That's when I woke up. I actually woke up grateful this morning. That doesn't happen very often. I have tried to make it a practice to choose gratitude upon waking, but to actually wake with the very first thought being Father, I am grateful for..., that doesn't happen often. This morning it did. I am grateful for the daily and faithful walk of integrity I have seen my father live. I pray for the grace to walk in that way, to live that way. He has been doing it for at least 45 years with no signs of stopping so I would have to live to be well over a hundred to match his time, but since I know his integrity is due to desire to have it and the grace of God to perform it, I know I can have the same quality.
Two things that I have come to realize about integrity. Integrity is the axis that recovery revolves on. God holds recovery in its place, in its orbit. Honesty is the gravity that holds it together. And it revolves on integrity. There can be no life in recovery without integrity. Therefore, if you are in recovery, truly free in any area, from any kind of true bondage, you have developed some integrity, whether you release it or not. It's not a matter of time, but quality. True freedom from the desire to reshackle yourself requires integrity, even if it's only been an hour or a day. For those hours and days to turn into weeks and years the integrity must not only remain but grow.
The second truth I realized regarding integrity is that the past doesn't matter, and the past matters a great deal. I am not writing doublespeak. From my experience, examining the heart for integrity can lead to condemnation quickly. In fact, I woke from the dream I opened this with feeling a failure, feeling as though I have no integrity compared to my father. The Holy Spirit ministered peace to me and showed me that's not true, and since others may be discouraged at the idea of personal integrity I wanted to share this. The problems come from the fact that the only way to show a pattern of integrity is look at the past and from a misunderstanding of what it means to have integrity.
The past matters because integrity is not doing the right thing once, but repeatedly and faithfully. That said however, integrity neither means nor demands perfection. The common understanding that integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching, can lead to thinking that if we ever fail to do the right thing, especially if no one is watching, that we have failed and forfeited integrity. That's not true. The past is washed away in the forgiveness of Christ. We are going to fall short of perfection. In fact, without the grace of God, we have no hope of even appearing to have integrity long, much less actually walk in it. Living in integrity is a perfect example of the principle of progress not perfection.
A couple of years ago I found myself falsely accused of something serious. It cost me my job, and could have been worse, but God proved Himself faithful and squashed it quickly. But in the brief time that how things would turn out hung in the balance multiple people expressed to me and others that they knew I had not done what someone had accused me of. That knowledge came from a demonstration of integrity that I didn't even realize I had. But the truth is that folks who knew me less than 10 years, excluding a few family members, were more quick to dismiss the accusation than folks who have known me longer. And that is because when it comes to integrity, the past does matter.
It's not that you can't ever outlive your past, but that there is some truth to the idea behind you're always 17 in your hometown. If you run and gun without integrity for years and years, there are always going to be people who wonder if you will return to that way of existence. The good news though is that the longer you don't the more dramatic the power of of God to transform and free is displayed. But don't be discouraged if it takes a while for others to see that you have begun to walk in integrity as you learn to walk with God. The simple truth is that the world around you in many cases may see it before you do. That's because it doesn't take too close a look at ones heart to see imperfection and unholiness. The closer I get to God I see that I am a stranger to His holiness, because the more the sin in my life offends my own soul.
A few quick things about what sadly seems to be a lost art, living with integrity, and I'll close. Integrity is more than just doing what is right when no one is looking, although it definitely includes that. It doesn't begin there. It can't. If we try to start there we will find it impossible.
Integrity begins with God and surrender. It is the practice of the spiritual principles that cause spiritual life and growth and access to His grace and power in all of our affairs and in every area of our life. It is essentially the fruit that is born of working the 12th Step. It begins with and comes from putting God's will first and foremost in everything, by grace.
You will, once again fall short and fail to do the above. Integrity doesn't mean you never mess up. But it does mean that when you do you own it. You don't shift blame. You accept responsibility and accept your part in whatever happened. It also means that you do what you can to repair and correct the damage your part caused. Steps 8-10 cover this. Actually it takes a lot of integrity to walk in the principle of promptly admitting it when you are wrong.
Care about how everything you do and say might effect someone else's ability to see the work and love of God and put displaying His light and love above your own desires. The needs of others to be drawn closer to Jesus have to be more important than the needs of self. So care about what others might think. But don't ever let the opinions or perceptions of others cause you to compromise your values or beliefs or determination to do what God has told you to do. Walk with God in the face of any and every pressure to do otherwise, even if it brings ridicule and scorn. In other words, don't worry about what others think. Desire to be a God pleaser first rather than a people pleaser. Do that even when no one else is around, since the God we are living to please is always there, and you will find yourself obedient and doing the right thing even when alone and thus fulfilling that common definition of integrity.
Today let us be thankful for forgiveness that gives us a clean slate in the eyes of God, for the grace to walk in a new way that displays His love, power and glory, and for the fruit of integrity that grows naturally out of walking in His way. Let us remember that if we will strive to do His will in all things and at all times, we will never have to worry ourselves with walking in integrity, even when we fail, because when we walk with God integrity is born.
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"When we walk with God, integrity is born".
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