But mainly I just stayed in bed and thought about how I didn't want to get up. I tied to evaluate my lethargy and lack of motivation. I didn't want to get up or write anything. I don't want to go to the jail to visit with the two guys I need to see there, whom I told I would come this week. I don't want to work on my message for tomorrow, because I don't really want to preach. I don't feel like doing anything. It's not just ministry stuff I don't have any desire to do, it's anything and everything except being lazy with Leah.
I'm really not sure where this came from or why, but I've been on this downward spiral since Sunday. It's hard to talk about for two reasons. First, I don't know. I have no answers or explanations. I can't say what's wrong because I simply don't know. And that in itself is frustrating. The second reason is more foolish. You don't ever hear about or read writing from ministers who don't want to minister, or do chores, or help anyone, or socialize or listen or talk or anything. Preachers put forth this image of having all the answers and having it all together and rarely admit to struggle or doubt or confusion or weakness. But I'm not that kind of minister. I have THE ANSWER, His name is Jesus, but I don't have all the answers, nor do I always know how to apply Him to my need. I know to turn to Him rather than away. I've learned that one from experience, but I don't know how to snap out of it, to lift the funk, or make everything instantly better.
They will know that we are followers of Christ by our love. It's not because we can quote scripture or pray well or write or preach or give good advice or don't do things off of society or religion's naughty list, or dress a certain way or anything else but love. Love God and love others. That's how we know we are His. But what I am grateful for this morning is that love is an action, not just emotion. I don't feel very loving right now. I don't really want to see anyone except Leah. I don't want to reach out and show love to anyone or to serve or help anyone. What I want to do is be selfish and wallow. Just being honest. But it isn't about what I want.
I took a nap Sunday and slipped into soul sucking terror. Seriously, I can't remember what I dreamed about, but it was rough. I know that I have nightmares pretty regularly and rarely sleep well, but this felt different. For one thing, I couldn't wake up. I only remember one flash from it, and that was something literally siphoning off something from me. I woke with dream hangover, dragging. I could barely make myself go feed the animals. It's like I have been moving in slow motion for days. I have done the bare minimum, even skipping my meeting last night because I just didn't feel like going. It's ridiculous to think that emotion reaction and leftovers from a dream two days ago is still draining and effecting me, but perhaps.
There is also the sadness from the loss of someone who has helped me a lot over the past nine years and who I cared about and respected greatly. I heard the news of the death of this special woman, this respected elder who was among the first to make feel I had a place in the rooms despite my past, Saturday, and it caught me be surprise and gut punched me. Her funeral is this afternoon, and I don't want to go, but I wouldn't miss it. I want to say goodbye to woman who taught me so much, including that it is possible to walk through a crap storm without getting any on you. That's important. We tend to think that we're always supposed to be able to quiet the storms or avoid them or make them go away if we have faith, but sometimes the greatest act of faith is trusting God and continuing through the day in His will while the storm continues to rage. The storm is not a sign that you're out of God's will, living wrong, don't believe or don't have enough faith. It's a sign that the effects of the curse still exist and we live in a broken, fallen world with crap storms. But we don't have to get covered in it. We don't have to wallow in it. We don't have to embrace it or give up the journey just because we're struggling to see the sun or the Son.
I didn't learn that from a preacher. I learned it from a straight talking lady who had been sober for about as many decades as I drank and drugged. I learned it from a woman who had the respect of the wealthy and influential and old families in this old East Texas Town and who cold hobnob with the business people and at the same time was well-liked and respected and known by the low, the fallen, and the gutter crawlers like me, because she never took her freedom and left the captives behind. She faithfully, for three decades, continued to go into the rooms and give back to the people, and especially the women, who came in behind her. She sat in her spot with a cigarette in her hand and the truth on her tongue and told it like she saw it, lived it and believed it.
She's still helping me. Her voice finally got me up and going and being transparent and honest with what I am sharing today. It's hard sometimes to know what we are supposed to do, what is the will of God. LaDonna knew about that too. She used to say that she didn't always know what God's will was, but she usually knew what it wasn't. She knew it wasn't God's will for her to be hateful, selfish or drunk. So she would try not to do those things, pray and ask for guidance, an intuitive thought about what to do, and just do the next right think in front of her. That's what helped me get up this morning. I kept hearing her say it's not God's will for you to wallow. It doesn't matter if it's raining crap or what you do or don't feel like doing. Do the next right thing. The next right thing for me this morning was to do what I've been told to do, write this, and not pretend to have it all together when I don't, but be transparent about the struggle so that when the storm has finally passed God can have even more glory.
We never graduate. We never become so spiritually fit that we know everything and have instant access to all the solutions and comforts and life becomes easy and full of rainbows and unicorns. Life is hard at times. We struggle. Sometimes we don't feel like doing anything. Sometimes we don't feel like taking care of or serving others or our responsibilities. We just want to take a break from the world. We want to indulge self. We want the cup to pass from us without pain, misery, fear or death. But it doesn't always work that way. The next right thing is to die to self, to leave self crying in the garden while we say not my will but Yours to Daddy and rising up and continuing through whatever struggle and or pain and or whatever else uncomfortable we are going through for the next few minutes or the next few days or for however long it takes.
That's love. Love isn't hearts and candy and being blissfully unaware in a cocoon of two as the world around us goes to hell. Love is saying it doesn't matter what self wants, it doesn't matter how I feel, I'm going to use the power God gives me (grace) to do what I know I am supposed to do, to do what is right and right in front of me and to not do what I know I shouldn't. I don't know what else I need to do, but that's enough for now. I'll just keep doing that until the storm ends, and I'll come out the other side clean instead of in another mess caused by indulging self, covered in crap. I'll be able to look up and see the Son shining down on me and see the signs that He was always there, behind the clouds. Thank you LaDonna. A friend said that you taught him to pray, and I can't imagine a better eulogy or remembrance than that, unless it was showing us how to get up and love and do even when you don't feel like it.
This site is free. If this blessed, helped and or informed you, the best thing you can do is pass it on via the social buttons below. And please subscribe or follow Unshackled Life Ministries on Facebook.
Unshackled Life Ministries is grateful for every person that reads the daily Unshackled Moments, the weekly Unshackled Echo and or listens to the Audio Messages. I want to thank those who have clicked "like" on something that blessed or ministered to them on social media, commented on the blog or replied to an email subscription. It is encouraging to know that God is using this ministry to help and bless others. Please remember that if God used something from this ministry to help, encourage or bless you, it could also bless someone else. Would you help get the devotions and sermons to more people by sharing this? Hitting the share button or forwarding this to a friend will help us reach more people with the good news of freedom and the encouragement to live an Unshackled Life. Thank you and God bless.
No comments:
Post a Comment