Speak I am here
Take my hand and hold me near
Cause hope feels so far
Please remind me of who You are
Please remind me of who You are
When my faith becomes a battle
I will find You in the shadow
You are with me always
You are with me always
When my eyes can’t see
I know You are here with me
Love called for me
When my heart and flesh felt weak
Hope it carried me
Over death into victory
And now I stand in Your victory
As faithful as the stars at night
As endless as the heavens height
Your mercy floods like morning light
You’re with me
You never left and You never will
You never left and You never will
You never left and You never will
- With Me Always by LIFE Worship
I woke with a start early this morning, feeling as though I should throw a punch or something and with my stomach twisted in knots. Dreams. Sometimes they suck. I needed to go back to sleep. It was far too early to be getting up, and I haven't gotten nearly enough rest lately. But I dreaded the idea of returning to the terror I'd just escaped. As I lay in bed trying to slow my heart beat and quiet my soul, With Me Always began playing on my mental jukebox. Before long I drifted back off to sleep, and to different dreams. I am grateful.
Closer to when I should be waking, I woke again, and this time I got up, kissed my wife good morning, poured up some Magic Elixir of Waketitude, and prepared to begin my day. Because today would have been Leah's brother Brian's birthday and it is also the four year anniversary of her being baptized, Leah and I spent a few minutes reminiscing and talking about this day in our lives. I loaded up my memories on Facebook and saw where we were thankful for my cousin Rene a few years ago and for the baby raccoon she told us we could have. I also saw where I had posted the Wish You Were Here video by Pink Floyd in Brian's memory. I reshared it.
Then, I scrolled a bit further down and saw two things that I posted seven years ago today. Finally starting to feel almost human again...think I'm going to make it all the way through work tonight, which is good. Frustrated. I walked off and left my phone at home though, sigh, so if anyone is trying to get a hold of me, that's why you can't. And about six hours later, need a meeting, sigh. On this day in 2010, I had tried to return to what I knew, what worked, where I had found freedom. It would be another nine days before retracing my steps would enable me to quit picking up drink and drug, but I was trying. The relapse after 15 months clean and sober had nearly killed me. I was afraid it still might. This amazing woman named Leah was commenting on my post that she was glad that I was feeling better, and our conversations encouraged me and made me think that it might be a good idea for me to stay alive. I knew if I were going to live, I had to get clean and sober again. My friends Emily and Jan were holding my cash for me. The dope house cried to me like a Siren, and I couldn't be trusted with money. There were other friends who helped. But it was God who made the miracle happen and set me free.
As faithful as the stars at night. That sounds awesome. There's no doubt that God was faithful and there with me as I returned to the spiritual path that I had been called to walk, as I, the prodigal, returned home, He was faithful to forgive and receive me. But that line also speaks to our limited perspective. Those stars are burning the same and just as brightly and faithfully and in the exact same orbit at noon as they are at midnight. We don’t think about it or remember it during the day because the light of the star closest to us, the sun, keeps us from observing them, but they’re there doing the same thing they were doing before the sun came up and the same thing they’ll be doing when it sets again. He is faithful and with us always. He is God and His nature, power and love for us are the same and haven’t changed when we can easily see them and when distractions close to us mask or hide His light from our eyes.
God was just as faithful as I made the choices that led to my incarceration. He was there, just as eager for my return, in those days in the cage that still haunt my dreams. He was with me when I got clean and sober on Christmas day, 2008 and when I relapsed 15 months later. And when I got clean and sober again two months after that. He was just as faithful on the good days as the bad, when I was faithful to follow Him and when I rebelled. He is faithful to me, to you, to love, to who He is. Day and night. Good times and bad. He is with us always,
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
- Psalm 139:8
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