I may be the only one who does this, but I sometimes fantasize about being able. If somebody mistreats me or disrespects me, if I don't watch it I'll catch myself imagining myself back in the situation or in a future similar situation where I have the perfect quip or comeback to stop it from hurting. Or maybe I am able to turn around and walk away, not out of love, but because I have no fear of the negative consequences and I have found or created a better situation. Or maybe I can give that person that look that backs them down and shuts them up without me having to raise a finger.
When I start hurting from work, it's so easy to fantasize about suddenly being good at something else or being able to erase my criminal record and get a job I would love more where I make enough and work less. Or I'm able to figure out the mathematical formula to pick the numbers and win the lottery. Maybe I just find the $300 million ticket in a parking lot.
I know all the right words to help my hurting friends and bless those I encounter. I actually am able to fix and control those things in my life and the lives of those I care about that in truth or so beyond my ability it breaks my heart. I can jump in my mental time machine and go backwards or forwards and fix it all, have the skills and the smarts or maybe just the will and the chance to succeed. I can....I...
And honestly, therein lies the problems. My heart and mind are turning to the absolute fantasy of me being my own answer and or someone else's. But this is a fantasy which could never happen, things getting better because I become the answer, the solution.
How much better would it be if it were the other way. Maybe when the circumstance, situation or relationship came to mind, if my imagination kicked in, I could imagine me getting totally and completely out of the way and letting God have full and complete control. Suddenly the Spirit is driving the car, and He knows the words that save me and the others, it's the look of compassion that Christ showed so well that stops the escalations or the look of pure forgiveness that endures them. It's God who opens the doors or grants the power and grace to bear the heat and pressure of the present place. It's God...God who does the work, gets the glory, makes the impossible happen.
Maybe one of the reasons it can at times be so hard to surrender my will to His and do it or go through it His way, is I still wish I could somehow keep my will, keep control, succeed and "serve" God. Surely I could have my birthday cake and eat it too? I can celebrate who I am and my own accomplishments, go through life being able to get and do what I want through my own power, strength and ability, and yet somehow still manage to have a good relationship with God. I can do it all myself, not really need Him and still be spiritually OK and have relationship with my Creator.
No way, I truly have a better chance of winning the lottery without buying a ticket. And I don't want it to happen. There's something amazing about how life keeps getting better the more I learn to lean on Him, the more I surrender, the more I accept that I can't, He can and I should let Him. But maybe it'll be easier in reality if it stays true in dreaming as well.
Abba, I need You, and I can't do this, whatever this is, on my own apart from You. Help me not to desire approval from my self and from others but rather only seek to please You and get closer to You. Let my idle, hurting or upset mind even keep You in Your proper place of King in my mind and life, of Director of my play, of Master of My Universe so much that when the time comes in reality to choose Your will or mine there's no hesitation to surrender. Let the meditations of my idle mind even bring me closer and not fuel any desire or hope to be my own answer. Jesus I acknowledge You as Lord and declare that You are the answer, both in reality and in fantasy. There is no where that it is proper or safe for me to be self-reliant. May I lean on You always, even in my daydreams. Amen.
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