Logically, what I should feel is panic, anxiety and worry. I can't afford to miss work. My boss quite literally has to shut down the majority of his operation without help, and I'm his help. So if I don't work there's a lot he can't get done. If I miss too much will he replace me? I don't get paid when I don't work. The type of work I do doesn't have sick days and the benefits mainly consist of a cup of coffee from time to tie. It took me months to find this job, and I have little reason to believe that finding another would be quick or easy. Any time that I am not in the process of making my boss happy with my work I should worry about making him dissatisfied. I don't want to fail to step up and do what God has called me to do, but I should be afraid of getting to the church and being too sick to preach and not have given anyone time to prepare. I don't want to make the wife I love so much sick or make her life more difficult. My stomach muscles already hurt from what they've been through over the last two days of being sick, and it makes perfect sense to be worried about and fear the pain that will come should I get sick to my stomach again.
But though it would be logical and make sense to feel anxiety and worry, I don't. I don't feel good, and I don't feel what I would classify as peaceful, but I am not anxious. I will work on tonight and trust that I will be able to get through it, and at the same time I will let someone know there's a possibility that I may need someone to step in. I know it will be OK either way. I do feel a tad better today than I did yesterday, and I am confident that I will be able to return to work tomorrow, but if not it will be OK. My future is in God's hands, not mine and not my boss's. God will provide and care for our needs. And I am not in a state of worry about Leah being sick to her stomach any more than I am worried about her Lupus. I spent some time praying for her and gave it to God. He will either give her healing or give her grace.
When I looked at it, I realized that I do have peace. I am not afraid or anxious. I learned something through this experience. I have said before something that a friend of mine often says, not everything I think and not everything I feel is real. But I never really thought through the corollary, that a lack of feeling also does not define truth. Just because I don't feel an emotion that I would describe as peace doesn't mean that I don't have peace. Sometimes in photography and painting, the negative space, what isn't there, is as important or more important than the rest of the image. Negative space is important in our lives as well. It may be more important to realize the absence of fretting, of worry of fear than it is to feel some emotion that we would call peace.
I share this today to encourage us all to not get hung up on not having an emotion or feelings that we sometimes associate with being where we are supposed to be spiritually. Sometimes it's more about the negative space. Sometimes we can rejoice and take strength from the truth that we are not in the state that we would be in if we were not spiritually well. Have faith, give glory to Him, and just keep going, even when the emotions are lacking.
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