As I waited to have the biopsy done part of me went to that dark pit of self pity and despair that fear often causes in me. I was 41 years old, still relatively young. I had been clean and sober for just over two years for the first time since the age of 13. I had only been out of prison a little less than 4 years. I had a wonderful life with the love of said life for about the same length of time as my sobriety. I had two of the best years of my life after a long time of hell, misery, pain, fear and despairing of life. Things we finally looking up, so of course it was about time that I would lose the life worth living I had been given, and it would be slow and painful, one of my worst nightmares.
I saw the suggestion that a great thing to have on a bucket list was to find five things to be grateful for every day. Something in my spirit said yes! I decided to give it a go, and although I have taken breaks from positing the list on social media, the daily list of gratitude has been a part of my life since then. The growths in my chest were not cancer, but neither were they benign. In fact, the inflammatory disease discovered is still causing me problems. It's also in my eyes as well as my chest, and this morning I am struggling to see well enough to read my computer screen. But I have learned over the years that I have much to be grateful for., and it does help during those dark times of the soul.
This is on my mind because when I got up this morning I saw where two of my Facebook friends had a conversation about gratitude and the five things in the comment section. One friend who shares an affection for snakes and lizards and such with Leah and I asked a question that I wanted to answer here instead of on the original post, in case there are others who feel the same and have the same question. I hope she doesn't mind me doing it this way. She commented, "I'm in a dark place right now. How do you find five things to be positive about everyday? I read them and just wish I could have half your faith."
First, let me be honest and say that it isn't always easy. Sometimes it's downright difficult. Practicing gratitude is like exercising the spirit. If you're out of shape physically, walking a mile may be next to impossible, but if you walk regularly, it gets easier. Obviously this may not be true for someone in a wheel chair or what have you, but you get the idea. Whatever muscle you are working, if you work it regularly it gets stronger and using it becomes easier. Still there are days when sickness or circumstances can still make it hard.So sometimes it isn't easy.
Last night I struggled because I couldn't see well, and it physically hurt to search through my backup for some photos that are very important to me. They weren't there. Evidently they didn't make it to my secondary backup when my primary backup crashed a while back and are in the mix of many images Leah and I lost forever. That nearly devastated me. Today is the anniversary off a day that has been difficult for me for nearly 30 years, and the photos are tied to that. I wanted to cry and throw a fit and feel sorry for myself, but I did my spiritual gratitude workout anyway, and it was fairly easy to come up with five things to be grateful for.
I don't say that to imply that I didn't feel ungrateful for the loss. I don't say that to say that all the pain and sadness disappeared. It didn't. I was able to get out of that place of focusing on the emptiness long enough to see the cup was not dry. There were still things in my life to be grateful for. And I certainly don't say that to say look how special and spiritually strong I am, because I wasn't and am not. It was my weakness that got me to that point, because I couldn't do it. I couldn't get out of self pity on my own. I had to cry out to Daddy for help to find comfort in the time of darkness and loss and to see those five things and then some. Like a movie trailer of my day, images flashed in my mind of some wonderful moments. They may not have lasted long. But they were flares of brightness and light shooting through the dark.
Being grateful even in times of hardship and sorrow is still a relatively new thing for me. At a young age, I fell into the trap of religion. Religion says do this and don't do that so that you can be accepted and favored by God, or at least not have God angry and destroy you. Religion is merit based, meaning that sooner or later everyone gets what they deserve. When Christianity as a religion failed me, leaving me feeling unloved by God and worthless I began to look elsewhere to fill the emptiness and numb or distract from the misery of life. I explored hedonism and living for the moment and the comfort and pleasure of the senses as though there was no God at all. It helped until it didn't. I explored other religions, including but not limited to Wicca, Hinduism, Buddhism and Native American spirituality. None of them, nor any others brought contentment, peace, joy, love or a life worth living. I truly despaired of life.
Religion failed me. I All of them. And I failed religion. I couldn't live up to the moral standard of any of them. But finally I began to see the truth that not only is there a God, but He has declared me significant and of value, no matter what I think or feel or what anyone else thinks. Beyond that, He loves me as I am, not as I should be, but He loves me enough not to leave me the mess that I have been the vast majority of my life. He desires to have relationship with me, and His great desire is to heal and restore me and to help me because a unique reflection of perfect love and light. It is possible to have a real relationship with the Creator of the universe, not because I figure out how to connect with Him, and not because I am good or have enough faith or anything like that. It is possible because He made a way to connect with me. He wrapped Himself in flesh and reaped the result of all the harm and wrong I had done while giving me the result of His doing it right in exchange. It's not a fair trade, but it is the great demonstration of His love, that even though I didn't deserve it and can't earn it, He isn't looking for a fair exchange. he just wants me. And you. Because all of that is as true for you as it is for me. Daddy loves you as you are, not as you should be, but He loves you enough not to leave you as you are. He loves you enough to send Jesus to make a way for relationship and healing and restoration. Jesus loves you enough to come and die, even though you could still reject His love. And the Spirit of God loves you enough to make His very home within you and do all the renovations needed to make your life all it can and should be.
Daddy isn't done with me yet. The Spirit is putting in a lot of hours to bring into my life the results of the work that Jesus did on the cross. Sometimes I get it better than other times. Sometimes I still wonder how God could love a loser like me. But regardless of how I feel at times I have learned that it is true, He loves me. I see the progress, and I fully believe the promise that He is going to finish what He started and bring me to a place of wholeness filled with nothing but love, peace and joy. That great love and unearned acceptance are the top two things I am grateful for every day. The five things that I share are additions. I have learned to look for things that show me the love of God and give me wonder to be grateful for, but it isn't possible because I taught myself to be positive. It's because when you are aware that you are loved, it changes the way you see the world, people and your day.
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