Caffeine doesn't count. I know that. There's a coffee pot with free brew on hand at every recovery meeting I have ever been to, regardless of the substance being dealt with or the type of recovery. Even churches often have coffee going for fellowship and study events. Coffee does not count as breaking sobriety. I hear everyone yelling. Relax. I agree. But the question is why doesn't it count?
Caffeine is a drug.Seriously, it is. And as I pour the last cup of the half a pot I started with this morning, I will be rigorously honest enough to admit that it changes the way I feel and behave. Let's all agree that it's no secret that it alters us. There are too many joke mugs and shirts and memes about don't talk to me before the coffee cup is emptied at least once. Things that proudly proclaim we coffee addicts don't function well until proper levels of intake have been reached. And my wife and I just spent five nights in Florida for less than the cost of one cup of coffee a day from Starbucks or Duncan Donuts would cost in 10 months, according to the national average of $3.25 per cup. Obviously that's for coffee. If you drink lattes, cappuccinos, espressos, etc. the price goes up.
Ah, but it's not a real addiction. Yes, yes it is. How many people do you know, are is it you, who if they have not had their regular caffeine intake obsess over it? How many times does someone have to tell you that they can't wait until break to get that soda at work or how many jokes about don't mess with me, I haven't had enough coffee today do we have to say or hear before we realize that we obsess over it when we haven't had it? My frequent admission is that I have way too much blood in my caffeine system. Ever hear of caffeine headaches? Ever had one? That's a withdrawal symptom. Or an overdose. Those are the two most common causes of caffeine headache.
I just poured another cup from another pot. I drink a lot of coffee. A lot. I average at least a 12-cup pot a day. Maybe I should cut back. Nah. I don't drink Starbucks or even McDonald's Cafe often for the same reason I didn't like bars as a drunk. I could buy a fifth for what a few drinks at the bar would cost when drinking alcohol, and now, I can buy 2 lbs of coffee for less than three days of drive through convenience. Plus a LARGE is too small, way too small. I do stop at a convenience store on Sunday mornings and get a 44 oz cup, but it costs me only a little over $5 a month. Of Course, that's four cups of coffee for what would be many pots of brew my own. It's ridiculous isn't it?
I mean this whole conversation, rant, whatever this is. It's ridiculous. I pray that you don't feel you have wasted your time reading this far. I also hope that you are not afraid that I going to be one of those people who start saying things like if you're going to to claim to be clean and sober out down the coffee and cigarette. Nicotine is a drug too. I'm also not going to tell most of us in recovery to stop using caffeine. Nor do I intend at this time to quit myself. I also do indeed consider myself clean and sober, despite a daily intake of a drug in what is considered large quantities. even though I understand and readily admit to my addiction. I stopped on the way to the airport last week and bought caffeine tablets to stave off withdrawal symptoms because I knew I would not be drinking my normal amount of coffee a day. There is a point to all of this that is not ridiculous.
Few, if any (I've never met anyone), truly claims to be free of all addictive substances (by the way, refined sugar is also addictive) or says that we have to abstain from all of them to be clean and sober. Caffeine addiction is real. I have seen a grown man get on his knees and scrub the floor of another man's cell with a soapy rag to earn enough to purchase one bag of instant coffee, and broke men stroll daily down rows of cells begging for a shot of coffee from their fellow inmates. I don't think anyone really wants to try to argue against caffeine being an addictive drug. So why doesn't it count against us? Why isn't jonesing for a cup of Joe seen as junkie behavior? Why isn't a pot of Folgers Black Silk relapse?
Well, I never broke into anyone's house to steal things to sell for coffee. Me either. But then I didn't do that for alcohol either. Caffeine isn't illegal (of course alcohol isn't either). Caffeine doesn't impair you. Actually, that one isn't entirely true. Caffeine often triggers the body's natural fight or flight response, increasing heart rate, adrenaline and other stress hormones, which is why panic attacks can be a side effect of large caffeine intake. How many people truly believe that riding all day on the edge of panic doesn't effect or impair judgment at all? Nah, not one bit. It doesn't make my life unmanageable. Withdrawal does. Being a jerk to coworkers and fellow drivers because of lack of caffeine means your addiction is keeping you from managing your life well and shows how little control over your attitude, behavior and self focused thinking you have before the need is gone and satisfactory amounts of caffeine have been consumed. Well, if I had to choose between buying food or buying caffeine I'd buy food. That's a good one. But is it true? Rigorous honesty? It's a half truth for me. A week of food, I'd buy food. A day? I'd have to think about it. I think I'd be less uncomfortable going a day without food than a day without coffee. A single meal? I take mine black, thank you. I'm not trying to escape or change perception of reality with caffeine. That one may be valid, although I would argue that we caffeine junkies are effecting our ability, or at least our perception of our ability, to cope with the stress of reality, which would probably count. I mean have you ever thought I haven't had enough caffeine to deal with you, them, this, that...? I'm not trying to replace God with caffeine. Caffeine is not a poor filling for the God-shaped hole in my soul.
