Well, I've relapsed before, and it feels like failure. I agree. I can't tell you how often I have gone back to old behaviors, old addictions, old sin in a very short time after determining that I wasn't going to do those things and was going to walk with and stay surrendered to God. It feels like an epic fail. But it's not, and we seriously need to remember that.
I'm not saying that relapse is a good thing or a good idea. The last time I relapsed, almost seven years ago, I nearly died. And I have buried friends who went back to their addictions, one who died the same night he wanted just one last shot. Another close friend was in the ground two weeks after returning to his Egypt. There's a reason God took the Israelites through the Red Sea, to make it that much harder for them to return to the land of their slavery. He doesn't put such barriers between us and the chains of the past, but we have something the children of Israel didn't have, which is the indwelling power of the Holy Spirit to give us the grace to resist the siren's call to return to the place of our bondage and our destruction.
So, no, I am not advocating or belittling relapse in any way. Nor am I saying that it is OK to sin. It's not. But you will. So will I. Today. You may never return to bondage that you have been set free from, but you will miss the mark, you will fall short of the holiness of God, you will sin. It's not a question of if you will sin. The questions are when, how bad will it hurt and how long will it take before you reject the slop and run home to Daddy?
But remember the illustration of the Prodigal? The son sinned, rebelled, decided to live for himself and went out into the world to do his thing, his way. Finally, he saw that his way wasn't working and was making him miserable. He was going to die if he didn't find a way of escape. He decided it would be better to be a servant in his father's house than to stay in the helpless and hopeless situation he was in, because even the servants had a better life than he did. But when he returned to his father's house, his father was waiting for him, hoping for his return and saw him long before he arrived. The father ran to the son, welcomed him home, cleaned him up and celebrated. The son was not treated poorly to emphasize the foolishness of his mistake or to drive the lesson home. He didn't have to take the station of servant and earn back his right to be treated as a son. He didn't have to prove his sincerity or show that he had learned his lesson. His father rejoiced, called him son and provided for his needs.
That's the story Jesus told us to illustrate the love of the Father for His wayward children, for those who not only fall short, but for those who intentionally choose their own way over the Father's. And that's what is happening when we sin, and even when we relapse. Somewhere along the line, we are putting our self back in control, we are choosing our self will and instincts over the will of God for us. We looked to our way, will, power and strength to protect us and meet our needs rather than relying on God's grace to keep us free and enable us to walk rightly.
It's not about failure. Failure is when we do not do what is expected or required of us. We are going to fall short, sin, whenever we run on our will and power and strength instead of God's Spirit. But will our mistake be purposeless or purposeful? When we look at walking with God in terms of our success or failure, we lose sight of the truth. If you walk with God rightly today and don't sin, not even once, you haven't been successful. Sorry, but you haven't. You have been surrendered, not successful. You didn't keep yourself from messing up, from sinning or from living for self and failing to love God and others as you should. Not being surrendered always results in not loving God and others as we should, in living for self, in sin, and eventually (if allowed to continue) very serious, destructive sin and or relapse, But what do you think of when you look at that lack of surrender as failure?
Stop and really think about it for a second. Did you fail? Did you refuse to or were you unable to do what was expected of or required of you? You think so? You think God expected you to never take back your will and stay surrendered? Do you think you surprised him when you sinned, when you looked longingly back on the days of slavery or even when you returned? If your god expects you to be perfect, to never fall short or is surprised when you do, you have the wrong god.
Oh, and that is true for the required portion of the definition of failure as well. If your god requires your perfection, you're so screwed and you're worshiping, following and believing in a cruel and evil god. Seriously. I'm not joking. Is that what you see in the story of the returning rebellious, selfish son, a father standing there, pointing a finger, looking disapproving and angry, shouting about how the son should have known better, should've listened and simply obeyed, how he was a disappointment and an epic failure as a son?
Because when we put the requirement of performance on ourselves, that's the god we are making. Failure means we didn't live up to the required standard. We're all failures. None of us have lived up to the standard of perfection, and we never, ever, will. So messing up doesn't make us any more of a failure than before. We've never measured up. We don't have a God who looks at us and demands that we get it together, become stronger and more determined and fight harder to live up to the standard. We serve a God who welcomes us home, who rejoices and celebrates and throws a party when we realize we need him, who calls us His children when we know we don't even deserve to be His servants, who knew we could never reach the standard so He sacrificed Himself to take our punishment for failure and make it possible, by making His home in our hearts and giving us His power, to walk rightly and deny self. That's the God who loves me and loves you. That is not a God who is waiting for or expecting us to be something that we are not. That is a God who is working on transforming us Himself into what we were always meant to be.
