For some reason I have tried repeatedly to change my behavior through controlling my thoughts. I would go through my day, almost on auto-pilot, doing the same things, the same actions, as always and then try to bend my thoughts to control my actions when temptation hit. It doesn't work. I've been thinking about this off and on for a couple of days now.
Why? Because two days ago Facebook showed me a memory from seven years ago on April 18, 2010. I posted that I was two days sober and still hungover. I felt so grateful that I never had to do this to myself again. I have a vague recollection of this nightmare. I got bad drunk, as in alcohol poisoning trashed and had a moment of clarity that I was killing myself...again. I swore it off. I would get sober again. I knew what to do. I had done it before and had 15 months clean and sober before I relapsed. I was right in thinking that I never had to go through such pain and self destruction again, but I was wrong in thinking that I wouldn't. I wanted to quit again. I needed to. I was hurting. And yet, my sobriety date is not in April. I didn't get sober for another month after this post.
I tried to think my way into different action. But nothing worked until I ignored the conflicting thoughts racing through my messed up mind and dove into the actions that I had done before that resulted in sobriety. As I put in the work, did the action, regardless of whether or not I thought it would help, work or made sense, my mind began to clear and my thoughts began lining up with the actions I was taking.
It hit me this morning that Jesus understood this. He said that those who wanted to be His disciples must deny themselves, take up their cross and follow Him. I use this often. It's one of my favorite passages of what it means to follow Jesus and have new life. We must deny self because selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of our spiritual problems that bear the fruits of addictions, sin and separation from God. Even more, we have to embrace the death of self, take up our cross. And we have to follow in His footsteps, do what He did, namely surrender to the will of our Heavenly Daddy, love Daddy and love others.
But this morning I saw a little deeper. What are we doing by denying self? We are refusing to give audience or attention to our own thoughts and will. Who I am is wrapped up in what I think. It is my thoughts that define my self. Jesus didn't say to follow Him is to control my self or redirect my thoughts. He said deny self. Reject self. Ignore the screaming in my mind and the messed up thinking that I know doesn't work but still can't stop trying on my own. When the thoughts continue to try to intrude, I bring in the cross, self you are dead to me, it is no longer I that live but Christ in me, and I don't have to do what I think is best or will work or even want any more. Then, instead of changing my thinking, I follow Jesus, I do what He did.
Daddy, I'm hurting and afraid and I can't quiet my mind. I want to do things my way. I want to do what I've always done and hope for a different and better result. I want to manipulate reality to bring more comfort and ease. But I surrender trusting that Your way is better. Not my will but Yours. Help me to do the next right thing, help me to love You and love others, help me to do Your will as I rise up from here to continue with my day.
This is not a thought process. It is an act. An act of surrender. An act of prayer and connection with Daddy. As we act in accordance with surrender and by grace do what is right, loving God and others, our thoughts become transformed from selfish to spiritual. By spiritual thinking I mean that I begin wanting what He wants, I begin desiring to do what He desires for me. And I begin loving who and the way He loves because it isn't my self that's doing it but the love and power of the Spirit acting through me.
I can not make my thoughts obedient or loving. I can't make my self want to do what's right and have that direct my actions into what is right. But I can surrender to the point of death to self, even ignoring when my thoughts, the ghost of self, are continuing to run contrary to what I need to do. By giving the Spirit control rather than trying to control self, I am given the power to act differently than my natural inclinations and thoughts. And as my actions change, my thinking changes to line up with the new way of doing things.
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