For a second I wished for the bottle that I used to keep beside me as I slept so that I could wash down any bad dreams, but then I remembered with gratitude that I am free of that too. Then it hit me. Foolishness and self-pity were trying to make me believe that I am not so free after all. If I am free, why do I still have prison dreams that feel so real I wake with the taste of blood in my mouth? If I am free, why, after nearly six years, do I have to remind myself that I don't drink and drug any more? If I am free, why is it that the past several years of sobriety and ministry don't matter as much as a crime committed 15 years ago when it comes time to find a way to feed my family? I have a college degree and can't get a job. Blah, blah, blah. Whine, whine, whine. It goes on and on and it only gets more ridiculous and pathetic.
I decided to get up and try to shake off the funk, do my morning reading and write today's UM. I opened my email, and at the top of the unread list was an email from a minister who is currently living and ministering in the South Sudan. He told of the horrors they are seeing done over there. Tens of thousands have died, many more are starving, hiding in swamps for their lives or fleeing to huge, inadequate refugee camps because entire cities have been demolished and destroyed. Gary went on to write of the great opportunity that is there to reach these broken and frightened people with the hope that is found in Christ. He asked that I pray about sending something to help, and I thought. I know these guys are legit and the cause is real and great. Leah and I can probably come up with a little something to send.
And revelation hit me like a tidal wave. Satan and my messed up mind teaming up to trick me into living and feeling something that wasn't true, Trying to make me believe that I am not free and that my amazing life I love is actually not so worth living after all. What a load. I have it great, and not because I have it better than some refugees half way across the world. I have it great because the vast majority of the time my first thought in times of stress and trouble is to pray instead of use or drink and when the instinct is to reach for something it is never long before I can indeed remember that I don't have to live like that anymore. I have it great because I have a God who loves me and cares for me, because I know truth that defeats darkness and don't have to let lies, fears and condemnation override and alter reality. I am clean before my Lord, forgiven, free to have relationship with my Creator and no longer a slave to the things that once held me captive. The steel bars will not slam shut in my reality today and there will be peace rather than violence.
I have an awesome life so worth living. I wouldn't trade it for ease or any worldly solution to the struggles that it still has. And that's before I go to number two on my list of wondrous reasons to rejoice. I could spend hours telling you how amazing Leah is and how blessed I am to have her in my life. And the family, the friends, the roof, the food, the coffee, the....... There is so much more to be thankful for than to complain about. But I can not indulge in self pity and see it. Self pity is like wrapping yourself in sheets during a nightmare, winding so tightly that what started as a comfort and a search for safety turns into a binding and restrictive hindrance.
Self pity is not loving yourself. Listening to its siren's sounds will not bring beauty and comfort to life. Instead it will wreck you on the rocks. You have to choose not to listen. You have to look at life from a different perspective while tuning and blocking out that seductive voice. Self pity and the enemy do not care if you drown. They are not going to stop and shout April Fools! Just Kidding! They will revel in your misery as you die of thirst sitting within reach of water. No matter how rough it is, it is always better than self pity will sing, and there is always hope and freedom freely available in Christ.
Today let us leave self pity stranded and alone, kicked to the curb. No fooling, there is a better life available without her.
Today's Unshackled Echo was previously published on
April 1, 2016.
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