We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, sin, etc. and that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Step 1
This is the first step to freedom from bondage and the shackles of slavery that are destroying our lives. The shackles are not the same for everyone, hence the string of possible things we are powerless over and the etc. at the end relaying the truth that no such list could be all inclusive. Some, probably most of us, have or had more than one of these areas where it started OK, then got not fun or began damaging our life and relationships, and then, in the times when we could be honest with ourselves, we knew that we couldn't stop doing what was making us miserable, or if we could stop, we couldn't stay stopped. In the rooms of recovery it is often said that this is the only step that must be done totally and completely, 100%. You have to want it. You have to really want to quit.
But that was not my experience, and while I agree that this needs to be 100% understood and believed, I do not necessarily agree that you must 100% want to quit the thing or action that has taken control. I remember the first few weeks of early recovery when the craving still cut through me like a knife and the obsession had not yet been removed. At no point in that could I have said that I completely and totally wanted to stop and stop for good. However you want to describe it, my sinful nature, my old patterns and habitual instincts and reflexes, my physical body, the sickness of my mind, whatever, there was indeed a part of me that still wanted to drink and drug. If there wasn't, it would never have been difficult to set it down and not pick up again. I wouldn't have needed help to stay quit. It wouldn't have hurt. I wouldn't have needed God's power to do for me what I could not do for myself. Today, nearly seven years later, there are still moments, flashes of foolish thinking, where a drink or drug sounds nice, like a good idea, or like something that would feel good or help in some situation or another. Foolishness, and quickly dismissed and ignored, these thoughts are proof that there will always be a part of me that will tend toward self destruction and the addictions I have found freedom from should I choose to step outside of God's will and renig on my surrender to Him for any length of time. When I stop walking with God, I walk into trouble, destruction and bondage.
No, there are still moments when the desire not to do or pick up any number of things that have had a hold on my life is not 100%. There are still times when I do want to and do sin. I am not yet perfect, and neither are you, and neither is our desire to walk rightly with God 100% and perfect. If it was, we wouldn't need His grace.
But we do need to be honest enough with ourselves to admit that it is 100% true that we can not control our selfish nature, that we can not stop sinning, that we can not stop, or stop starting, things that are bringing misery and destruction to our lives and relationships. We do have to come to the understanding that our ability to control and manage our life is an illusion, that we have never been able to do it well or long and that if something doesn't change we will only grow more miserable and sick, and the destruction in our life and relationships will only increase. There is no hope for us to fix ourselves on our own or stop the things we love and hate about ourselves and our lives. I write love and hate, because I didn't hate drinking and drugging. I loved it.
I loved how it made me feel, at times. I loved that it made certain things, like socializing and feeling like things were OK or would be OK possible. They were my friends and my security blanket, The hid and thwarted my insecurities and self loathing. They made life better. And they made life worse, hellish in fact. That part I hated. For every moment of love I felt and for every benefit they seemed to give, there were numerous moments and things that were horrors and killing me. It wasn't that I grew to hate what I loved about my addictions. It's that I came to completely understand that though there might be flashes of fun and pleasure and things I loved and wanted, the price was too high, and there was nothing I could do to prevent the bill from coming due. If I continued to use, I would end up alone, alienating myself from every relationship that mattered to me, I would see the inside of a prison again, or I would die sad, miserable, hurting and soon.
The ratio of pleasure to pain continued to grow more and more out of balance, the pain constantly increasing as the pleasure diminished. I might could slow or alter this ratio change slightly, but not for long. Life was not worth living and would not get better. This is what I had to believe 100% so that when I wanted to pick back up so much that it drove me insane to fight the desire, and that is exactly the hell the early days felt like, I would cry out to God for help, I would call mentors and fellows in recovery and do the work and whatever else I could to ignore and refuse the voice within that said just quit trying, quit fighting, you can try again later, but for now just go ahead and do it one more time.
You may not have to want to quit 100% to be successful, but you do need to understand 100% that it's not going to get better, that you're not going to suddenly attain control or be able to handle it, stop it or make it work or better yourself. You do need to want your life to be better and different. You do have to be ready to stop trying to run things and realize that your way is not working, has not been working and never will work. That must be 100% understood. And from that truth can come the desire to find and do the things that will work, that will make life worth living. It will be hard, and scary, and it will likely get and feel worse before it gets better, but it will get better. That has been my experience, and I believe it's true for you as well. 100%.
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