There are some who do not like the idea of calling addiction a disease and who do not like calling habitual sin addiction. I understand why, because it seems to relieve the sufferer of the responsibility to fight and it seems to serve as an excuse to continue in the behavior. It can seem like that to those outside looking in, and to those going through it. I use the word seems here for a reason.
One of the reasons that I had such a hard time coming back to recovery after my relapse and binge of Spring 2010 is I felt like a failure, and I felt powerless. Now, in one sense, that's a good thing. That's where we need to be to find freedom from addictions and from any kind of habitual sin as well. Why? Because we are powerless over sin and our own nature, over self. We need the power of the Spirit to walk with God. We can't do it on our own strength, will, determination or power. If we get out there trying, we will fail. We can't do it. So understanding that we failed again and still can't, never will be able to, do it on our own is a good thing. It does not give us an excuse. It doesn't equate with don't fight or don't try...unless.
Unless? Yes. Unless what? We can't set ourselves free and keep ourselves free. God can and will if He is sought. There is a reason the period isn't after will. The prodigal found restoration in the father's love and forgiveness, but he returned home, he sought the father. It is only when we abide, stay and live in, the word of God that we will know truth and be made free (John 8:32). It is the truth that freed us, frees us and continues to keep us free, and since Jesus is the way, the truth and the life, it is Jesus who frees us. And so what happens when our pride, our rebellion, our shame, our whatever gets in the way of our relationship with Jesus?
We know what we need to do, and for whatever reason we don't want to, or can't seem to, run to Daddy. What then? Well, then, we are trying to take those spiritual steps and practice those spiritual principles on our own, in our own strength and on our own power. Maybe we feel ashamed we didn't use the grace and power we know we have through the Spirit and we missed the mark again. But somehow, after making a mistake, we compound it by buying the lie that we need to clean up our mess and show our sincerity by doing it right for a while before we return to Daddy's home. We get repentance mixed up with power.
Part of me wanted to do what I did. Part of me enjoyed it. I didn't even fight, or I didn't fight hard enough. So I must not really be sorry. I must not really want recovery or freedom or to walk with God and not sin. So, I shouldn't return to God and say I surrender until I am really ready and until I know it's 100% true. To show it's true, that I really want it, I'm going to try really hard to do what's right and show God how much I want to serve Him and obey.
At which point we enter the battle to fight on our own, and it doesn't take long before we are exhausted and the light dawns that we are going to lose. That thought comes that, for me, is something along the lines of you know you're going to cave, you're going to do it tomorrow or the next day or the next week and it's going to be an exhausting fight until you finally lose. Aren't you tired of the fight? Since you know you can't win anyway, why not just give in and do whatever now. You'll feel a little sad and guilty, but at least the hopeless fight will be over. And next? Relapse. Sin. That's the disease idea, the hopelessness and powerlessness of addiction being used to just give in and do it already, to not try.
But the problem isn't with the label or definition. The problem, as with the sin itself, is with the relationship to Daddy. If I can't do it on my own but feel like I need to do it to show God and others that I am repentant and serious, I'm screwed. I felt ashamed that I had walked so far outside of the will of God that I had relapsed, and that made it hard to return home spiritually. I also still had the anger that had caused me to take back my will. I was angry at God, and the trust I had in Him and for Him had been damaged. And that made it nearly impossible to relay on Him. So, for a few weeks after I decided to return to recovery, I kept failing. I said no more. I know what to do and where to go. I have to get clean and sober again or I'll die, and I don't want to die. And then I didn't get clean or sober for almost a month. Why? Because I was trying to do the next right thing, to walk the spiritual principles I knew without really climbing back into relationship with or totally relying on God. It didn't work. There's no way it could, You don't get the benefits of relationship with God without relationship with God.
When I came to that place of brokenness where I was no longer trying to rebuild my sobriety, when I was no longer simply trying to break the chains of bondage, stop engaging in bad habits, walk free of sin, however you wish to describe it, but instead sought Him, focused on rebuilding that relationship and having that conscious contact with Daddy that I found myself free again. It's one of those ironies. If we're seeking freedom first and foremost, we'll fall short. If we're seeking Jesus first and foremost, He will free us. But if we try to earn relationship with Him or prove we deserve it or His help or show we are serious about it by walking free for a while before we rely on Him totally and completely, then that while is going to end up being until we fail once more. We can't. He can and will if He is sought. May you find Him now.
Whether you've been free for years. Or if you are struggling with bondage where you walk free a little while and then fall and repeat that cycle over and over, or even if you failed so many times that you just quit fighting and embraced the shame of hopelessness and made that which you wanted freedom from a part of your life, the answer is Jesus. The solution, the way to get free and stay free is not in trying really hard or in searching for an answer to the problem. The solution is to search for the Answer. Seek first the kingdom of God, the reign of God in your life and relationship with Him (righteousness) and all these other things, those things you need like the power to not sin, and the desire to do what's right over and more than the desire to do wrong, like freedom, will be added to you.
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