I know that when it comes to sanity I am not the best example. In fact, one of the best things that happened to me was that I came to understand that God could restore me to sanity. The simple definition of sanity is right thinking, sound thinking, rationality (thinking rooted in reason and logic). And recovery programs did not originate the idea that God could give us the ability to think rightly.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
- 2 Timothy 1:7
My worst bouts of insanity had more to do with what I said to myself than that I was talking to myself. I said things like this time it'll be different. I crashed promising myself that tomorrow I would not drink and drug, and then I would wake and tell myself I just won't drink and drug as much. Then I would wonder why at the end of the day I was as messed up as I always was. Oh, I lied to myself all the time. I could look back past a thousands times when things went horribly awry, when my addictions caused more problems than they gave pleasure, when my choices only led to misery, pain and stress to the tenth power and convince myself that this time it would be as pleasurable and satisfying and as successful as that one time back in 19...... I was like Robin Williams' character in Good Will Hunting holding up the lottery ticket that was sure to be yet another loser and saying this is the one that'll win. Doing that with a dollar lottery ticket may not be that big of a deal, but I was doing it with my life. I had a brain that seemed bent on killing me, slowly, and emotions that loved to set that killer brain off on the teasing tangents that told me that walking that razor's edge between life and death was a good idea. And I listened. Over and over. Despite all the evidence to the contrary I insisted that my way was better and that what I wanted would lead to more happiness and satisfaction than God's will for my life. Insanity.
It wasn't that I talked to myself that proved my insanity, it was the nonsense my mind spit out. It wasn't whether the talking happened inside my head or out loud. I do speak aloud to myself, and that can be a good thing. Research shows that it can be a helpful way to picture what we are trying to find and activate memory. So, it really does help when we ask ourselves where did I set my phone down? Or maybe saying something along the lines of if I were my keys, where would I be? And when trying to work through emotions or a problem or even just trying to organize our thoughts, it can help to talk it out with ourselves. When I speak my anxiety out loud I can often hear it for what it is, false fear. We even encourage our children with the truth that it can help us to encourage ourselves. We've all heard of the little train that told itself I think I can, I think I can, right to the top of the near impossible climb. It can help to talk to ourselves, and we all do it, so why not embrace it?
But once again, I'm not really concerned about if our soliloquies are verbalized or not. The question is what are we saying?Are we causing ourselves problems, discouraging ourselves, talking ourselves out of the truth? Or are we stirring ourselves up? King David was excellent at appropriate self encouragement. He would often begin talking out the problem. They're all out to get me. Everywhere I look everything is going wrong and about to get worse. But he never stopped there. Still, despite all of this, I will trust in God. I know that God is my strength, my refuge, my provision.
It's not the end of the world if your speech to yourself usually starts in a bad place. Stupid, stupid, why do you always do stupid stuff? This is never going to last? Whenever you have something good going you always manage to mess it up. I know there are tons of examples that could be displayed to show how our inner instinctual voice of despondency tells us that we can not be free, we can not be victorious and that we are worthless. That voice can be so hard to silence, especially when it has been allowed to speak as often and as loudly as it wanted to for most of our lifetimes. You'll never be good enough. If people only knew....
Trying to force the voice of despondency into silence can make us feel even more like failures, because fighting that voice only seems to strengthen it. It's like telling someone not to think about purples elephants. You can think about anything you want, except purple elephants. No matter what you do, don't let the idea of purple elephants enter your mind. You'd have never thought about purple elephants at all, but now.... As with every other source of bondage to self we suffer, the speech of our negative nature is beyond our control.
That doesn't mean it can't be controlled or that we can't be free. Of course we can be free of the fear and hopelessness we speak into our own lives. But only by the power that is greater than us. It's not through our might, our discipline, our positive spinning or self manipulation. Like every other chain that must be broken it is only by the power of His Spirit. We need to do more than remember, we need to remind ourselves. Talk back. Remind ourselves of what? Remind ourselves that not everything we think and not everything we feel is real and true. Remind ourselves that no matter what our emotions and senses may tell us, truth is what God declares is true. That means that it doesn't matter how loudly Mr. Despondent yells in my mind to the contrary, God says He loves me, cares for me, is present and will help me in times of trouble, has provided a way of escape from each and every temptation. Today, I choose to believe what God says is more true than what I say to myself. Period. I may speak the hopelessness, but I will not let it end there. I will remind myself that He is my refuge and my strength. He is the solution to my problems and the answer to my fears.
I talk to myself. I did it yesterday, I've done it today, and I am sure that I will do it tomorrow. But what I have learned is that if I let the new creation have the last word, my life is a lot better. That's because the new creation likes to speak the truths of God. Maybe I really will fail in this area or that area again, but I don't have to do it right now. There is a way of escape. And when I am tired of the fight against sin, if I wait on Daddy's direction, guidance and help instead of giving in to the ghost of self within, my strength is renewed. When fear screams the sky is falling, I can reply that He has me and loves me as I am but enough not to leave me the mess I am. I remind myself that I have a history of lying to myself and manipulating myself, but that the truth of Jesus has only made me free. No, I doubt I will ever quit talking to myself, but today I am trying to make sure Daddy's words are the last ones.
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