I wish I could say that I always want to help others do what God wants them to do, that I could always be a blessing to another. But no. Struggling to break free of bondage? I'm your man. I'll pray with you and for you. I'll counsel with you and share how God set me free. If you want what I have, one way to get it is to go through the process I went through, and I'll be happy to help you do so. But ask me to help someone be blessed with a blessing I would like but haven't received (and may never receive)? Then I can get a little ugly.
It's not really sour grapes, since that is to disparage what you can't have. It's not disparaging to see something as a treasure you can't posses. It's just sour selfishness. Why on earth should I help you get what God has denied me? The very idea makes me angry and my chest tight. Envy hurts. Maybe that's why it's one of the Big Ten.
Leah and I watched a movie together last night in which one of the main characters was a writer struggling to get published. She'd spent so much of her time, effort and (parents') resources trying to make her dream come true only to be rejected by every publication she tried. She arrives home one evening to find her roommate excited. She's being published....the roommate, not the writer. She wrote a little something and sent it in. Her article will be on the cover. It's her first time to do anything like that. Leah and I, and probably everyone who watches the movie knows how the poor writer feels. We understand completely when she pretends to be happy for her friend and then goes outside and screams. Putting ourselves in the shoes of the writer we get angry at the roommate. How dare she? How selfish do you have to be to not see how much that would hurt to your "friend" who hasn't been published yet?
In prison it's a bad idea to talk about getting parole. Because someone who didn't get it may get angry, which could turn into a fight, which can get you hurt and or cost you your parole. Can't relate to this one? Well how about when you or a friend is so happy to discover a baby is on the way but then you remember that other friend who's been trying to have a child unsuccessfully for years? How do you balance rejoicing and being sensitive to the other's pain at the same time?
None of these situations or any others would be a problem with envy. I want what I want, not what God is giving me, and I want it now, and if I can't have it no one should have it. We show that in our hearts there is at least part of us that feels the relationship should be God denying His will for ours and not the other way around. We overlook and dismiss blessings in our loves that others only dream about to focus on the pain of not getting what we want in one or two areas. Then we selfishly would deny others whom we are called to love the pleasure we so desperately long for. Sound foolish and petty? It is. It's also so completely natural we all do it to some extent. Don't eat that cake in front of me while I'm dieting you jerk.
So how do we escape the pain that comes from not getting what we want and from the envy of those who got or are getting it? The same way we escape other bondage. Surrender. I wanted to....I want...I...It's not about me, and your life is not about you. Not if you want to be free it isn't. To gain your life you have to lose it.. Part of the losing it part is coming to a place of surrender that says what God wants for me and has given me is more important to me than what I want. In fact I lay down my wants and desires and dreams at the cross as a sacrifice. Let God return them as a blessing or give me something else as He chooses. I will rejoice and be glad in His will. In reveling in relationship and rejoicing in God's desires and will for us we can escape the pain and frustration of our own will being thwarted. Whenever I feel the pain that comes from envy I see an area of my life where I have either failed to surrender or have taken my will back. The pain reminds me to let it go, to drop it like it's hot before the acid of bitterness burns a hole in my heart.
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