I was thinking about that this morning because today is my birthday and the chapter is Job 3. For those unfamiliar this entire chapter is Job whining about how miserable it is to be alive and cursing the day of his birth.Yep, that completely described me for years. No, I wasn't going through hell because I was so faithful and close to perfect that God and Satan decided to see what I could take. I was an imperfect, horrible failure and they still wanted to see what I could take. That's how I felt, anyway. I hated life, wished that I hadn't been born, and attempted suicide more than once. I honestly believed that up until five or six years ago if I could have been given George Bailey's chance the movie would have missed the mark, because the world would have been better off.
Today I don't feel this way. In fact, I haven't felt this way in years.Today I have a life worth living. And it's not due to religion. Religion nearly killed me. It's not because I changed my attitude or began thinking positively. My attitude change didn't change my life. My life becoming worth living changed my attitude, and, as yesterday morning proved, I can still default back to miserable quickly if I try to take my life back into my hands.
“Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again” - Mary Pickford
We've probably all read or heard this quote or some variation attributed to another source. They're all the same. When you fall or get knocked down, get back up! That made me miserable. I hated life. I got up and fell. Got up and fell. It hurt, but I got up...and fell. Or worse, got knocked down. It was like a lifetime of having those friends around who thought it was funny when you were half passed out to pull you to your feet when you fell so you'd slam into the floor again. I remember those days. Too drunk not to fall, not drunk enough to pass out and be done with it or not hear them laugh. Yeah those were my friends, and that was my life. Wham, pain, try again, rinse and repeat ad infinitum.
Finally I wisened up a little. I fell, and I knew if I got up I'd just crash into the floor again. So instead of getting up, I pretended I was an old lady and cried out, "Help, I've fallen, and I can't get up." Then God ran to me and carried me. They saw God is a crutch, but He's not. He's a stretcher. We can't even crawl our way into a life worth living and heaven without Him. I hate religion, but I love and am grateful for my relationship with my Creator.
Because of it, I am happy from time to time, which is extremely more than never. I have peace, even when I don't have happiness, most of the time. I can love, and I feel loved. I am able to love my wife and treat her like the treasure she is. I have a purpose and a wonderful life, despite being broke and in pain.Yesterday I celebrated 5 years and 10 months clean and sober.
Today is my birthday. I got a wonderful card and a check from my parents. I got the Civil War and The Death Of Captain America TPBs from my amazing brother-in-law, and then he put a cherry on top in the way of a gift card to this awesome local comic book shop. Last night I stayed up past midnight and went to bed with a happy birthday wish and kiss from my beautiful and amazing wife who is getting me a GeekMeBox and making me a cherry pie. This morning, one of the first things I saw as I prepared to do my morning reading and writing was a message from my beautiful step daughter wishing me a happy birthday. I made out like a bandit, and the day is only just begun. But that's not why I'm happy.
I woke up after very little sleep and basically no rest, with a sore back and my eye is still killing me. I forgot my patch, so I guess I'll need to go to the store and get one today and keep the light out of it until it recovers again. But though things are painful and not perfect. I am not unhappy. It's all because of my favorite gift this year. I woke up, remembered it was my birthday and did not curse. The gift I have been given from God is a life worth living that I don't have to curse the day of my birth any longer. I don't have to wish I was dead or try to kill myself quickly or slowly. I don't have to drink and drug over. I am free. I am loved. I am clean before my Lord. And I am happy. It's my birthday.
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