If we stay surrendered and live by the power of the Spirit, we won't mess up. If we live on our own abilities, strength, power, etc. we will screw up, and since we won't ever be able to surrender 100% of our life 100% of the time on this side of eternity, screw ups are going to happen. The more surrendered we are, the less big, less destructive, less long lasting the mistake will be, but even little things lead to big things if they are accepted as OK and if they are purposeless.
Purposeless sin, keep in mind that sin simply means to miss the mark, to fall short of the goal, is sin that serves no good purpose. If we simply realize we stumbled, get back up and continue on our merry way, what good has come out of that, other than that we got up? If I am waking through my bedroom and trip over my boots and simply go on with whatever I was doing before I tripped, I can be pretty sure that I am going to trip over those same boots again. If I look to see why I tripped, recognize the boots are in the way of the path, move them, then I don't have to worry about tripping over them again.
We can give mistakes purpose by not ignoring them and going on as though it didn't happen. There is therefore now no condemnation, but that doesn't mean there is no lesson to be learned. Why? Why did I take my will back? Why did I decide that what was working wasn't the way to continue and instead try again to do what never worked, walk with God on my own? Or why did I begin longing for my Egypt again? What is it in me that felt empty or what need was I afraid wouldn't be met that made me try to meet the need myself rather than wait on God? When I relapse and or fall short of loving God and others as I should (sin), it shows me that something that I am doing to get free or stay free isn't working and, therefore, isn't God's will. Something I believe about God or freedom or life isn't truth, because truth will make me free. If I look closely with a searching and honest heart I can judge me spiritual beliefs and practices based on whether or not they work and whether or not they bring closer to God or make me feel more distant and isolated from Him. If something I believe about God isn't bringing me closer to Him or giving me more freedom and making me more like Jesus, it's time to reject that belief or practice. Spiritual life is not in finding a system of self control and slapping a "God" sticker on it. If it's real, it's about relationship and will be experienced rather than simply believed in or hoped on.
God's mercies are new every morning and He is quick and faithful to forgive. He chooses not to remember our sin, and it as far from His memory as the East is from the West. That means God doesn't see your sin as failure, but as a chance to allow us to see where we are in error in our belief, lacking in surrender and need to be even closer to Him. He uses our mistakes to draw us in to deeper relationship with Him. His grace is deeper than all our sin; nothing can separate us from His love. There is deep joy to be found in looking up from our pig pen and realizing that Daddy still loves us, totally and completely, and is reaching out to hug us just as we are, covered in mud, spoiled slop and pig feces. He will clean us up Himself, we don't have to do it, but He will rejoice over us and embrace us upon our return before anything else. Our mistakes can serve the purpose of demonstrating how great His love is for us, making it easier to respond to that love by truer and more surrender of our life into His care, because it's easier to trust yourself to the care of a God that you can see loves you as you are, not as you should be and who loves you enough not to leave you as you are.
Our mistakes can keep us humble. We don't forget that it is only by God's grace that we stand. We don't forget that we are broken people in need of transformation, restoration and help. We have empathy and love for others when they fall short, rather than sit in condemnation and self righteous judgment. Our mistakes can remind us to pray for, love and be compassionate towards others who are struggling. I will never look at someone who just relapsed and say something stupid like if you had just wanted to stay clean and sober enough you would have thought it through before you did that or you should have know better. I may say something else stupid, because I mess up, but I won't say anything like that, because I have relapsed and I remember. It's not about working hard enough. It's not about wanting it enough. It's not about remembering the past or playing the movie through. Freedom comes from relationship with Jesus and surrender to Daddy. It's not about us. And making it about us leads to mistakes, sin, relapse, etc., but it's not failure, it's a call to come to the altar. Daddy's arms are open wide. Forgiveness was bought for us with the precious blood of Jesus. So you messed up? Again. Look at it. Own it. That didn't work did it? Those boots doing belong there. Run home and rely even more on the Spirit to do what only God can do and rejoice over the awesome and precious love our wonderful Savior has for us, regardless of our performance.
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