Unshackled Moments ~ January 8, 2018 ~ Just Not Feeling It

I am about two hours into the morning, and I feel I have accomplished little. That sentence is the first thing that I have written this morning on a day when I have much to do and little time to do it, I should be done with today's Moment by now, not barely starting it. Now, despite how it feels, I haven't wasted the morning. I have already given the horses their first serving of hay and broken the ice on all the outside animals' water. I have completed all my morning reading and also accidentally found a book that I want to read with Leah. I also discovered a song that I like. I shared it with Leah, and it turns out she is familiar with it and loves it. Sometimes I'm a little late to the party. I have a load of laundry going. So I've at least made a start on the housework that I seriously need to get done today.

But I haven't gotten done what I feel I need to have gotten done by this time, nor what I wanted to. And part of that is I don't really want to. I want to have completed my devotions, reading and writing for the day by about an hour ago. I want to have completed the first load of laundry and the dishes already. But most of all, I still want to be in bed. I do not feel well. And that, as is often the case when I feel ill, means that the really really true want is that I don't want to do anything besides stay in bed and alternate between sleep, reading and watching some TV or going on a Facebook/YouTube binge. I don't have time to be sick, and there is too much to do to be self-indulgent and lazy. I am not sick enough to truly excuse staying in bed, but more than enough to kill my motivation. I'm just not feeling productive or ministry minded right now.

It happens. Sometimes we're on when it comes to responsibility, service and such. Sometimes we're off or unable. Both of those are somewhat easy, or at least understandable. When I'm on, the love, compassion and desire to serve and give and be productive are flowing, making it easy to do what needs to be done. When I am completely off, such as when too sick to function, I can relax and try to recover. But those middle moments, when I am not on or wanting to or feeling like doing what needs to be done but do not have a good reason not to be responsible and of service, those are the tough times for me. The selfish me is the me that runs totally on feelings. I have quit jobs in the past over being upset with someone or simply disliking the job and not caring about the future, my responsibilities or even how I would pay for my drinking and drugging without a job. I felt like quitting, so I did. I didn't feel like going to work, so I didn't. I didn't feel like being there for a friend in need, so I wasn't. Even as a child I would at times blow off my friends to stay inside and read or watch TV, often lying and telling them my mom told me I couldn't go outside and play so that they wouldn't be upset with me or realize the truth that I just didn't feel like playing with them. If they knew that, they may not want to be around me when I did feel like hanging out with them, and that would be unacceptable. My friends were supporting cast for me, to be there when I wanted them and to leave me alone when I didn't. I didn't become a selfish jerk when I became a drunk and addict. I already was one.

That old selfish nature is still haunting me. So, when I don't feel like helping someone, it makes it hard to go do it, or I feel put out. If I don't feel like writing, making the words flow feels a lot like breaking ice. It takes a lot of work and the splash back is wet and cold and uncomfortable as can be before the barrier is gone and things begin to resemble the liquid water of a warm, sunny day. When I hurt and feel achy all over, the desire for a clean house drops way down on my list of things I care about. When I don't feel well, whether that be emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually, that impulse to blow off what needs to be done, to neglect the needs of others and to wallow in self indulgence is stronger and harder to resist. That is why I can't live based on feelings.

I don't just love my wife when I feel overwhelmed by how awesome and beautiful she is, which thankfully is the majority of the time. I am grateful that even after years I am still stunned by her in so many ways. I don't just love God when I can feel His presence. I don't only help others or try to be a decent friend when I am feeling social and hospitable. I don't only write and preach when I feel inspired and prepared. Part of good recovery is responsibility. I'm not really talking about responsibility as in duty, although it feels like that sometimes. I am thinking more along the lines of being responsible to myself. I need to selfishly fight my own selfish instincts to isolate, to let things that need to be done go, to blow off people and work, to only seek to serve and draw near to God when I'm in trouble or feel His presence and my own spirituality. The truth is that what I want overall, is to be happy and free. I want to be loved and to love others. I want to be of maximum service to God and others. I want to make my wife happy and demonstrate how much I love her and how important she is to me. I want to be a part of Daddy's desire and plan to draw people deeper into relationship with Him and to set them free.

These wants and desires, and more, are things that come from loving God and loving others, from sacrificing selfishness and self-centered behavior. But they are also in my own selfish interests. They are what make me happiest, bring contentment and satisfaction, keep me free and make life worth living. The fleeting feelings that I don't feel like doing something, that God is not near or doesn't care because I can't see or feel His hand on my life, that nothing matters beyond myself at this moment, not even my self of tomorrow, can not rule my life and my choices, because they will lead to more misery later than satisfaction now. Not everything I feel is real nor worthy of being a guiding or controlling motivation for life.

In recovery, in service, in work, in relationships, in life in general, it's awfully nice to feel what you're going on, but we can't go on what we feel. Sometimes we do have to get out of bed and wash the dirty dishes in the sink, even if we feel like I can buy more paper plates. Sometimes we do have to turn off the TV and talk to someone on the phone who needs our experience, strength and hope. Sometimes we do have to just do the work, even when it's not inspired, it's not fun or we're not feeling it. Sometimes we need to put what will make others happy, what will make us happier tomorrow, over what we feel would make us happy now. That truth, the truth that keeps me turning to the Spirit for the power to choose to stay free on the rare occasions when the temptation to drink or drug returns momentarily, is the same truth that has keeps me going, working and serving during those middle moments when I can but just don't want to.

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