Unshackled Moments ~ May 12 ~ The Good Side Of Bad

I have something wrong with my eyes that has caused my vision to worsen greatly from better than 20*20 to barely able to function in about ten years. And it's getting worse, dramatically so in the last few months. In addition to that, as if that weren't bad enough, from time to time there is, in one eye or the other, inflammation that causes pressure build up that causes blood vessels to burst, pain and extreme light sensitivity. Evidently each episode also causes scar tissue that in turn worsens my vision. None of the doctors I have seen have been able to tell what is going on or why. A few months ago during my last eye exam, the optometrist told me he wouldn't give me a stronger prescription for glasses because it wouldn't help. He said the problem is surgical, although he didn't know what it was, and  told me to see an ophthalmologist.

It took a while, but I finally got the referral and an appointment set. It was supposed to be this afternoon, actually. Two days ago I had the start of one of the worst flair ups I've had in probably seven years or more. So much pain that it made me nauseous and made it difficult to think. I couldn't see enough to read and spent most of yesterday with all the lights in the house off. I wasn't able to preach last night. I was incapacitated by eye lack of vision and pain.

I had a lot of people praying for me, especially my wonderful wife, but things seemed to increasingly get worse. It felt like and looked like God was ignoring our cries, indifferent to my suffering, leaving me hurting and unable to do anything. But sometimes what it looks like isn't what is. Sometimes we need bad to get to the good. There is sometimes a good side of bad. Leah called the doctor's office. and, because of the pain and situation, my appointment was moved to yesterday afternoon. I saw the doctor a day early. Then because I was in the middle of one of the worst flair ups in years, I didn't have to try to explain the symptoms. They were obvious. He could see exactly what has been happening. Finally, I have a diagnosis and have begun treatment. I will most likely have to have surgery, but there is a plan that should save my vision. This pain will soon be a memory, and, at the very least, my vision should stop getting worse without new scar tissue. That, in and of itself. would be enough tor celebration. But there is hope for so much more.

I didn't get the relief I wanted. I am still in pain, and it's taken about an hour to write this little bit because I can't see well and have to keep looking away from the screen until my eye stops hurting before I can continue for a few seconds. I could easily feel a little like George Bailey and think I got more pain in answer to prayer. But what I got was what was needed for someone to finally understand what disease has caused a decade long problem. If given the choice I would much prefer one last bad flair up and a diagnosis over who knows how much longer for the doctor to figure out the issue with less pain but things continuing to worsen in the meantime. But I didn't have the choice. God didn't say, Dalyn, I'm going to let this happen so that something good can come out of it.  I could have gotten upset. I could have felt deserted by God in the time of need and therefore justified in taking care of my pain and discomfort with drugs or alcohol. One more flair up of the if God won't stop my suffering, I will syndrome that has been the story of my past. Or I could put my trust in the truth that God is good, even when it doesn't feel like it and pray for the grace to endure, have peace and continue to trust and obey.

I have often failed under such conditions, but this time I trusted. The fear didn't overwhelm me. In fact I felt assured that treatment would come. I endured the pain with nothing stronger than Tylenol, which in all truth didn't do much. I didn't run from God or get angry. The situation is not much better. The drops haven't done much yet. I am still hurting and having more trouble than usual seeing. But I have an understanding I didn't have before. I have hope that I didn't have before. This time I was able to see the good side of bad and be thankful for the very flair up that is causing so much pain and inconvenience.

Sometimes God works wonders in the midst of unanswered prayers. Let us pray to learn to trust when we are going through the Valley of Shadows, to allow the suffering to take us closer to God and cultivate something wonderful and special that we might not ever be able to see come to  be without the seeds of suffering, and let us pray for the grace to see the good side of the bad.

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