Shame tells us that we will never overcome the obstacles and the destruction of the past. that the scars from wars long over will never fade. We will never outlive our mistakes, we will never be quite good enough or forgiven enough or successful enough or called of God enough to make up for all the shortcomings and horrors that make up our mental mirror reflection. Lies designed to either distract and drive us to stay focused on proving to ourselves and others that we have value or make us give up. Perhaps we yo-yo between giving up and overdrive, but in both cases we are not concentrating on who God is, who we are to Him and in Him, or our service to Him.
Be careful before you dismiss the idea of the shackles of shame. There is a flip side to that coin. The heads to shame's tails is pride. We get sucked into the lie that our accomplishments and our efforts or something about the way we look, act, or are, make us worthy. The past shouldn't matter because of what we've done since. The past isn't as bad as the good we've done. We have value because we have....because we help others in such and such a way...because we serve God by.......
Pride and shame, twin lies that cause us to look at the wrong places for our value and significance. Looking for worth in all the wrong places is as much a mistake as looking for love in those places. Our worth is not in somehow overcoming the past. It's also not destroyed and unrecoverable by anything we have done. Our worth is not in our job or taking care of our responsibilities, or in being a good father, mother, daughter, son, brother, sister or even friend. It is not in charity work or success in ministry or philanthropy or anything...not a single thing we do or have done determines our value, except....
Do we accept the Appraiser's declaration of our worth? Our value and our significance is determined by the One who made us and forgave us and restored us. He has made us new. He has made us worthy. He has made us clean and righteous. He said we have value and worthiness. even before we answer the call to come to Him. It's now in relationship with Him that we find the beauty and wonder of a life worth living and of value.
The team of shame and pride come at us to make us strive to prove our worth to God, to people and to ourselves. We try to hide, mask and outshine our mistakes, we try to out perform and outserve our humanness. In the meantime we are bombarded by lies that say we have no right to speak, serve minister or otherwise answer the call of God on our lives because we have done the unforgivable, or flip that and we believe we have proved our own worth because we have overcome the great mountain of obstacles to build or do something great. We are never satisfied with how we look, sound, move or anything physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually or we over esteem our part in our worth.
I have a reminder of both sides of that coin. Today is my sobriety anniversary, my un-bellybutton birthday of six years clean and sober. That's the sort of thing that could open me up to the lies of pride. I am grateful for it, but I also know that it was not I who accomplished this thing but He who lives within me and gave me access to power I do not have on my own. This mile marker is a gift of grace and does not determine my value and worth.
But today is more than my recovery birthday. Fifteen years ago today I stood in court and plead guilty to a felony. Mistakes made finally caught up with me, and life as I knew it up to that point was gone forever. The very convincing lies of shame say that is a stain that can never be cleaned or covered up. The consequences can never be outlived. It will forever be a hindrance and lowers my worth and value. my worth and my ability to be used of God and care for my family and be a good husband, son, brother.....
The pride and the shame are both lies and distractions. My value and worth are not increased by my sobriety, which is not due to my accomplishments or ability or strength anyway. It is a gift of grace given that I can help others and show His love, power and glory. That same purpose for the same grace covers the crimes of my past, even the ones that never saw a courtroom. My value is not lowered by my sin or my shame. Neither is yours.
Our value, our worth and significance is not based on our self-esteem or estimation or appraisal of our self. Neither is it determined or truly effected by any other person's ideas or beliefs about us. It is based on the esteem we have in the eyes of our Creator. He says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. He says we are worth and loved so much that He came and died and took our place, paid our debt. He alone is worthy on merit, but He gave us His worthiness. Nothing we have done, ever, can devalue us in His eyes, nor can anything we can do, other than surrender and accept His free gift of grace, increase our worth or significance.
Today let us not fall into the trap of trying to raise or establish our own self-esteem. Screw self-esteem. Self-esteem is never the answer. It is always too high or too low. Even if we manage to get it right, it is still too based on self. Let us look to understand and live by our God-esteem. When we live in that place where our value, worth and abilities are all rooted in who He says we are, what He says we are and what He says He can do in and through us, we will no longer be shackled and held back by either shame or pride.
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