We know intrinsically that we don't have the power or the right to forgive ourselves of most of the things that bring guilt and shame and condemnation. If you owe me a hundred dollars, I can forgive that debt. It is in my power to do so, because you owe me. I can simply say that I release you from it and do without the money. If I determine to set aside a hundred dollars to buy something for myself and fail to reach the goal, then the person I didn't come through for is me. I can let that go as well. I can either try again or decide that I must not have wanted to buy whatever it was after all and let that go. But if I owe you a hundred dollars, I have no right or power to forgive that debt. For me to say I don't owe you anymore without paying is a lie. To say that I shouldn't have to pay you because you haven't paid others is an excuse that doesn't change the fact that I owe you. The plain truth is that when someone is owed justice for harms I have caused them, I have no right or power to erase that debt without making it right. And the next truth is that most of the harms I have done can not be made right by anything I do. What is the value of a broken promise, of betrayal, of an emotional, mental or even physical wound that scars and lasts for life without a healing touch from God?
I can forgive you. You can forgive me. But neither of us can forgive ourselves. We can try, but the next time something similar happens or that person we owe comes to mind, we begin to beat ourselves up again, or we refuse reality and delude ourselves into thinking things are OK when deep down we know that they are not. But if I owe you a hundred dollars that I can't pay and my Dad gives you the money for me, then I no longer owe you, even though I didn't do the paying. I can't forgive the debt, but I can accept that the debt is forgiven.
I have found this is the key to forgiveness. Daddy and our brother paid the debt. If you owe me, I don't need to hold that against you and demand payment. I can go to Daddy, and He can and will make it right for me. He can heal, restore and even make things new and better for me. So the home of my heart that you might have wrecked is now new and rebuilt. I have restitution and then some. Daddy took care of me. And if I wrecked your house and can't make it right, I can accept first that Daddy paid for my damage and that if you will go to Him, He will do what I can't do, repair, restore and make your home new. Forgiveness is not injustice. Justice will be served for all of us. Someone will pay for every debt, every crime, every hurt done every person. The first question is will I be held accountable for debts I can never pay or will I accept Daddy's payment for what I have done? The next is will I release you from what you owe me and let Daddy make me more right than you ever could, or will I live a life eaten away by hurt, resentment and bitterness because I want you to suffer what you owe me?
Letting Daddy handle things is the easier softer way in both the case of what I owe and what is owed me. It does lead to freedom from condemnation, guilt and shame. If you, like me, struggle with forgiving yourself, I highly recommend that you stop trying to pay what you will never be able to pay. For me to make my life right would be far more than coming up with a hundred dollars. It would be like trying to come up with t he national debt on minimum wage while incurring new debts. Impossible. Not even in a hundred lifetimes. And you're as broke as I am, so my holding my breath waiting on you to be able to make what you owe me right will only make my lungs burn and finally kill me.
One last thought. I have mentioned several times what can't be repaid by you or me. I am not talking about what I have done that can be made right. If I can make it right, I need to. I remember as a child getting angry with our land lord, so I dug up some of the hedge. I destroyed his property to get even. Only I didn't. The hedge wasn't part of our yard after all. It belonged to the little old lady who lived next door. I tore up her hedge. My Dad took me over to her house and stood by me while I apologized. Then, we planted new bushes in place of the ones I had dug up. After a while you couldn't tell that anything had ever been done.
If I owe you something I can make right, I need to do that. Not to earn Daddy's love or acceptance. Not to make Daddy willing to pay the stuff I can't pay. But because the interest on what I owe (the hurt I caused you) may make it more difficult for you to go to Daddy yourself. When I go to you, with Daddy by my side caring for you and helping me to make it right, then I make it possible for you to see that the hidden damage that I can't make right can be taken care of by my Daddy. But if I refuse to do what I can to make it right, then not only do I make it worse, but I give you cause not to trust my Daddy also.
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