And even though I have not picked up in these past 8 years, I have been selfish, I have had moments ruled by anger, I have failed to walk out what I believe. My goodness, I don't really visit, much less live in, the neighborhood of perfection. Today that doesn't kill me like it used to, and I want to share why, because it may help you as well. This little bit of understanding that I received at nearly 40 years of age has made all the difference in my life.
I grew up in the faith, in a loving Christian home with parents who practiced what they preached (one very literally, since my dad has been a preacher most of my life). I decided early on in life to live for Jesus. And I failed miserably and repeatedly. By the time I became a teen, I felt convinced most of the time that God couldn't love me. I began turning to other things to try to fill the emptiness in my life, to change the way I felt and to distract from my fears and brokenness. That didn't work out so well, but I couldn't stop trying. From time to time I would have a moment of clarity and see that I needed to change my life and live for Jesus. I failed. Sometimes I put on a decent show of it, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it.
I remember once as a teen being prayed over at a youth lock-in and feeling free from a cocaine addiction for the first time in a long time. I rejoiced. I praised. I even broke down and told my Dad that I had been using and was now clean for two whole weeks! It was only a week or so later that I picked back up, and I remember the shame. It wasn't only the drink and drug. I wasn't a good Christian in any way, and the shame nearly killed me. One of the reasons I kept picking up is that the chemicals numbed the fear and shame of failure, even as I made the failure worse.
I tried to live a moral life until I gave up in disgust. Then I lived like it didn't matter. If all I could be is a sinner, I might as well be the best sinner I can be and try to have a little fun as I raced toward destruction. My identity basically could be defined as a person who believed in Jesus, even claimed to love Him most days, but could not walk with Him, could not do what was right, and didn't really believe he was loved by God. I flipped back and forth between trying and failing and not even bothering to try. I constantly condemned myself.
I could admit I was wrong at times. OK, you're forgiven, just don't let it happen again. Sometimes I got that message from others. All times I gave that message to myself. Go and sin no more. Only I did. Over and over and over again. I hated myself for it. How could God feel any differently? He hated my sin worse than I did. No matter how many times I heard the message of grace, I lived a life of performance, expectation and shame.
And as a result, I couldn't do good consistently or well. If you struggle with living for Jesus and doing good, it may very well be that your foundation and starting place is one of shame and performance anxiety. When you mess up do you beat yourself in hopes of getting the lesson well enough not to mess up again? At least in that area or way? If so, you are making things worse, not better.
Shame and guilt can push us to want to do better, but they lead to a burden. Got to be more, do more, be disciplined. This often leads to religious performance, like the pharisee who controls everything he can to cover the shame of all that he can't control. Our identity becomes tied to our morality. When we're doing good we see ourselves as good. When we fail, we are losers and failures. So we begin to hide our shortcomings and mistakes as much as we can. Until finally there are only three options to get through the mess or life. One is to give up, since we can't keep up the moral standard we set for ourselves, much less God's standard of perfection. Just quit trying and live immorally. The second is to live a double life. The moral life mask that we show the world and the immoral face we expose in private and see in the mirror. But double lives last half as long.
The third option is to surrender the fight and to stop living for Jesus. I don't live for Jesus anymore. I don't even try to. Wait a minute preacher, isn't that just the first option? No. I didn't say I lived for myself or lived for the world or lived for sin. I simply said I don't live for Jesus. I don't start from that place of shame that says don't do that again. Be better. Do it right. Straighten up. I don't beat myself up over my mistakes and then try to determine to finally live like a good Christian is supposed to live. I don't try to be moral.
Instead I try to remember. Instead of living like a moral person (which, in all honestly, I am not), I try to live like a person who is loved. When I get lost in the wonder of how much my wife loves me, all I want to do is love her back. I do a good enough job of it that she feels like I am a good husband, and for that I am grateful. But I don't think about trying to be a good husband. I don't start from the questions of what do I need to do to be a good husband or what are my responsibilities as a husband? Ever. Being a husband is not a duty I am trying to perform or figure out how to do well. Most days I don't even think about it.
I start from she loves me, and I want to love her back. What can I do, right this moment, to love her and let her know how much I love her. That's it. Every good husband point I may have attained comes from simply loving her and doing what comes naturally to someone being loving and not from a to-do check list of duties and attributes of a good husband. And when I fall short, and I do, I rejoice in her love and forgiveness, which makes me naturally love her even more, which cuts down on the mess ups.
The same is true of my relationship with God. By grace I have been brought into relationship. He loves me! As I am, not as I should be. When my identity has nothing to do with my goodness or lack of, and everything to do with being one of the beloved, the natural response is to love Him back. I don't do what's right because I'm a good person. I do it, when I do, because of love. I don't live for Jesus. I live through Jesus. Somewhere along the way, about a decade ago, I let go and just let Daddy love me without trying to earn it or deserve it.
I let go of trying to be perfect. I let go of even trying to be good. I let go of trying to live for Jesus. And instead I live to be loved and the natural response is to love in return. I entered a place of rest from the struggle and a place of grace where I can acknowledge and accept my mistakes and shortcomings. They are where I experience the forgiveness and love of God. Instead of beating myself up when I fail, which I do, I can run to Daddy and rejoice that He still loves me and accepts me, which only makes me love Him more. The result of that is that I haven't needed something other than God to change the way I feel and I haven't had to escape fear and shame for a while now. I share them with my Daddy and let the Spirit comfort me and accept the forgiveness that Jesus provided. And the result of that, is that now that I have quit fighting to be good and moral, I live a life characterized by more morality and goodness than ever before. I don't try to live without mistakes, nor do I live to make mistakes. I live love because my identity is one of being loved by God.
What I have found, you can have too, because God loves you as much as He loves me, and He really really loves me. He loves you as you are, not as you should be, but He loves you enough not to leave you as you are. All He wants from you is for you to accept His love and to trust His love for you. You don't have to earn it or deserve it or figure out how not to disappoint Him and let Him down. Put relationship over the check-list of requirements, and the requirements begin to come naturally. It may not be instant. We claim progress rather than perfection, but change will come as we pursue Him rather than change.
This site is free. If this blessed, helped and or informed you, the best thing you can do is pass it on via the social buttons below. And please subscribe or follow Unshackled Life Ministries on Facebook.
Unshackled Life Ministries is grateful for every person that reads the daily Unshackled Moments, the weekly Unshackled Echo and or listens to the Audio Messages. I want to thank those who have clicked "like" on something that blessed or ministered to them on social media, commented on the blog or replied to an email subscription. It is encouraging to know that God is using this ministry to help and bless others. Please remember that if God used something from this ministry to help, encourage or bless you, it could also bless someone else. Would you help get the devotions and sermons to more people by sharing this? Hitting the share button or forwarding this to a friend will help us reach more people with the good news of freedom and the encouragement to live an Unshackled Life. Thank you and God bless.
No comments:
Post a Comment