My wife could see that I was struggling, probably because I snapped at one of our puppies, really for no reason other than he was an easy and available target and got on my nerves. So ashamed that I hadn't been out of bed a half hour and already felt like an epic failure, I tried harder for self control. Then my loving wife, full of care and compassion and concern, asked what she could do to help me. I appreciate that, but in that instant I simply lashed out, yelling that she could basically do what I wished in my anger that I could do but knew that I couldn't and shouldn't. I wasn't yelling at her, and my anger was in no way directed towards her, but the hurt and anger flowed from me like venom. I felt so ashamed.
The truth is that I have no real desire for her to do what I suggested. Given time to stop and think I would rather sacrifice my feelings and comfort on the alter of loving another as God would. It's not worth the pain it would cause. I also realized where I made my mistake.
This morning I woke trying to breathe through the pain of an old and deep wound. In some ways much healing has been done, and I am healthier in this area than I have ever been. But in other ways, it gets harder and harder every year. I know that I can not exercise self control in the jaws of such an emotional trap. Like a wounded animal, the pain causes me to lash out, even at the very hands that are trying to comfort, help and free me. I should never have tried to control the swell of emotions within me, but at the very start taken my pain and fear to my Father who is able to provide the grace to do what I can not do, love in the face of pain. Only God can help me get my focus off myself and care for others when I am hurting.
I went to Him in prayer and found relief. My anger died. There is still a dull ache, and I feel I could burst into tears all too easily, but at the same time I can smile. There is a joy mixed in with the hurt and the loss that I mourn. No matter how much we learn the truth of the necessity of walking by the power of grace to give control to the Spirit rather than our own old nature, there will be times when that reflex kicks in before we can check it.
It's OK. There is no condemnation. Ask forgiveness for falling into self and self pity. Make any amends your actions may call for quickly and without excuse. Pray for grace and go on in the power of God. His mercies are new every morning, and His grace is always sufficient if we seek it.
Today's Unshackled Echo was previously published on
June 19, 2016.
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