Unshackled Moments ~ July 3, 2018 ~ Self-Indulgence Can't Restore Us

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.

- Psalm 23:1-3

I am beyond tired. Seriously, I am exhausted. I have been running on reserves and fumes and have reached a point where my brain is barely functioning. I've noticed also, that in addition to struggling to think well, to remember and complete my responsibilities, the more tired I get, the more the heathen in me begins to claw his way from the grave. As my reserves dwindle so do the fruits of the Spirit, things like love, mercy, compassion, gentleness, self-control.

Oh my goodness. I am harsh and critical of others. I am not a nice person. I'm just not. Christ in me loves people and gives me love for people. I on the other hand want to ban warning labels and let the stupid weed themselves out. Jesus loves us all as we are, not as we should be, and says that we have great significance and value to the One who made us. And when I get tired I have a tendency to think things like, pull the plug, you're just taking up space, about people. I get frustrated more quickly. I get selfish about my time, of which I am forgetting that I have none, because I and all that I am, including my time, is His. I have little patience and tolerance for people, myself included. I called myself an idiot three times today.

I am grateful that there is one person who seems to be shielded from my bad attitude. That's Leah. She doesn't annoy me. I am starting to wonder if maybe it wasn't so much an unloving attitude that made John the beloved volunteer to call down fire from heaven on the Samaritans as much as it was just they had been walking and ministering for a long time without enough rest and he was exhausted. I preach things like "it takes grace to love God and love others as we should," but even so, admitting that I am an unloving jerk when I get tired is a bit embarrassing. I just want to blow off everything and do nothing but chill and take care of Leah, who is every bit as exhausted as I am, perhaps more so.

There is a part of me that wants to skimp out on the spiritual stuff too. Praying is hard to do when you're exhausted. Reading seems like a waste of time when you keep reading the same paragraph over because you're too tired And doing things like writing and preparing for sermons? It takes much more time and effort to prepare, and then you just pray that you can manage to get it out and make sense or remember what you studied. I am not saying poor pitiful me. I am admitting that the more tired I get, the less I want to do the things I need to do to have relationship with my Shepherd. I just want to go find a shady spot and sleep. I don't want to be led by still waters or righteous paths or anywhere else, because being led means moving and moving makes me tired. Did I mention that I get selfish and self-centered when I get tired?

But that tendency to run and hide, to do our own thing when the effort it takes to do what we need to increase is the exact opposite of what we need to do. For one thing, I have a 24-hour reprieve from my bondage that is contingent upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition. So blowing off my relationship with God because I'm tired is a good way to loose my footing and slip into dangerous places. Scripture says it this way, if we walk by the power of the Spirit, we won't fulfill the lusts of the flesh. So if we stop fellowshipping with the Spirit, how do we have any hope of resisting the rise of self-will and selfishness?

Self-indulgence is not the answer to exhaustion. Living for self and blowing off responsibilities and others only makes a mess that takes even more effort to clean up later. Let's be honest. Self-indulgence never served me well. As my self-will ran riot, I reaped destruction in my life and the lives of others. Self-indulgence never restores. It only destroys. It is the Lord who restores our soul and gives rest. So, it is in my best self-interest, to continue to deny self and seek Him, even when it seems to take more effort. I will continue to let Him lead me where He needs me to go, even though I'm so tired I keep thinking I can't take another step.  I will lean on Him and His grace to keep me going until I have made it to the pasture and the writing is all done, the sermon is given, the people are ministered to, the animals are all fed and the house is in the neighborhood of clean. I will try to get closer to Daddy, so I can keep loving and caring for the annoying people, including me. I may sleep all day Thursday though.


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