It's so hard not to judge my insides by the outsides of others. I come across people that seem to have it all together, that seem so strong and able, and all I see is my struggle, my weakness and insufficiency and that looming question of will I ever feel like I have it all together, where I am not a misstep or an accident away from unraveling and coming apart? There are still areas after all these years in recovery, after all the time walking with God and in the ministry, where I feel less than. Less than confident. Less than an overcomer. Less than victorious. Less than able. Less than strong. Weak.
Maybe you can relate, Dear Reader, and if you can, perhaps you can also relate to the disappointment and frustration. My weakness frustrates and shames me. I determine to do this or that, to improve something in my life, resign myself to be more loving in certain areas or to break this or that bad habit, and then time after time I find my resolution meaningless. In weeks, often days, sometimes even hours or minutes, I find myself reacting in the same old ways, doing the same old things, slipping back from whatever ground I thought I'd gained, losing the fight once again. Those things I hate, that is what I do. Those things I long to do and be, that is what I am too weak to do. But I know that my inability to change is no reason to resign myself to the status quo. I have evidence that I can be changed, that every area of my life can be made new. I just can't do it myself. The miracle of my sobriety proves it.
Sometimes I get so tired of trying and failing, of feeling week and unable to change. But I have come to see that these times are the best of times. They are the place where will and self reliance are finally defeated and transformation begins. I'm not writing at the moment of our big issues, our bondage and addictions, the problems with drink, drug, food, spending, sex, gambling and or whatever else that were so huge we could give up on self reliance and surrender to Daddy lest we lose all and die.
But even in recovery we can slip into that mistake of thinking we need to surrender and rely on God's power for those big things, but fall for the lie that we need to handle the rest. We need to be determined and self reliant and change ourselves with the other things. Things like a temper that flares up all too quickly and easily, insecurity that eats away at us like an emotional cancer, like a tongue too sharp and cutting and quick to condemn and curse rather than bless and uplift, like a mind too often set on manipulation to try to control others and get what we want, even with God, all these areas and more can seem like minor character defects that we need to take responsibility to control and change. Then comes the devastating truth that these areas of self are no different from the big deals, we are insufficient, we can not trust in self reliance. We are weak.
But here is some hope spoken into your areas of weakness. Whatever it is, it is OK. You don't have to know how to fix it. You don't have to figure out how to increase self discipline or will or determination. You don't have to have all the answers. You can pray without having to make suggestions to God, without telling Daddy how to fix it. It's even OK to be so whipped and defeated that you don't even have any words to pray. Here are some promises and words from the Spirit right to the broken places of weakness in our souls and lives.
There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
- Romans 8:1
You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit.
- Romans 8:9a
If God is for us, who can be against us?
- Romans 8:31b
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.
- Romans 8:37
We don't have to figure out how to do it, how to be strong enough. We don't have to be able. And it doesn't matter how many times and in how many ways that we have tried and failed. We can get still and quiet and meditate on the promises and truth that we are forgiven, we are not being condemned, that Daddy loves us and wants to and will help us. We can get quiet without the bondage of self condemnation and without the confusion of attempting to solve the problem. We can rest in the assurance that the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness.
Daddy knows what we need before we ask, even before we know. Jesus intercedes on our behalf and did everything necessary for us to access the throne of grace and receive the power to walk according to the will of Daddy. The Spirit knows what to pray and understands our weaknesses. These weaknesses are more than defects, more than areas of failures. They are the things that will take us closer to Daddy and deeper in relationship with Him, if we let them instigate our turning to Him rather than push us into isolation or simply make us try harder. They are the things that show us and others the glory and power of God as He does for us what only He can do. He wants to heal us and give us victory. It brings us closer to Him and teaches us to reject self sufficiency and lean on Him. There is a purpose to this weak place. As horrible and terrible as it may feel and seem, we can trust that even our shortcoming and weaknesses will work for our good (Romans 8:28).
In the stillness of awareness of the presence of the Spirit, we can commune with Him. We can be silent and rest as our spirit agrees with the prayer of the Spirit on our behalf, while Jesus intercedes and fights for us and while Daddy, in His great love for us, provides all that we need. We can simply soak in the truth and feel hope arise as we receive the grace (undeserved and unearned kindness towards us mixed with the power of God to do for us what we will never have the power to do on our own) needed to rise up and go from that moment of quiet prayer with His power covering our weaknesses. God is holding us at this moment, in every moment of weakness, and He doesn't even have to stain to be enough to make the difference and be all that we need.
We are weak. Too weak. But that's not bad news. That is great news! Why? Because we have a loving Daddy who is not going to demand of us what He knows we can not do. Instead, because we are unable, we are relieved of the responsibility and given everything, all the resources, all the power, everything, that is needed to do what we need to do. He changes us. The Spirit transforms us. We don't have to fix ourselves, change ourselves, clean ourselves up or strengthen ourselves. Only He can do those things, and He will, if we let go of the responsibility and release the self reliance and turn those areas, every area of weakness, big and small, over to His care. We let Him remove those character defects, let Him strengthen up our areas of weakness, we let Him fight those battles on our behalf. We will never be sufficient. And that is OK. Because He and His grace is.
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
- 2 Corinthians 12:9a
Today, instead of wallowing in self pity and self condemnation over our inability to change ourselves and defeat our own weakness, let us surrender to the Spirit and let Him pray for us and empower us and be our strength. Let us go through our day completely reliant upon His strength and power.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
- 2 Corinthians 12:10b
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