As part of my recovery for drinking a lot and having fun, I have to make amends.
- Vincent Nigel Murray; Bones Season 6
I have been watching Bones some lately, and the show surprised me with a character, Mr. Nigel Murray, suddenly seen making attempts to complete Step 9. Part of what surprised me came from the fact that the show never showed Nigel having any issues of any kind other than perhaps an annoying tendency to quote trivia. Usually if a series is going to take someone through recovery it first shows that there is a problem, even if the establishing scenes are only brief, as Criminal Minds did with Reid.
The next surprise came from the nature of the wrongs. He claimed to have had relations with women that he didn't, wore an iguana as a hat and peed in a tadpole tank. Evidently, alcohol turned Nigel into a 13-year-old boy and didn't effect his work, since no one even suspected he had a problem. My first thought, after laughing, had something to do with if I had been able to keep the consequences of my drinking from effecting my life to the extent that no one even suspected there was a problem and no one was upset and the list of harms I had done had been limited to juvenile foolishness, I most likely wouldn't have stopped drinking. But then I remembered that everyone's bottom is different, and what seems like nothing to me because I've done so much worse, might be enough to make someone else die of shame and embarrassment. So, kudos to Nigel and anyone and everyone who runs to recovery before things get felony or deadly bad.
But Bones is fiction and Nigel doesn't exist, so there's little point in breaking down or questioning his alcoholism or his recovery. Still, there are some things I have learned while doing 9th Step work that this episode reminded me of and illustrated very well.
Making an amends to someone can be a bit nerve racking, but it is a necessary part of the process. The promises that many in recovery cling to that will be amazing before we are half way through are Ninth Step promises. They aren't saying by Step 6 we'll know a new freedom and a new happiness. They are saying that by the time we're half way done with our amends, we'll have a new freedom and a new happiness, because shame and guilt fade as we accept responsibility and do what we can to make things right. Also, we are more free because we're not in fear of what will happen if we have to face this person or that person. I could go on, but my point is not that Step 9 is necessary for both recovery and discipleship, we are told in James to confess our sins one to another after all. If you have honestly worked through the process and reached this point, as much as it may scare you, you will realize that the only reason to do this is to do what's right, to clean up our side of the street, and to provide relief and insure recovery. Over and over people who hide from or stall out on this step relapse. So we are making these amends for us, as much as we are for that person. Rigorous honesty.
Do you remember a time when some kid did something to you and got caught and their parent or teacher or someone made them apologize to you? Usually the adult is standing nearby to make sure the apology is made. The kid stands there, arms crossed, looking mad and through gritted teeth manages to get out, I'm sorry. You know they're not sorry. They know they're not sorry. Everyone in the vicinity knows. But they have to say it because someone is making them. And then you had to lie and say it's OK, when it wasn't, or that you accept their apology, which you didn't mean any more than they meant what they said. It would've been one thing if they had been sorry, but you knew they weren't. What I always wanted to say was, no, you're not sorry, and I don't accept your apology. Of course, I never did.
When making an amends, remember that we are there to make things right, to the best of our ability. It doesn't bode well to start off by saying I am in such and such recovery program and as part of that I have to make amends, and you need to let me make an amends to you because I need it. First, you're being rude and making it all about you, which is likely what caused the problem in the first place, selfishness and self-centeredness, that we think was the root of our problem. And second, they are immediately put in that place where someone is being forced to apologize. So even though you mean it, it may not feel as though you do. It is so much better to just say something like this:
Hey, can I talk to you a minute? Back in (year or more specific date if known), I did such and such that did you harm. I'm sorry, and I want to make it right if I can. What can I do...? Or here is what I owe you.... or.....
I did wrong. I own it. I'm sorry. I want to make it right if I can. That's it. No excuses. No I was drunk or high or out of control. If they ask why you did it, share about your bondage and subsequent freedom so that an amends may become a demonstration of God's love and power in your life, but don't volunteer it. I was _______ is still shifting responsibility. Don't mention step work. You're doing this for your healing and theirs, to give God glory and to make things right. Mentioning steps that they may not even understand just distracts from your sincerity. Also, don't say I need to do this. I'd like to make it right or I want to, is so much better than I need to. You are there for them. We say need so they are obligated to stay and listen. How dare they refuse my amends? I need this. It's not about you. If they say, no, I don't want to talk to you then, OK. Let that one go. When and if they are ready to hear you, God will bring them back into your path. Finally, if it's someone you've hurt a lot, don't show up with a list. I know that I did you wrong. I lied to you and stole from you and ...... If there is something specific that you know is upsetting them, own it, but if you wronged someone a hundred times, just own it all as quickly and honestly and without shifting blame or excuses and see what, if anything, you can do to make it right.
OK, so those are a few thoughts on making amends and getting things right between you and the other person before going on about your merry way. Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift (Matthew 5:23-24). And if you'd like to see how forced, awkward and insincere it is to ignore those suggestions, check out the episode of Bones, Season 6 Episode 18 The Truth In The Myth.
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