When the night breaks in I won't spin
Far away from what I know is real
In this heart of mine
Light will shine
For I have found my chart to pilot me
Walk between the lines
- Russ Taff Walk Between The Lines
This song came across my Pandora this morning, and it took me back to 1987, when it came out. My life was in an erratic orbit, and I was a mess. I believed in God, just enough to really screw up my life. What do I mean by such a strange statement? Well, there's a saying in recovery rooms that if they don't do anything else for you, they'll screw up your drinking and drugging forever. I know from experience that there's not much worse feeling that having a heart full of pain, a head full of truth and a life full of sin.
When I relapsed back in 2010 after 15 months clean and sober, I had so much trouble finding oblivion. Instead what I found was the truth of God and the spiritual principles of recovery floating through the fog of my brain to convict me, to warn me of the death and destruction coming soon and the way of rescue and escape. It didn't take long for me to cry out to God for help, to take my drunk and high and 40 pounds lighter body back where I had walked away from and reach out for the help I'd found previously. I did the work over. I surrendered again, and now I am approaching 6 years since I have last had the need to fill my body or mind, change my situation or feelings or escape with drugs or alcohol. I know that I could never return to that place of bondage without the cries of freedom and the way of freedom echoing in my soul.
This is part of what made my life so miserable during my teen years and led to multiple attempts to escape by finding a grave. I thank God today that He repeatedly said no when I prayed to die and tried to make that happen. I grew up surrounded by and hearing the truth of God. I heard it in my home, from the pulpit where my father preached and in the life he lived. I heard it from my mother, and even today some of the scriptures that come most quickly to mind in certain situations are ones my mother taught me by repeating them to me every time I violated the principle they represented. I would begin tearing someone apart with my words, cutting them with my tongue, and my mother would look at me and say, "4:29." That's it. Just "4:29," but I was quickly reminded that I had gotten out of line and I had better watch myself, at least while she was in earshot, because what became shortened to 4:29 once she knew that I knew was originally "Son, remember, Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers."
It's frustrating and misery to live a lie while knowing truth, but it's possible. If I had responded to the truth I head and saw in my home and in much of the music I listened to as a teen completely instead of only on the surface of my heart I'd have found freedom long, long ago. Instead, I knew about God, and I believed in God just enough to make a life without His presence miserable, even with the drugs and alcohol. I would feel that pull to relationship or I would feel guilty, and I would rededicate my life. I would come clean somewhat with my father. I remember standing at a barn with him admitting that I had become addicted to cocaine and that I was quitting. I had been healed of that addiction after a youth minister prayed for me. And it was true in a way. I'd been out of control with the coke. At a lock-in youth group meeting I had a moment of clarity that I needed help, and I got prayed for. I hadn't done any cocaine in the few months since that point when I talked to my dad. I was high when I talked to him though. It just wasn't coke.
I shifted from one lie to another, from one chain to another, and screamed at the still small voice in my mind and spirit until finally silence was the only sound in return. My screams echoed back, but I was no longer haunted by the truth. Then things really went to hell, and there was no hope at all. That year I lived totally free from that misery of knowing the truth of freedom while living as a slave, and in that year I lost everything but my life, and that was close several times, including a trip to ICU after an overdose. The year ended with me in cuffs, charged with a felony and the weight of nearly a decade in prison coming. Oh yeah, finally not thinking at all or being haunted by the truth I had heard worked out so much better. Please read the previous sentence with thick, dripping sarcasm.
But as I fell apart and my life went to hell, my mother and father, though obviously concerned and hurt by my life and actions, never spun off out of control in reaction. In fact, my father stayed so stable and faithful no matter what happened, whether it happened with or because of me or if I just witnessed things, that I thought for a while that nothing could phase him at all, that nothing ever made him worried or shook him up. And it was in those times that I would think how is he not freaking out? that he'd simply quote a truth he'd learned from scripture. Things were one way, but the truth says.....
All scripture is truth, but scripture doesn't have the monopoly on truth. Another book that isn't 100% truth like scripture but is full of spiritual truths that lead to freedom says that I am not entirely and for always set free no matter what but rather that I have a 24 hour reprieve from bondage based upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition. I have found this to be very true, and bringing this simple truth to mind reminds me that if I want to walk free today I have to seek God first and foremost.
