When Be Yourself popped into the forefront of my mind, I pulled it up on You Tube and gave it a listen. I am thankful for that reminder. God uses different things to speak to and teach different people. My mom may not ever learn anything from Cornell and probably hasn't heard his music. I on the other hand have been greatly effected by so many of his songs. For years I was a chameleon, who changed and blended with my surroundings. In recovery, as I began to try, by grace, live a life of rigorous honesty, I learned at nearly 40 years of age that it's OK not to pretend and that it's important to just be who God made me to be. Be Yourself reminded and encouraged me to be more transparent and true to who I was and what I was going through. And remembering that this morning helped me to get past my writer's block.
Not every moment is some deep spiritual experience or lesson. Sometimes what is on my mind and heart doesn't have a scripture reference. That's part of who I am, and that's OK. All I can do is be myself and be transparent. I don't have to pretend to be thinking of only deep spiritual things. No, my mind is on the many songs that touched my life and the awareness that there will be no new ones from Cornell.
I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking of my recovery. That's because yesterday was my sobriety birthday, seven years clean and sober. I'm grateful for it. It feels ironic to me that Cornell died last night, because he was a huge part of my recovery. He helped me pray. at a crucial time when I couldn't.
That may sound odd. Cornell's music is not Christian, and I do not know what he believed. But no matter what is intended by the artist, we filter what we see and hear and experience through our own hearts and our own beliefs. It colors and changes what art means to us personally. I have been open about how my recovery fell apart in 2010 after 15 months. Really it began to fall apart at just over a year. It just took a while for me to actually pick up and use.
For those who haven't heard it before, I got mad at God. I became hurt and so angry after someone close to me went back out after three and a half years clean. We buried him two weeks later. He didn't have another recovery after relapse. His family was evil towards him in the name of Christ, and this felt like another blow on top of the tragic loss. I blamed God, and I hardened my heart toward Him because of the anger and hurt caused by people who were misrepresenting Him. As my relationship with God faltered, my recovery failed, and I relapsed.
When I returned, the chance I got that Andrew didn't, I knew that I had to stop blaming God for the actions of people. I knew that my key to a life worth living was in relationship with Him, and I knew that He loved me. What I didn't know was how to get past the hurt, how to let go of the anger. I couldn't bring myself to talk to God, to pray and meditate and do those things that would bring conscious contact with Him. But I knew I needed to.
The prayer I found I could pray went along these lines. Lord, I know you love me, and I need you, but I can't get past this. I don't want to die; help me. Nothing happened. I felt no different. Shortly after that though, I put on some music and heard Cornell's voice belting out Show Me How To Live. I don't know what was in his heart and mind when he sang that. But for me it became a way to express my anger and yet still cry out for help and relationship. You gave me life. Now show me how to live. I played that song over and over. It truly was a prayer for me, and God answered it.
I got honest with myself and God. Maybe it wasn't right to be angry at God and to blame Him for the choices of people, including Andrew's choices and my own as much as the ones of his parents, but it was honestly where I was emotionally. I couldn't let it go and get past it while trying to pretend it away. Instead of acknowledging and dealing with the anger that put a wall between my Heavenly Daddy, and me, I had been trying to push the feelings down and aside. How could I go to God for help, how could I rebuild that essential relationship if I was yelling at Him? I had to act like I wasn't mad so that I could get close, right? Wrong. That's not truth, and God knew how I felt. He's a big God, and He can handle our misplaced anger and our temper tantrums.
I spent a little time screaming at God. Then, when I was worn out and exhausted from the fit, He wrapped me in His arms and let me feel His love, His compassion for my pain, and His forgiveness and acceptance. That's when I was able to get past my emotions and my stupid blame game, and say I'm sorry Lord. I know it wasn't right to blame You because of the pain I feel from exercising my will over Yours and from other people doing that too. I began to heal. Relationship became restored, and seven years later not only am I still clean and sober, I am more convinced than ever of Daddy's amazing love for me and for you. He has shown me how to live and given me a life worth living. And he used that song to get me to the place where I could express the pain of my heart and my anger so that He could take it away from me.
God used a donkey to speak to a prophet in the Old Testament. He uses ministers and spiritual things to talk to us, but He also uses the secular and the natural, because it's all His creation, and there is no real separation from our spiritual and secular lives. The truth is that they are intertwined. We don't have our morning or evening spiritual time, or our church time, and then go on to our work or play or whatever without our spirit effecting the rest of our life or without the rest of our life effecting the spirit, no mater how much we may want to divorce the two at times. This was a precious and critical time for me when God used the secular to draw me closer to Himself. I am so grateful for it, and I am grateful for the music of Chris Cornell. My prayers go out for his family and friends, and my prayers of thanksgiving go out for the impact his music had on my life, including other songs and other times than what I shared here this morning.
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