Did you know that men who are not in prison can and do get raped? I'm not talking about molested, which is bad and horrible and happens all too often to children of both genders but brutally, violently beaten and raped? I didn't know that little fact. You hear about women get raped, but you rarely, if ever, hear of it happening to men, unless the word prison is added. The subject is almost a joke. but I can assure you it's not funny. Rape does a number on the victim, regardless of gender, but there is an aspect of our culture that makes it hard and confusing to be male and a rape survivor. No, I didn't know all of this, until I did. Then it took me years to tell the story through my tears for the first time.
Would it surprise you if I said that the church, or rather the broken people in the church, have done more damage to my mind and emotions over the years than those two with the gun and the twisted need for power who taught me that men can be raped? By the time I became a teen I identified more with Isaac than any other Bible character and felt like I had been shredded and left on the altar to die by God and the Christians who claimed to follow Him.
I have been seriously and severely wronged many times, in many ways. And unfortunately I have done serious wrong and damage to others. You can't try to escape your feelings through drugs and alcohol for over 25 years and not leave destruction in your wake. You can't live long ruled, consumed and controlled by anger without it damaging your life and the lives of those around you. Sorry if you've bought into this idea of "healthy anger" being marketed to survivors of shredding and trauma to turn them into victims.
Yeah, I said that. The people encouraging us to get angry and stay angry at the serious wrongs that have been done to us are making us victims all over again. I am a survivor. I am no longer a victim. I stopped being a victim when I learned to forgive, not when I got angry. Anger made me feel less powerless. Anger made me feel in control. Anger made me feel justified to hold a grudge. Anger gave me the excuse to look out for number one and put my own needs and desires before anyone and everyone else. Anger makes us victims and keeps us as such.
When we fuel our life with anger we actually surrender our will and lives over the the people who traumatized us in the first place. They, whether they even have a clue or ever think of us at all, control our actions and reactions to other people, places and things for as long as we refuse to forgive. And you can't forgive and be angry at the same time. If you are angry about a situation or person there is unforgiveness in the mix.. We can't truly surrender and submit to God's will while holding on to our anger or allow the Spirit to control our lives because the monster or monsters alive in our past still hold the reins.
I know it doesn't feel right to consider forgiving those who have truly perpetrated horror and evil upon us. I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY! Are you a Christian? Well, yes. Then no, no I'm sorry but you don't. No matter what's been done to you, no matter how much you didn't deserve it, we don't get to hold onto anger and follow Jesus' example at the same time. We can't. Because no one has ever deserved the damage done to them less than Jesus did, and His response, our example, was to forgive. We are not our own. We belong to God, and it's His job to administer and demand justice.
Anger and unforgiveness make it impossible to heal. They make it impossible for our experience and pain to be recycled and used to help others, because you can't recycle something while you're still using it. According to the Mayo Clinic, refusing to forgive will bring bitterness and resentment into every relationship in our lives and taint every new experience, cause us to stay so wrapped up in the past and that we have been wronged that we can't ever truly or for any length of time enjoy the present, lead to anxiety and depression and remove sense of purpose from life while making it almost impossible to connect with others.
What are the benefits of forgiving someone according to that same well known and secular institution?
Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for happiness, health and peace. Forgiveness can lead to: healthier relationships, greater spiritual and psychological well-being, less anxiety, stress and hostility, lower blood pressure, reduced number and magnitude of symptoms of depression, stronger immune system, improved heart health and higher self-esteem.
That's what world renown medical doctors say. But what does God say? James 1:20 tells us that the anger of people does not bring about the righteousness of God. It doesn't say, except for if you've been raped or beaten or betrayed or or or or...our anger simply does not produce God's righteousness in our lives. Sorry. And Ecclesiastes 7:9 says, "Do not hasten in your spirit to be angry, for anger rests in the bosom of fools." Ouch that one hurt. When I was angry all the time I lived my life as a fool. Colossians 3 tells us to put away anger and wrath. We are told not to let the sun go down on our anger. Ephesians includes malice with the anger and wrath we are to put away. I could go on. The list of verses like the ones I reference here are many.
Jesus told us to pray for those who spitefully use us. The ones who traumatize and victimize us are ones we are instructed and commanded to pray for. Anger and vengeance and righteous indignation are not fruits of, or results of, walking in and by the power of the Holy Spirit (see Galatians 5:22-23). Jesus forgave us all from the cross when none of us deserve it. We are to follow His example. But He doesn't make us do it for a pointless experience.
Forgiveness sets us free. It doesn't excuse what happened but rather makes it possible for God to use it for good and for His glory. Ask Joseph. He was hated by his brothers. They threw him in a pit and left him to die but decided to sell him into slavery instead. As a slave he was falsely accused and convicted of attempted rape and thrown in an Egyptian prison. He made a deal after helping someone close to the Pharaoh that should have got him released, but he was forgotten about and didn't get out for 17 years. His response when he finally saw his brothers who started it all? "But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive."
It wasn't that it was an accident or that no one really meant to hurt him. They meant evil toward Joseph. And there are those who have intended to hurt you and I, to do us evil. We can hold onto our right to be angry and stay sick victims. Or we can forgive, become survivors and be empowered by God to save many people alive through the power of the blood and the word of our testimony.
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