I have taken a long time to simply point out that the way to freedom starts with truth. Jesus said the truth will make you free, not set, but make. It will change you and drive you to freedom, and one of the reasons is that hearing it and not doing it is hell on earth. The only thing worse is to ignore it until you finally can't hear it anymore. Studying is great, and yes, it's impressive when people have things memorized and can quote large portions of books, but it's not necessary. It's certainly not where to start. Just read, every day, at least a little truth. Put it in, even if it doesn't seem like you're getting anything out of it. Read a chapter or a paragraph or a sentence and go on. It doesn't matter how little you try to remember something, once you've read a line of truth 30 or 40 times or more, when the crap hits the fan, the truth will pop into mind to remind us that in order to blow the crap back off we have to make sure the fan is plugged in. You may think you don't know it, but when you need it, the Holy Spirit will bring it to mind. Freedom, joy and peace are found in turning to that truth when it comes, misery in trying to continue contrary and hell is found in growing deaf to it.
Today let us read a little truth. Let us keep doing it every day that when trouble comes, we can live in the safety found in the foundation of truth between the lines.
It's frustrating and misery to live a lie while knowing truth, but it's possible. If I had responded to the truth I head and saw in my home and in much of the music I listened to as a teen completely instead of only on the surface of my heart I'd have found freedom long, long ago. Instead, I knew about God, and I believed in God just enough to make a life without His presence miserable, even with the drugs and alcohol. I would feel that pull to relationship or I would feel guilty, and I would rededicate my life. I would come clean somewhat with my father. I remember standing at a barn with him admitting that I had become addicted to cocaine and that I was quitting. I had been healed of that addiction after a youth minister prayed for me. And it was true in a way. I'd been out of control with the coke. At a lock-in youth group meeting I had a moment of clarity that I needed help, and I got prayed for. I hadn't done any cocaine in the few months since that point when I talked to my dad. I was high when I talked to him though. It just wasn't coke.
I shifted from one lie to another, from one chain to another, and screamed at the still small voice in my mind and spirit until finally silence was the only sound in return. My screams echoed back, but I was no longer haunted by the truth. Then things really went to hell, and there was no hope at all. That year I lived totally free from that misery of knowing the truth of freedom while living as a slave, and in that year I lost everything but my life, and that was close several times, including a trip to ICU after an overdose. The year ended with me in cuffs, charged with a felony and the weight of nearly a decade in prison coming. Oh yeah, finally not thinking at all or being haunted by the truth I had heard worked out so much better. Please read the previous sentence with thick, dripping sarcasm.
But as I fell apart and my life went to hell, my mother and father, though obviously concerned and hurt by my life and actions, never spun off out of control in reaction. In fact, my father stayed so stable and faithful no matter what happened, whether it happened with or because of me or if I just witnessed things, that I thought for a while that nothing could phase him at all, that nothing ever made him worried or shook him up. And it was in those times that I would think how is he not freaking out? that he'd simply quote a truth he'd learned from scripture. Things were one way, but the truth says.....
All scripture is truth, but scripture doesn't have the monopoly on truth. Another book that isn't 100% truth like scripture but is full of spiritual truths that lead to freedom says that I am not entirely and for always set free no matter what but rather that I have a 24 hour reprieve from bondage based upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition. I have found this to be very true, and bringing this simple truth to mind reminds me that if I want to walk free today I have to seek God first and foremost.
I have taken a long time to simply point out that the way to freedom starts with truth. Jesus said the truth will make you free, not set, but make. It will change you and drive you to freedom, and one of the reasons is that hearing it and not doing it is hell on earth. The only thing worse is to ignore it until you finally can't hear it anymore. Studying is great, and yes, it's impressive when people have things memorized and can quote large portions of books, but it's not necessary. It's certainly not where to start. Just read, every day, at least a little truth. Put it in, even if it doesn't seem like you're getting anything out of it. Read a chapter or a paragraph or a sentence and go on. It doesn't matter how little you try to remember something, once you've read a line of truth 30 or 40 times or more, when the crap hits the fan, the truth will pop into mind to remind us that in order to blow the crap back off we have to make sure the fan is plugged in. You may think you don't know it, but when you need it, the Holy Spirit will bring it to mind. Freedom, joy and peace are found in turning to that truth when it comes, misery in trying to continue contrary and hell is found in growing deaf to it.
Today let us read a little truth. Let us keep doing it every day that when trouble comes, we can live in the safety found in the foundation of truth between the lines.
Today's Unshackled Echo was previously published on
April 16, 2016.
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