I know that I shouldn't be anxious about anything, including what is right, so if I am, maybe I need to look at my motives a little more closely. So, I want to do what's right, the next right thing...But why? What is the motive for that? Is it to try to be loving, to love God and others? Is it to give God glory, or in recovery language, bear witness to those I would help of His power, His love and His way of life? Or is it because I want to look good, to present myself in a certain light, to gain approval or acceptance from people, or to manipulate people's opinions of me with my actions?
This is why my brain hurts sometimes. And what deep or significant matter sent me off on the above tangent this morning? As I sat and started my day, I glanced through Twitter and Facebook to share a few things and see if something would kick start my writing motor with a topic. No luck on the inspiration front, but I didn't really expect there to be. My themes rarely come through that route. I left social media behind, and began my readings and morning meditation. Suddenly it hit me that I had clicked like on something I didn't like, or at least didn't like all of what the meme quoted. Here is where the quandary began.
As silly as it may seem to you, Dear Reader, and it seems absolutely ridiculous to me, I interrupted my morning routine to go back to my Facebook and debate myself for several minutes as to whether or not I should leave things as they were or remove my like from the post. If I only like a portion of the quote or saying and dislike the rest, am I being rigorously honest by clicking like? Which is the most honest answer, to say I like the statement or say I don't? There are no I like part of this and totally disagree with the rest buttons. But I haven't seen many posts from this particular person lately, it is obviously important to them to express this statement, and will they feel ignored if I don't somehow acknowledge that I saw and read it? Is it more important to be loving and supportive or to be rigorously honest? I guess I could remove the like and instead comment that I love the part I agree with and just not say anything about the part I think is bogus. And why am I stressing over this when this friend probably never thinks of me or remembers my name if they don't come across it, see it on a post or hear it spoken somewhere. I am probably not even a blip on the radar of their day. Why would they even care what I think? Is that the issue? Am I really worried about what is the right and loving thing to do or am I worried about and or trying to control what this person, and others who see the post, think about me, or even just trying to cause them to think about me at all? What is my motivation?
Are you laughing? Are you wondering just how insane is this guy? Or are you feeling a little kinship with my crazy? Perhaps you are thinking that I am surely making a mountain out of a mole hill, and I would tend to agree. On the other hand, even the things that seem silly, innocent or barely register with us can effect others and make an impact in the lives of someone else. A small rock, when tossed, can make a big splash and cause many ripples on the surface of a pond.
Less than a week ago, a friend of mine posted something publicly that I commented on. A relative of mine, who is not a friend of the poster and only saw the post because I commented that I agreed with the meme, evidently took offense or was bothered by my agreement. The relative unfriended me after informing me they were going to because they disagreed with what I had said. At the time, I found the entire situation amusing. This, to me, felt like someone overhearing a conversation they weren't really a part of and getting upset over it and over reacting. Have we really become so sensitive that we can't be friends with relatives if we don't completely agree on every issue? It's silly. But now I have to ask myself if my concern this morning isn't connected to the events of the other day.
Maybe I am looking at this too hard, but motivations do matter. Upon examining my actions over the last few days, I have made several comments on posts where this relative and I have both interacted solely to show that I am not mad about being unfriended, to show myself being friendly and respectful to someone who wasn't either with me. But why? To be a good friend? To be an instrument of God's love? Or to cause the person to rethink their actions or to see how foolish it is to cut someone off over something that doesn't effect things on an eternal level?
As embarrassing as it is to admit, upon reflection, I can see that for several days I have been trying to control my image in the perception of this relative. I have been attempting to control how this person sees, thinks and responds to me through my actions and comments. Foolishness. And doing this has now bled over into the way I interact with others. I have slipped on the banana peel of trying to please others and influence how they think of me. And that is the wrong motivation, even if and when I am trying to appear supportive, loving and forgiving.
The more you try to control others, the more they control you. This is true, even when they aren't even thinking about you. You become a puppet whose strings are pulled by the opinions, or the perceived opinions, of people rather than a real person. It's a mask, A farce. We are called to be real. My motivation should be to be submitted to God and be a light of His love and compassion. Not to become fake and have what I do and say be controlled by my desire to control and influence others. So, the crazy quandary of this morning actually served a purpose, It caused me to examine myself and my motives and to see where I have recently gotten off track.
Now I have a new course of action. I can repent of my people pleasing motives and my attempt to control others. I can pray for my relative and stop attempting to influence the relationship. I can truly let it go. And the situation that made me think? The concern over liking only part of a meme? Well, that's just silly and not worth worrying about.
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