It's a little more complicated than that though. When we decide to cut bait and cast for a success story we may be doing effective triage, stepping over one of the dying to reach another who can be saved. On the other hand though, we may be simply being selfish, unwilling to pour more of ourselves out without seeing a return on our investment. Sometimes it really does feel like we're wasting time with people who aren't listening and are never going to get it. This has been on my heart lately as I see the situation playing out, wondering what can be done.
I saw a young man the other day bravely walk back into a group of people he had hurt and wronged, and I prayed that he would be accepted and loved and that no one had completely given up on him. At the same time, there are several people in my own life with whom I have poured a lot of time and energy into trying to help who still just aren't getting it. Sometimes it seems as though they aren't even trying, and my experience says they are heading for the grave or a cage. Do I reach out even more, pour more into their lives or do I move on and let them go? According to t he advice I was given early on we can't afford to ignore the importance of triage. To waste time and effort on the ones who will die anyway means we won't get to some we could save, and we get so frustrated, discouraged and bitter that we lose the ability to truly care.
Then this morning, I read this:
Jesus’ call on our life is so important that to be true to his mission means guarding our time, souls and energy from “toxic people” who will never change and who will drain us and destroy us. It isn’t based on psychological health as much as it is on guarding our spiritual mission and purpose. If Satan can soak up your ability to care and love by distracting you with toxic people who will never change, he can cleverly make you less effective and have less of an impact.
And I am so grateful that I read it, because it slapped me in the face and woke me up a bit. Before I go on, I want to make it very clear that this is all I read. I have not read the book it is from and can not say if the author agrees or disagrees with my response to the statement. It is out of context, and I understand that. So, I am not saying the author is wrong, just as I am not going to say that those people who have walked this path before me and gave me the triage advice are wrong. They not, and this statement is not wrong in and of itself. Here is what I am going to say, right or wrong, I am not qualified to do the triage, to make the call, to accurately evaluate who will never change and who will, who will get it and who won't, who is a waste of my time and service and who is not. Oh, and I firmly believe this, Dear Reader, neither are you.
No matter how much evidence we have, what results we do or do not see, we can not see into the heart and soul of another person, nor can we see the future. Shoot, without some help from the Holy Spirit, we can't even get an honest and complete look at out own heart and soul, much less someone else's. I drank and drugged through a quarter of a century, and my early recovery was severely hampered by repeated relapses. A man named Duke, who has since passed, encouraged me one night when I heard many people saying that I was hopeless and wasn't going to get it. His encouragement was his own story of how it took him five years to get his first year clean and sober. He was a long-sober man at the time he helped me and someone many looked up to. What if he had been given up on after the first four years of refusing to receive the help being offered? We might have both been lost, and who knows how many others he helped over the years as well?
And I can't help but think of my father. I witnessed him giving year after year, pouring his heart and time and prayers and counsel into the lives of plenty of people everyone else seemed to give up on. One of those broken people became a dear friend of mine who shone like the sun when she smiled. For over a decade I would have sworn she was incapable of smiling and she'd never find freedom and joy. But she did. Some took years, but the change did come. And yes, there are some that decades later it seems as though they will never get it. I would have given up on them all. But my father never did, and many have found restoration and recovery and relationship with Jesus.
There are three things to keep in mind when trying to do spiritual triage in someone else's life. It is true that wasting time with the wrong people can hinder and harm us, and is a waste of our resources, not the least of which is time. We never have enough time to help all the people who need it or who are on our heart. But the first thing to remember is that we are the instrument and the tool, not the physician. The blood pressure cuff and the stethoscope can't do triage or tell if anyone will live or die. The doctor uses the tools and makes the call. It is the Holy Spirit who is qualified to do triage, not us. I have seen men I would have sworn had gotten it and would make it go back out, destroy their families and their lives. Some of those made it back. Some died out there. I had no idea which would be which, but God wasn't surprised. I've seen people I thought would never change find freedom and joy and a life worth living, myself included. I couldn't even do accurate triage on myself.
The second thing is that helping others, service, and ministry (having a cup of coffee and lending an ear to a friend in need and then praying with them is ministry - you don't have to preach to minister) is not about us. It's about them. And it's about Him. We serve Him. And we serve them. So, maybe the frustration and discouragement wouldn't be as much of a problem if we would stay out of it. It's not me they're refusing to listen to. It's not me they're rejecting. At least not if I am doing my part and letting the Holy Spirit guide my words and deeds as I serve. And if I truly declare Daddy I am Yours to do with as You please to help others and bring You glory and I am doing the ministry He has called me to, then it's not my time and resources that are being wasted. They're His. We must remember that we are not management. We could not manage our own lives, control our own carnal nature and break our own chains, so we surrendered our will and lives to His care. He is management. We are the workers. We don't make command decisions.
Finally, it's not so much about who is a lost cause and who isn't. I could be helping someone who is soaking it up like a sponge and will be a great success story and still be wrong. Maybe God had someone else in mind to help them, someone who needed to help them. Maybe they could be helped by someone else, but while I'm helping them, someone who could only be helped by me is dying. Maybe someone won't ever get it with me. But that doesn't mean that they won't get it with someone else. Some plant seeds that others harvest. Maybe we're just not compatible and the seeds aren't even sinking in. They need someone else. But that doesn't mean that they won't ever get it or that they are toxic and will never change. We're all toxic people. None of us will ever change significantly for the better on our own. But with God, even the worst hazardous waste can be purified. And maybe we'll give into someone for forty years and never see results. If that is how the Manager wants us to use our work time, then so be it. Because that may be the person we are helping for us, to remind us that is is about Him and them, not us, to remind us to obey, even when we don't see results, to keep us doing what we have been called to do, love God and love others, and leave the results up to Him.
There are times when we need to move on and let people go. There are times when they will receive from others and can't because they have been set free from us yet. There are times someone needs to go hurt a little more before they can surrender. There are times we need to keep pouring water into the hole that never seems to fill up, because years later there will be a deep well that will never run dry. There are times when we see the perfect match and a sure success that we are not called to be the hand, and other times we are blessed with someone who responds to what we are offering as if it were a match made in heaven. But the simple truth is that we don't and can't know which of those is which. Not ourselves. Who do we try to help? Those the Holy Spirit directs us to For how long? Until He says stop. When we approach it like that, we stay out of the way and triage can be accurately conducted.
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