But somehow, my heart received a different lesson. I heard that Jesus loves me, but I also heard that God loves what's good and right and perfect. Even at five years of age I had a clear understanding that I wasn't those things all the time, or very often, and when looking at the last thing or listening to the voices in my heard I felt I was never those things. When I was good or praised for being good, I felt like it was a lie, because I felt like I was pretending. But when I did something bad or wrong, I felt that was me really being me.
I believed in a God sitting in heaven looking down at me and constantly being disappointed and frustrated that I couldn't and wouldn't get my act together and be good, do what's right, learn to be perfect. Parents are God, or at least the reflection of God, in the eyes of little children. My Dad was perfect and could fix anything. My mother was the most wonderful and beautiful woman in the world. And, while they were very caring and loving, there were times, because I was not and am not perfect, where I needed to be disciplined. The thing is though, the worst part of the discipline was not being sent to my room or spanked. It was always that sad look of disappointment. Why? Why did you do that? Why did you act that way? Why did you disobey? You know what's right. so why did you choose to do wrong? You're smarter than that. But I wasn't smarter than that. I had already proved that I was not smart enough to control myself and make myself desire or able to do what was right all the time.
When I saw that look in their eyes, that sad look, I imagined it a hundred times more disappointed in the eyes of God. Then I imagined a look of frustration and disgust in the eyes of God. By the time I was 10, I bought the lie that God hated me. Why wouldn't He? I did. The people in the church who were supposed to be the body and expression of Jesus toward me sure seemed to. And, if they didn't hate me, they, at the least, were quick to let me know how much and often I fell short of being the good example and the reflection of my preacher daddy. Never mind my Heavenly Daddy. I couldn't live up to the image of my earthly father, who by that time I realized wasn't perfect, how could I even dream of living up to the example and person of Jesus?
I was the bad boy. The wrong boy. The disappointment and the let down. The bad example. Finally, I quit trying to be different and embraced that identity. Oh, I still tried to mask it and hide it from the church and my parents so that I wouldn't get in trouble as much or so my life would be easier and they would stay off my back, but in my heart was a defiant and resigned cry of I'll show you bad, Be good, and if you can't be good, then be good at being bad. This was the mantra I lived my life by before I even hit my teens.
This was a life full of fear and shame. Where was my focus? It was all about me. What I thought, felt, did, and how I saw others treating and responding to me. I saw God's love, or lack of it, as a reflection of the opinions of others and completely based upon my performance. Though I never heard that preached by my daddy, I knew it all hinged on what we did, if we were good. Whatsoever things are lovely, pure, true and of a good report, that's what we were supposed to think on, and that's what I never seemed to think about at all. I knew I couldn't measure up, and I knew the horrible opinions people had of me would be even worse if they knew the truth of just how bad, wrong and messed up my thinking, feelings and secret actions were.
I lived in constant fear. Fear of exposure. Fear of judgement. Fear that I deserved the bad things in my life and the pain because I was like the bad children of Israel who saw what God could do and knew He had chosen them but still chose to be bad. Fear that I was right about what I saw in the eyes of the people at church, and worse, fear that they were right.
Yoda was right that fear leads to hate, but he skipped a step. First, fear leads to shame. Shame leads to doubt. We doubt God's love. We doubt the power of grace. We finally doubt the gospel and the chance of having a relationship with Jesus. Then comes the hate,
But my focus was on self and on people. My identity was wrapped up in performance, specifically my performance. It is all about performance. But it's not our performance that is the issue. It is the performance of Jesus. It's all about what He did. When we look at our performance we have an innate understanding that we deserve judgment. It's scary. But over and over, even in the Old Testament, God's fist message when He draws near is to say fear not. Do not be afraid. I am with you. I am loving you. I will be your refuge and strength.
God loves me, and He loves you. He knows you can't be perfect. That is why He came and died in our place and made the great exchange of the perfectness of Jesus in place of the mess of our lives, hears, thoughts, motives, everything. When we look to the performance of Jesus and who God says we are as the source of our identity and value, everything changes. There is none good but God, so I guess it's true that I am not good, but God is. He gives us the power to become His children instead of His enemies. He is well pleased in Jesus, and because of Jesus I am forgiven of my failure. He makes us new and changes our nature, which means it isn't my job to do the impossible. He gives us the desire to do right and the power to obey and serve and love as Jesus loved. That's called grace.
The good news of the gospel is that God loves us and no longer looks at our performance. We don't have to be afraid. We don't have to be ashamed. We can walk with Daddy because Daddy loves us as we are and not as we should be, but He loves us enough not to leave us as we are. Our identity is not in what we do or what we've done, but in who Jesus is and what He has done on our behalf and in us and through us.
This site is free. If this blessed, helped and or informed you, the best thing you can do is pass it on via the social buttons below. And please subscribe or follow Unshackled Life Ministries on Facebook.
Unshackled Life Ministries is grateful for every person that reads the daily Unshackled Moments, the weekly Unshackled Echo and or listens to the Audio Messages. I want to thank those who have clicked "like" on something that blessed or ministered to them on social media, commented on the blog or replied to an email subscription. It is encouraging to know that God is using this ministry to help and bless others. Please remember that if God used something from this ministry to help, encourage or bless you, it could also bless someone else. Would you help get the devotions and sermons to more people by sharing this? Hitting the share button or forwarding this to a friend will help us reach more people with the good news of freedom and the encouragement to live an Unshackled Life. Thank you and God bless.
No comments:
Post a Comment