I took for the benefit of someone else turned into a blessing for me, even though I physically feel pretty lousy. I wasn't trying to take care of myself, but the Spirit ministered to me, and it served as a reminder that taking care of my self is not my job.
Now, I am not talking about it not being my job to try and get enough rest, to eat at least healthy enough to stay somewhat fit, to not cause more damage to my back etc. I have a responsibility to care for myself in those ways, and I will most likely take it easy physically today and encourage recovery from whatever this illness is that is producing the sickness. But there is a reason that I don't consider that really taking care of self and why, while I agree that I need to learn refusal skills, I disagree with the idea of what I referred to in the opening paragraph.
First, the spiritual program of recovery, as it is laid out in the book, does not teach nor advocate a balance between selfishness and selflessness.
Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.
- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 62
I'm not seeing anything about balance here. It says the alcoholic (and this approach has been transferred over to other 12 Step programs, so it could read the junkie, the degenerate gambler, the credit card abuser, the over eater, the pron addict, the whoever is being controlled by something that is destroying life and relationships and either can't stop or can't stay stopped) must be rid of this selfishness. It doesn't say control it or balance it out with a good dose of selflessness. Must be rid of this selfishness.
And this is one of the many places where the 12 Step literature agrees with scripture. There are a few places where I would say that is not the case, and in those cases, scripture supersedes. Just like if a minister I respect happens to say or write something that doesn't line up with scripture, I throw that out. It doesn't mean I never listen to them again or that all that they teach is wrong. It just means that if there is a contradiction between what Daddy says and what a person is teaching, we should always go with Daddy. I encourage you, Dear Reader, to follow Paul's instruction and test teaching, even mine, against the Spirit of truth and scripture. But here, there is total agreement, because Jesus said if you want to follow Him, you simply deny self, embrace the death of self, and follow Him.
And He was saying to them all, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me."
- Luke 9:23
Deny self, not control it, not be a tad less selfish, and not balance out selfishness with service. Die self, die. In the Third Step Prayer and in the process of salvation, we surrender ourselves to God, totally and unconditionally. We offer ourselves to Him. We place our lives on the altar. Our lives are no longer our own, but rather we belong to Him for Him to use and do with as He sees fit. If this, what both scripture and spiritual programs of recovery agree on, that we are His to do with as He desires, is true, then taking care of my physical body is less about taking care of my self and more like upkeep and maintenance on the company car. I get to drive this body around, but it's not mine, and, out of respect for the Owner, I need to maintain it. I also don't need to balance anything with taking care of the self I need to be rid of, but I do need to keep the proper position between general service and specific service and obedience.
What I mean by that is that there are things that I would like to do, people I would like to be of service to, compassion, love, and kindness to give that Daddy has not directed specifically. Of course there is a general directive to serve, to show the love and compassion of Christ, to do what Jesus did, so those moments of simply being a light in the darkness and being an expression of the love and compassion of Jesus to someone who needs Him is service, obedience and a very good thins to do. But even a good thing to do is not a good thing if it comes at the expense of the direct and specific instruction, calling or will of Daddy.
It would be a kind and caring act of love for Jesus to have repaired someone's roof, or raised another person from the dead, of fed some homeless folks, or just healed another few hundred or few thousand, but not if any of those good things had caused Him to miss His appointment at the Garden. The Garden of Gethsemane is where the real battle was won, where the flesh and desires of self were submitted, after much agony and struggle, to the plan and will of Daddy, and the garden was where the finale began with the betrayal and arrest of Christ. Even if He had saved more people in Galilee, we would be eternally lost had He not been at that appointed place and that appointed time. That said, there were many examples of Jesus being moved with compassion for someone in need and delaying or detouring His journey to do the will of Daddy in order to be meet that need. And stopping en route to help just happened to also be the will of Daddy. There were times where Jesus fled the crowds and the needs and requests of people to get alone with Daddy, to rest, recharge spiritually and commune with Daddy. And this also was Daddy's will for Him.
My point is that while the mind, emotions and body of Jesus may have been cared for and refreshed during these excursions into the wilderness alone, and while getting to the person or place Daddy instructed Him to go see may have been delayed by stopping to help someone else first, neither of these two instances were a case of Jesus doing anything Daddy didn't want or of Jesus taking care of or putting His self above others. Even the time in the wilderness was the will of Daddy and taking care of Daddy's instrument.
Sometimes Daddy would have us flee the multitude to spend time with Him. The crowd, or the individual, can wait or can find someone else to help them. We may need to be better prepared by the Spirit before we can do more good than harm. Or perhaps there is someone else who would be of greater help to the person in need than we would be or needs to be of service at that moment more than we do. We would be selfish to insist on being the one to help under those circumstances. Or maybe the person asking for help is really asking for us to help because they keep looking to people and in this case, Daddy doesn't want us to help because He wants the person to reach out to Him. Sometimes stopping to help someone on our way is exactly what we need to do, but sometimes it would only make us miss the appointed place and time where Daddy most needs us.
It isn't about balancing selfishness. It's about staying in the will of Daddy, even when that means saying no to a person or a crowd, even when it means saying no or later to doing something that would be a nice, kind, or good thing to do. It's about staying in the will and making a stop or a detour when we should, even if that alters the plans that we had made or that Daddy had made. If He says stop, we need to stop. And it means we go directly to the Garden, not stopping for anything or anyone or without turning to the right or left, no detours, no delays, when that is Daddy's will. We don't have to worry about balance, of any kind, if we simply stay guided, directed and controlled by Daddy. But know that there are times when we will have to say no to people, ministries and causes, or will have to say not right now. Sometimes we can get in bondage even to the idea of good, to the idea that when someone needs help, I am responsible to help them, so now I am afraid to ever say no because it might mean that they don't get help and die. But we are only responsible if Daddy tells us to help them. If He doesn't, we may do more harm than good. Daddy may have another hand ready to reach out that would be better, if we don't interfere and get in the way.Sometimes no is obedience.
Today, let us be quick to serve, love, and show kindness whenever and wherever we can. But if Daddy says come off alone with Me, or don't delay or detour with what I am calling you to, then let us not use service and kindness as an excuse to neglect the will of Daddy. Lord, we know that we can only stay in Your will through the guidance of the Holy Spirit. He is the only way we know when to detour and when not to, who to say I will do whatever you need to and who to say no to, when to face our fellows and be the light and when to get alone and recharge, and when saying yes to You means saying no to people and using our refusal skills. We ask that You keep us so filled with Your Spirit that we may know when, where and how to do each of these. Let us not forget the how. Even when we need to refuse, let us do so, with all the wisdom and compassion of the Spirit, in such a way as to not hurt or to treat someone as though they do not matter. Let even our refusal give glory to You and shine the light of the love of Jesus in the darkness. Amen.
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