I remember the shame I felt walking back into the rooms. I had gotten it. I had been freed from the obsession. I had helped others get sober. Then I had fallen back. One of the men I took through the steps was now encouraging me to come back in, start over and do it right. I did it. I took a deep breath, like I was about to jump in a cold lake, and walked into the room. Part of me expected those looks. You know, the I told you so or the you should have known better looks. Instead I was greeted with smiles. People actually felt glad to see me return before they had to go to another funeral of a friend who didn't make it back after "one more."
A dear friend walked up to me with a huge smile on her face, gave me a hug, looked me right in the eye and told me to remember what she always said, screw guilt. Conviction is a good thing. It lets us know when we need to repent and make an amends, when we need to return to God and ask forgiveness. But guilt and condemnation are only chains that keep us in bondage.The past is gone. Accept the grace to go on and leave the mistakes behind. I will always be grateful for those words of encouragement and for the way she reminded me that old things have passed away and we can be made new if we will only surrender to the Spirit.
This wonderful lady has been on my mind so much lately, because one week ago tomorrow, she went to be with the Lord. She had 19 1/12 years sober and a spirit that blessed all those who knew her. She wasn't perfect. She had her moments, even after all those years, when she slipped into self and stepped on toes. She admitted it quickly and did what she could to make it right. You would never have known how long she had by the way she talked in one sense. By that I mean she didn't brag. She didn't try to appear great and mighty in recovery. She was quick to point out that she, like all of us, are spiritual beings on a human journey and need God's help every day not to muck it up. She would get upset with someone and then remind herself that what they did wasn't any of her business. We all need to stay in our own hula hoop. And though she didn't brag about nearly two decades of recovery, her journey had made her wise, and she was good at delivering that wisdom with a wit that made it easy to take. I still remember her being able to tell me I was being stupid without making me feel stupid or angry. Instead she somehow did it in such a way that I knew she was right. I was being foolish, and I knew better.
Judy, I am grateful that you are beyond pain and suffering and finally completely and truly free. But oh the loss to the rest of us left down here. You were a big part of my recovery, and I still rely on the wisdom you imparted. I know I am not alone. Last week I heard the people who spoke of what you had done for them and the impact you had on their lives. You did it. You loved God and loved others, even when you might not like them much, and your legacy lives on. Thank you for all you did for me, for always having a smile for me when I came in the room, even when I was a mess. Thank you for making me laugh and making me think and for reminding me that I don't have to be perfect when I rely on the One who is.
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