Unshackled Moments ~ January 31, 2017 ~ An Honest Life

Friday evening I spent some time with some people discussing recovery and the issue of people pleasing. As a child I was completely devastated and mostly controlled by the desire to please people. The opinions of others, or my perceptions of what others thought and felt, determined what I did more times than not, and often even controlled how and what I thought. Even when I realized I could never be good enough, normal enough, or something enough to be accepted, fit in, and have people like me for me and went the opposite route, the opinion of others still pulled my strings because much of what I did came out of motivations like you think I'm bad now when I'm trying to be good? I'll show you bad! And of course the See all that I am doing that you don't like or are disgusted by? See how this shows that I don't need you or care what you think? Both of which are caring desperately what others think.

Worry about what others think is not a war that is completely over for me and from time to time I find myself ambushed by remnants I thought had been destroyed. Suddenly I'll find myself not saying or doing something because of how someone may react and what it might make them think, feel or say about me. Or I'll stop and check my motives for saying or doing something and see that I am presenting an image, trying to impress or manipulate others to think what I'd like them to about me. Wow, look how smart, caring, kind, whatever, that guy is... But thankfully it doesn't happen often, and it's not even close to what it used to be like.

Before I continue, I do want to make one thing clear. It's not bad to consider others. We should. I should care about whether something I say or do might hurt you, cause you to stumble, make you doubt the love of God for you or drive you away or keep you from relationship with Him. In fact, when it comes to others, that is very important. Everything I do should  be to show you God's glory, great love for you, power to free and restore you, and the life worth living that surrender to His will provides. I fail at that regularly, because I still get in the way. But that is the goal. So it's not a screw you, I don't care what you think or how what I do makes you feel attitude that I am advocating at all. But there is a huge difference between wanting to show you Jesus and let His love shine to you through me and wanting and needing to be liked and accepted by people so that I won't feel rejected or marginalized or despised.

During the discussion Friday, I realized that I didn't overcome this desire to please others. The bondage to the opinions of others stopped as God set me free of other things. I didn't sit down and decide that I needed to be less concerned with and less motivated by needing approval from people. Freedom came as a byproduct of relationship and the spiritual principles that help facilitate and maintain that relationship. I learned a lot from this. Had I sought to free myself from the bondage of people pleasing, it would have been a struggle and fight. But by seeking relationship with Jesus first, before and above my relationship with people, if happened naturally.

This freedom came about because of two main truths, ideas, practices. First is submission and surrender to God. When my primary desire is to please Him and be of maximum service to Him, then my service to others and my interaction with others becomes God focused more so than self or people focused. If I am determined to obey God by grace and do His will, then it is His pleasure I seek. How someone else may think or feel about me at that point naturally becomes less important. There is no but God, if I do that they will think I'm foolish hindrance to me when my love for Him is more important than my cares about what people think.

The second thing to destroy the hold of other's opinions is the principle of rigorous honesty. You can not be honest and truthful with yourself about why you're doing something without seeing that you're trying to impress people, or earn the approval of others or, worse, earn God's affection, approval and or love. When you're motives are wrong then rigorous honesty with yourself will show that, and surrender to Him will cause you to seek to be changed, either your behavior or motives. Being honest with others makes it impossible to pretend to be something or someone that you are not. And being honest with God causes us to acknowledge our shortcomings in this (and other areas) and admit that we need help and grace because we can't purify our motives or stop the natural instinct to seek the approval of people rather than seek to please God on our own.

While living a life of rigorous honestly will help and improve most relationships, it isn't always an easy process to establish. Setting boundaries in a few areas can make it easier to maintain the freedom that comes both from serving Christ rather than being a slave to the approval of others and from freedom from addictions, habitual sin and secret sin. Those living in a constant battle with shame and bondage learn to be dishonest, often especially with themselves, in self defense.

It is critical to have honesty in all our relationships, from the casual encounter to the interactions with those closest to us. Authenticity in relationships is critical both to the health of the relationship and to continued freedom. This is not an excuse to be cruel or unloving. It's not about turning off our filter and being harsh with truth. Sometimes it's about letting God transform truth. There is someone that I have to interact with from time to time who really annoys me. It is such a fight to be patient and kind. Most times if I do not check myself first, rigorous honesty would demand that I be honest about not wanting to be around or help this person. Previous patterns of dishonesty would have me pretending or faking niceness in an effort to seem like a good guy, while inside I loathed the situation. Neither are acceptable or loving. But what I can do, what I must do, is pray before these interactions for patience and for God to change my heart and give me the compassion and love of Christ for this individual. When I am nice and listen to what they are saying and or serve them in some way, it is not me pretending to be kind or acting as though I like someone I don't. It is the grace of God enabling me to truly care for and loving this person.

This is one example of why it is important to be aware of my motives and to be honest with myself about my own emotions. We need to set that boundary that demands that we be honest with ourselves about how we feel. It is OK to feel, and denying the truth or trying to push away emotions that we do not desire is not healthy nor helpful. I can not be honest and authentic in my relationship with the above person if I am not able to first admit the truth of how I feel about the relationship and that I, in and of myself, would much rather eliminate the relationship rather than change my heart. The correct response is not to try to change my own heart and force myself to enjoy or care for someone that I don't. The correct response is to be honest with myself and God about how I feel, accept it and own it, and ask God to fill me with His love instead of attempting to manufacture my own compassion.

We must have boundaries in respect to accountability. We need to have at least one  person we are totally and completely transparent with regarding our struggles, fears, doubts, hopes and more. We must be emotionally open and honest with someone who can give us another perspective about how we feel about and see things, who can call us on living for self when we allow our feelings to get in the way of our submission, who can encourage us when we are living and loving as we should, and who can be good and trusted listeners when we are struggling with something.

And we can not allow ourselves to shift blame or make excuses when we fall short. Part of living honestly is accepting our part in what's wrong with our spiritual walk/life, our relationships and interactions with others and our mistakes in not walking within God's will and love for Him and others and instead living to  please ourselves, gratify our own desires or find a quick and easy fix for the fears, pain and stress of life.

When we hold ourselves to living within the boundaries of honesty with ourselves about our emotions, feelings and motivations, authenticity in our relationships and interactions with others, accountability and open to and with another person and quickness to acknowledge our shortcomings and accept responsibility, living an honest life becomes more and more easy and natural. It also eliminates the bondage of trying to please people and gain the approval of others.



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