If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
- p. 83-84 Alcoholics Anonymous
So begins the section of what is referred to as The Promises, but is really only a handful of promises made for those who work the spiritual steps to recovery. There are quite a few others scattered throughout the book, and I have found the promises have come true for me, or at least mostly true, most of the time.
Still, sometimes circumstances are rough, difficult or, at the very least, uncomfortable, because of mistakes we've made. Sometimes it's just life. Most days I am happy and feel free. Others not so much. I have few regrets these days, but the past is an image with two, at least, possibilities.
Sometimes I see the frog in the pond. Other times I see the horse. Sometimes I see one, then the other, and then even both at the same time. There are times when I, without shame or fear, can proclaim that I messed up to the point of spending seven and a half years in prison. The past doesn't hold me. It is the word of my testimony that is combined with the blood of the Lamb that defeats the enemy. It is my experience that can benefit others. I'm grateful that I am no longer where I once was or who I was, and I am grateful that the crap I've done and been through isn't just stinky waste any more but can fertilize growth and new life in both myself and others. It is because of this that I am not ashamed of my story. It's not simply airing my dirty laundry to talk of drinking and drugging and pain and misery and overdoses and suicide attempts and dead friends and destroyed relationships and prison bars and all that goes with all of it. It's not foolish pride in being bad either. It's a simple understanding that it is my weakness that shows He is strong. It is my slavery that allowed Him to demonstrate His deliverance. My failure showed off His faithfulness. And everything about me that made me unlovable, worthless, seen as less then, simply shows that He really does love us all. If He could love me at my worst, I promise there is nothing in you that would make you unlovable to Him.
My past is a nice before and after. There is the life of misery and pain, both to myself and others, that was all about me. There was no one around me that I didn't hurt and damage, some very badly. There was almost no line I wouldn't cross, and I've been places that most people would never go, even drunk or high, and done things that should never have been done. But most times, there isn't shame associated with that. If the time and place is right, if God tells me to share even the worst of it to help someone else, I will. I'm in pretty good company. King David had some particularly ugly dirty laundry aired for the world for thousands of years, and he was a man after God's own heart.
But there are times when the promises feel less true. Realize I didn't say they were, just that they feel that way. When I woke this morning I felt I regretted the past and desperately wanted to close the door on it. I couldn't comprehend the word serenity or anything much through the mind fog. It took me a few minutes to really get my bearings and feel rooted in reality, much less think clearly. I didn't feel like I knew anything about peace.
I forgot to make my coffee last night, so it took longer than usual for my caffeine levels to be at proper body and mind functioning levels. It actually took twice as long, because the first pot I didn't make coffee. I made hot water. Yep, I forgot the coffee part of the equation and had to start over. I walked away when I turned the pot on, so I didn't know until the machine beeped it was done. But maybe my forgetting to make coffee was a God thing. If not, it's another example of Him being able to use anything, even mistakes, for our good and His glory.
Because of my mistake I had to get a coffee cup out of the cupboard. I don't normally drink coffee out of a mug because I don't drink it hot. Since it's room temperature in the morning after being made the night before, I can drink it out of a large glass, a two-liter bottle or whatever will hold most or all of the pot at once. Not so this morning. I grabbed one of Leah's mugs that has Peace on the side of it.
I wasn't feeling peaceful. I spent the night fighting in my sleep. I am grateful for my testimony, and I don't wish too close the door on the past or pretend it doesn't exist, but I refer for it to stay in the past. I do desire to close the door on the dreams. I do wish to close the door on things that take me back emotionally to the trauma and hypervigilance of those days. There are consequences that I wish I didn't still have to deal with. And there are times when it all comes back that I don't feel much peace.
It hit me this morning though as I poured m first cup of coffee into the Peace mug that the promise of recovery is not that I would feel peace or know about peace. I can and do know peace. I am at peace with God Himself. We are no longer at war, and He is no longer my enemy. I am at peace with who I was and what I've done and who I am becoming. I can have serenity within, even in the midst of the hurricane of life. Most of all, I know peace because I have a relationship with the Prince of Peace. There may be consequences and scars of the past that are never removed on this side of eternity, but today I have a refuge I can run to.
Maybe my PTSD is the thorn in my side that isn't healed so that I don't forget, so that my heart continues to break for those I minister to who are where I once was or in danger of going there. Maybe I only get to manage the symptoms rather than have full recovery so that I can show how God is faithful and demonstrates His love even when the healing doesn't come. Maybe last night will be the last night of terror. Either way, there is peace in Him.
There is a happiness that comes from knowing that the past is gone and I have been made new, even when the ghosts are screaming in my ear. I don't have a need to try to drink or drug reality away, because my reality is that, regardless of what else is going on, I am at peace with my Creator, and His love is a place of refuge and safety and rest. The promises of recovery are true only because they are not found in a program but in relationship with the One who came to set the captive free and make it possible to have a peace that passes understanding.
I don't know what you may be going through, but no matter where you've been or what you've done, God is not out to get you for it. He is actively pursuing peace with you, and He desires to be your place of refuge from the storms of life and the hurricanes of regret and memory. He can use your mess in such a glorious way that you actually can be grateful for it. This is not a change of perspective. This is a paradigm shift and a new reality. New life, life worth living, full of peace, joy and love is yours, if you want it.
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