Unshackle Moments ~ January 25 ~ Creep

The band Radiohead sings one of my favorite secular songs. It is, in my opinion, without doubt, the best thing they ever released, although I wouldn't play it in front of my mother or in church. It's PG teen + for language. I wouldn't dare to put words in the mouth of the writer or pretend to know for sure what he meant or why he wrote the song. If you do a search for the meaning behind it, you will learn that there is a universal feeling of pain that broken people are relating to and then the song means different things to different people. They all take it to a personal place, and most have a valid point about why they feel the song means what it does to them.

I was one of the broken people that loved and related to Creep. It felt very personal, as though Albert Hammond looked into my heart and wrote what he saw. I can see the arguments about it being about trying to fit in, to look and be like the image portrayed by media in society, and anorexia. The love gone bad theories, and the effects of time on relationships. I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong. Like art, it means what it means to people because it invokes a response within. That's what makes it great. I used to relate because of my own individual brokenness, Now it reminds of where I used to be and have been brought out of. I still love the song. But recently I heard it, and it hit me that what made this song sad is also what brings me joy today.

When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye ...

chorus

I wish I was special 

You're so {written radio edit}' special 

 But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo 

What the hell am I doing here? 

I don't belong here 

I don't care if it hurts 

I want to have control I want a perfect body 

I want a perfect soul 

I want you to notice 

chorus

Whatever makes you happy 

Whatever you want 

chorus

That, as some know I am sure, are not all the lyrics, but the ones I related to most, the ones I see being fulfilled. I remember years of feeling alone in the middle of a crowd. I wanted to be special, to feel special, not like the freak that I had come to believe I was but as one highly valued. I always feared that if anyone knew the real me and what went on inside me, they could never accept me or love me. The smart ones would run away. My life felt out of control, and I dreamed and fantasized about having control of my self and the world around me, of feeling powerful and safe. I wanted to live up to expectations and stop failing and feeling like a failure. And I would do whatever helped me feel better and escape the emptiness and pain, no matter how much it hurt me.

The places I went trying to fill the God-shaped hole in my heart with anything and everything besides God were ugly and deadly and heartbreaking. And while I know this song wasn't written about God and that this was not the writer's intent, I came to a place of surrender where I cried out to my Heavenly Daddy and decided that I no longer needed control if someone else had to be in control to fix things and give me the rest. I wanted to be free. I told God sincerely Whatever makes You happy. Whatever You want.

My life changed. The transformation from the creep, the weirdo, the caterpillar, into the beautiful butterfly, the perfect, righteous, child of God began to show in my life. I am no longer ashamed of who and what I am. I can look people in the eye again. I can hold my head up. I can look the God of all creation in the eye. I don't sit in fear of every good situation and relationship falling apart, because I am not pretending to be someone I'm not, I'm not trying to force myself into a mold. I don't fear that  the truth that I don't belong will be discovered. I do belong. I'm not perfect or beautiful like God. But He's making me into someone like Him. No matter who does or doesn't value me in my life, my Creator highly values me. I don't deserve to be in relationship with Him or with any of the people He's brought into my life, but that's where I belong. I don't have a perfect body or a perfect soul, but one day, on the other side of eternity, I will. People may still come and go, they may still run away, but God will never leave me, forsake me or reject me. He set me free from the chains, addictions and the need to fit in and have approval from others at any cost. He can and will do the same for you if you let Him. I may still have a touch of the weirdo within, but the creep is dead and gone. In His place is a unique and beautiful child of God, and I know what I'm doing here. There is a solution.

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