By Jove, I think we've got it! I have one friend, one, to whom I have suggested cutting caffeine completely. Total abstinence. He's a binge drinker. Seriously. He'll go weeks without caffeine and then binge on enough energy drinks to make me feel sick and my heart to race just from thinking about it. He is the only person I have ever known who readily admits to trying to have a spiritual experience with caffeine, and he's also the only person I have known who I would say caffeine intake is relapse. He also agrees with me, by the way. It's the spiritual aspect.
When I have a bad day, I turn to Daddy. I don't think I just really need a cup of coffee, assuming I have had some. If I am in withdrawals I may feel the need to pray and pour a cup. When I am feeling a spiritual need I can't meet, I turn to God to fill it. My solution is not more caffeine. Caffeine does not interfere with my ability nor my desire to seek deeper relationship with Daddy like alcohol or cocaine or.... It's not about negative consequences. There are plenty of drugs I wouldn't take today I never had negative experiences with. And let's face it, I never had any serious negative consequences with the rest until I did. It's not like I got high and went to prison. I drank and drugged for years before I was arrested the first time, and I was never arrested for drugs. It's not about the consequences or the cost or the lack of them. It's about the relationship with Daddy.
I follow sports. Avidly. My wife would probably say I am addicted. But I don't let it interfere with my relationship with her or Daddy. If I get to the place where I can't go through Sunday morning service without checking the scores, then I will have to pray about cutting that. Skipping church to watch a football game would be a much bigger danger and spiritual issue for me than a pot of coffee. And that's my point. We all have addictions. We all have things that change the way we feel or that we use to escape. Calgon, take me away. Some people read, some people watch TV and movies, some hunt or fish or follow sports or exercise, or nap or munch or play with a pet or....we all have things we do to unwind and escape or help release the stress of life and reality. I just need to relax. What came to mind? What do we do to chill and relax? I have never known anyone who answered that question with pray. So we all have these things. Most of us also have at least one something that changes the way we feel, whether chemically or not. Caffeine, sugar, nicotine, listening to music, cuddling....
Yes, I said cuddling. Leah and I didn't spend nearly our normal amount of just cuddling and spending time alone together during our week in Florida. I am so grateful that we got to go and spend that time with my stepdaughter. I wouldn't have missed it, and I am looking forward to doing it again. But I still missed that time with Leah. The day after we got home I spent much of the day with my arms around her. I felt the tension leaving my body. I felt a contentment and comfort I hadn't even realized was gone. I felt happy. I felt right. Right. That's the word. and it's one that I used to use with drugs. When I was off because I need a fix, I would often say I just need to get right. I need my cuddle time with my wife.
We have these things, some of them are indeed addictions, that are not a problem, are not relapse. Some of us have even taken prescription drugs in recovery for legitimate need without abusing or misusing them, like I did after surgery and after a motorcycle wreck. Drugs that to take under other circumstances and reasons and ways would be a relapse and we'd be running and gunning shortly thereafter. What's the difference? It's NOT the substance or the activity. I have had drugs in recovery that I used to take for fun without wanting more than the doctor gave, without going crazy and without missing one single bit after the purpose was done. In fact, in every case with pain killers I have quit them before I was out because they were no longer necessary. These are some of the same chemicals I was chained to at one time. The issue is not the substance. The issue is the spirit.
If I begin using caffeine to fill the space that should be filled with God, if I am spending time with coffee to replace or instead of time with Daddy, if I try to meet my spiritual needs with caffeine, or if God tells me to, I will do what I did with other addictions and lay it aside, by the power and grace of God, and look to Him for the ability to do so and as the answer to the lack. But until then, I'll enjoy my coffee. And my sports. And my motorcycle rides that make me feel calm and free and.... And I'll partake of my pipe with my custom tobacco blends while I pray and review my day.
Let us never forget that addiction wasn't the problem. It was the symptom. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, sex, porn and other things that we who have been in the bondage of addiction have tried to kill ourselves slowly while destroying every aspect of our lives with, those are all symptoms. They were what we were doing to try to self medicate our spiritual sickness. They were our substitute for relationship with God. If you have something that is a substitute for time and closeness with Daddy, I don't care if it's only the apple a day that keeps the doctor away or if you don't have time to spend with Daddy because you can't stay off social media or ESPN for more than five minutes, that's an issue. You've got a problem. If you can drink alcohol in moderation without it getting in the way of God, then you don't have an alcohol problem. Put down the phone and Facebook, have a drink and a nice day with Daddy.
If we get caught up on definitions and lists of activities and substances that are or are not OK, we will miss the point. What is OK for me may not be OK for you. And vice versa. What is perfectly fine for 99.9% of the world may be a problem for you or me. Don't worry about the label. Here you go, does what I am doing interfere with my ability to get close to God or hamper my ability to love God and love others? Does it hinder someone else's ability to have relationship with God? No? Then with thanksgiving to God for the pleasures in life and the freedom to enjoy them, go for it. Yes? Then turn that area over to God and abstain. That's the test. It's not about the substance or really even if it's addictive or not. Some people are truly addicted to chewing gum. But it doesn't keep them from Daddy. The only law is love. Love God and love others. Any thing, substance, activity or being that gets in the way of that is sin for us. Whatever doesn't interfere with that directive is OK. And whatever increases the love for God in us and our love for others is a do more of. Got it? Good.
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